by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
What do you reach for to get through the day?
Coffee and phone rank high in today’s world. We crave notifications, alerts, bleeps suggesting someone’s reaching out. But what happens when what we want rings empty? What we reach for isn’t always what we want.
Slow down. Pay attention to what you are feeling. Does it have a name? Can you identify where it is in your body? Seeking stimulation may be you seeking connection.
We all want the feeling of being loved, wanted, and needed. We need connection: to our body, Nature, our surroundings, and our community. Sometimes you don’t actually want the coffee. You want to experience the barista remembering your name as they hand you your special drink, because feeling heard makes you feel special. Maybe you are seeking out substitutes for the things that make you happy out of habit, convenience, or fear of seeking out what you truly need.
Practice gratitude for what you have. I’m grateful for my community, lifestyle, and resources. Bring your awareness to positive elements by noting and expressing gratitude.
Focus on positives. Take time to note small joys and seek out the beauty in the nature that surrounds you. Instead of mindlessly reaching for stimulation in the morning, really pay attention to what’s going on. Open the window and observe any plants or animals. Notice the lighting and the changing weather. When we try to fill the void, we only see what isn’t there and deny ourselves happiness and reality. Instead of focusing on what you aren’t doing, focus on what you are doing. Bring more joy into your life.
Detangle the taboos surrounding addiction.
Let’s talk about addiction - a subject routinely brushed under the carpet. Addiction is here; it always has been here, and it’s not going away. Historically, drugs and dependency have been prevalent throughout the world. This is not to say people battling addiction are doomed, quite the opposite. There is support. Others are going through the same battles, and they are often silenced by guilt and shame. When we acknowledge addiction as a struggle we all go through, we may find the judgements, shame, and guilt surrounding dependency not only utterly ridiculous, but also counterproductive. Accepting the prevalence gives us space to accept ourselves and our struggles (The research shows that approximately 1 out of 4 people struggle with addiction).
Acceptance of what is lends us the awareness to transform the situation. We need to see what we are working with in order to change. Accepting the feelings we are experiencing is likewise important. Acknowledging when you feel guilt and shame can be a vital step to taking action.
Face your fears. The tendency to hide what we don’t like about ourselves and others exacerbates the problem. Imagine being a child who knows they are ‘supposed’ to clean their room, but the reality of the matter is, the room is a complete and utter wreck. You can admit to your parents that you didn’t put away your toys, but it takes courage to admit when you’re ‘wrong’ or going against their values. You may fear punishment: your toys taken away, being grounded, or being scolded by someone you love. An alternative is to hide everything under the bed, in the closet, under the rug, anywhere no one will see the mess. The mess stays out of sight, out of mind, and yet somehow continues to grow. The more it accumulates, the harder it is to clean it up, ask for help, or accept facts. Guilt and shame accumulate in the same way. The longer they go on, the harder it is to admit what’s bothering you to both others and yourself. A dirty room certainly isn’t the end of the world, but try telling that to your child self. Once you swallow your pride and take steps to address the issue, you can kill the monster under your bed.
We all know someone struggling with addiction whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, lovers, acquaintances, role models, creators, or ourselves. Addictions take many forms: drugs, screen time, internet, work, shopping, food, gambling, relationships, and relationships to people with addiction. Not everyone is able to practice moderation and keep a balance. Some of us will forever and a day need to stop any connection to the ‘substance’. It’s time to explore your relationships with addiction and how we interact with it. Ask yourself: “What do I want?” vs “What do I want to want?”
Seek support. Help can come in the form of support groups, friends, family, therapist, counsellor, mentor, exercise, spiritual practice, meditation, activities, health & fitness, hobbies, pets, healthy relationships, education, hobbies, plants, or anything that suits you.
Create a plan to keep on hand for when you don’t feel well. It’s helpful to have a list of activities in order to feel grounded as well as a list of people you can call when you need to feel safe. When we feel down, sorting out what we truly need tends to be furthest from our mind. This is when people reach out to the friends, drugs, and activities that are completely wrong for them. Having a list of simple things when we are experiencing anxiety, depression, or intense emotions can calm us down faster and bring us back to a better vantage to make decisions. This may look like: Take deep breaths with long exhales, run cold water on the back of your neck, light a candle, burn incense, take a bath, pet a pet, drink a glass of water, exercise, go outside, meditate, call a friend, call a therapist, read a book, stretch, walk outside, or take a nap.
Everyone has needs, wants, and habits, which aren’t necessarily negative or harmful. Some wake up to morning yoga or need that morning bike ride to feel energised throughout the day. It can be a healthy relationship. We can communicate our needs and wants. The better we become at addressing what we want, the more able we will be to meet our needs.
What do you reach for to get through the day?
To whom are you reaching out?
What does making time for yourself look like?
Is there any goal or activity you’d rather reach for instead?
Build Your Strength.
Breakdown your schedule and observe what you do everyday for 2 weeks. Write a simple list as you go through the day of things you consume, actions, and items you interact with without going into detail. Only note the action, item, or person. Your list might look like this: wake up, stretch, phone, text Nigel, computer, check notifications, check email, check social media, tea, journal, breakfast, garden, fight with Nigel, coffee, work, phone x20, lunch, home, drugs, internet, phone, shower, make up with Nigel, dinner, drugs, read, journal, sleep.
The goal of this activity is simply noting. It’s not about changing your activities to look better on paper. It’s not about casting judgement or praise. You are simply observing what you do on a normal basis to gain insight and awareness of your routines.
