Strengthening Confidence

by

Christine Harris*

True confidence is an ongoing process of shedding outdated beliefs about yourself that weigh you down.  This makes space to embrace positive qualities and values that empower your journey.  When you have developed more awareness about who you are and what you stand for and value, you’ll be on the path of increasing your personal resilience and confidence.  The purpose of this article is to help you focus on the elements needed to feel solid in your self-confidence. 

Judgment is something that will get in the way of strengthening confidence if you don’t become aware of how easily we jump to criticize, evaluate and judge ourselves.  It’s an inclination that only we human beings manage to cloud ourselves with and this keeps us muddling along versus flowing along!  Notice that we are the only animal that does this…if a deer trips over a fallen branch in the forest, once they’ve succeeded in moving past the branch, they don’t look back or pester themselves about tripping over the branch. 

Allowing yourself to judge and criticize yourself will only get in the way of strengthening your sense of self-confidence.  Spend this week observing yourself rather than judging yourself.  Here are the steps to break the judgment urge, so that you will move onto strengthening your confidence levels. 

Firstly, spend this week simply observing when and where you judged or criticized yourself.  This helps create more awareness, by reflecting on when you judged or criticized yourself.  You might make a note as you are looking for patterns of time, place, and what else was going on, etc. 

The second week when the urge to judge or criticize comes up, simply say to yourself, “That’s interesting” or “That’s curious”.  Keep practicing this way of being non-judgmental with yourself.  The urge to judge is just that…an urge…simply old wiring, a pattern that you have kept alive.  It is alright to let it go.  Judgment doesn’t increase your levels of self-confidence! 

What really matters to you? Make a list of attributes like creativity, honesty, knowledge, responsibility, relationships, adventure, and more.  Seek balance across any competing values, such as freedom versus stability.  Define what these principles mean in your life.  Do they align with how you think, speak and act day-to-day?  If not, make adjustments. 

When facing obstacles that test your capabilities and determination, resist the urge to give up. Reflect on insights gained and skills built through confronting the challenge.  Study resources or join a supportive community to continue growing your abilities.  Then reassess your approach with more self-compassion, and try again from this wiser perspective. 

Staying grounded in the present moment prevents getting distracted from what truly matters. Carve out time for self-care routines that connect you to your body, mind and spirit. Yoga, meditation, dancing, massage and being immersed in Nature engages the senses and calms anxiety.  Studies confirm that activities like being in Nature lower stress hormones and heart rate while boosting energy, mood and immunity. 

Relaxation practices are equally vital for resilience and are most successful when you train consistently for 21 days.  Once trained the relaxation practice will relax you in less than 30 seconds.  Just 10 minutes a day of deep breathing, peaceful visualization or repeating mantras activates the body’s relaxation response, leading to clearer perspectives and renewed motivation. 

Your self-talk carries weight, so tune in as you would to a close friend. Limit belittling narratives that feed insecurity and erode self-worth.  Instead, speak encouraging truths aloud and envision handling difficult situations well.  Read biographies of those you admire for any relevant wisdom.  What lessons or inspiration can you integrate from their example? 

Owning all aspects of your authentic self builds confidence from the inside out.  Rather than minimizing interests or emotions to please others, pursue what sparks passion in you.  Invest in personal growth, emotional intimacy in relationships, and activities that feel purposeful.  You’ll become more comfortable in your own skin, able to then connect confidently with individuals who appreciate the real you. 

Build Your Strength 

The Confidence Companion Team 

Surround yourself with champions who inspire boldness and believe in your ability to achieve meaningful goals.  Be selective about those influences, limiting time with peers or media that frequently criticize.  Their cynicism and pessimism can inadvertently become your inner soundtrack.  Instead, exchange ideas and mutual support with those who share your values and commitment to personal development. 

Have the Courage to Be Seen 

The visibility that comes with confidently expressing your creativity or pursuing leadership can seem daunting.  Banish worries of being judged and found not good enough. Those insecurities diminish your light.  Rather, have the courage to be seen for all that you are and wish to contribute.  People will critique no matter what you do or say, so stay true to your vision and purpose.  The right collaborators and opportunities will gather around your authenticity and passion. 

Expand Your Growth Mindset 

How we explain life’s setbacks and slights profoundly impacts motivation and grit.  A fixed mindset assumes challenges reflect an innate lack of talent or intelligence.  This disempowering narrative makes us quick to surrender when solutions don’t appear instantly. Conversely, a growth mindset approaches roadblocks as chances to build skills and knowledge.  Failures become lessons rather than indictments of self-worth.  Adopt this empowering narrative, along with the habit of asking “what can I learn here?”.  This mindset lifts confidence to keep thriving.  It also helps normalize that building anything great takes years of incremental progress and course corrections. 

Tend Your Inner Garden 

Our self-talk matters.  Negativity fuels insecurity and self-judgment.  Monitor inner dialogues as you would conversations with a good friend.  Release limiting thoughts and feed strengths and dreams instead.  Envision handling challenges.  Read about those you admire.  What lessons or inspiration can be gathered? 

Express Your Authentic Self 

Vulnerability builds connection and confidence.  Share feelings and values over impressing others.  Explore interests.  Uncover your true self, not who you think you should be.  Boldly say this is me - right here, right now.

*Assisted by Claude AI

Finding Calm in the Storm: Techniques to Self-Regulate Anxious Mood

By Christine Harris

Life today moves fast, demanding more and more from us. It's no wonder anxiety has become a common struggle, with over 40 million American adults battling anxiety disorders. However, even non-clinical anxiety that builds throughout stressful days can accumulate and feel overwhelming.

When you notice anxious feelings arising, there are effective ways to self-soothe instead of being swept away in the currents. Techniques from psychotherapy approaches like Focusing Oriented Psychotherapy, Autogenic Relaxation Training, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help you get grounded and shift out of anxiety. With practice, you can learn to relax amidst anxious moments.

Tune Into Your Body

Focusing Oriented Psychotherapy teaches that tuning into subtle body sensations can help calm rising anxiety. When you feel anxious, take deep breaths and scan your body without judging it. Notice any tension or unease. Pay special attention to your stomach area, chest, shoulders and face, common places tension lodges. As you breathe and focus non-judgmentally on sensations, they may shift or release. This returns your nervous system to homeostasis. 

Imagine a Healing Safe Place

Imagery techniques from Autogenic Relaxation Training also release anxiety. If you feel rising panic, anxiety or muscle tension, imagine lying in a calm, quiet, safe place. Envision somewhere you feel peaceful: a beach, meadow, or even your own bed. Feel the supportive surface enveloping your body. Notice any tension melting away. Allow your senses to be immersed in this safe place - the sounds, smells, temperature. Let this vivid scene bathe your nerves in restful sensations.

Practicing Autogenic Relaxation audio recording once or twice a day for three weeks will train your autonomic nervous system to go into a relaxed state within 30 seconds when you use the technique!  Listen to the recording here.  It’s less than 13 minutes long! 

Observe Thoughts Without Judgment

Dialectical Behavior Therapy highlights how judgmental thinking worsens anxiety. Catch yourself assessing a situation negatively, and anxiety can heighten. Instead, neutralize anxious thoughts through nonjudgmental observation. Notice thoughts arising without labeling them good or bad. Imagine thoughts drifting past like clouds. This separates you from them rather than fueling them. Say “I notice myself having the thought that I am in danger. This is just a thought rather than a fact.” This self-talk through observation defuses anxiety.

Over time, regularly using such techniques rewires your nervous system to have a greater sense of control over anxiety. You realize you can self-soothe and shift your state using your own skills. You don’t have to be swept away in fight-or-flight reactivity. There are always tools available to cultivate your inner calm.

Build Your Strength

- Establish routines: Structure helps manage worry and uncertainty. Follow daily routines for meals, sleep, work and exercise. 

- Limit stimulant intake: Caffeine and excessive digital input heighten nerves.

- Use relaxation skills daily: Don’t just use them when anxious. Do deep breathing, stretch, meditate daily to stay grounded.

- Connect with others: Isolation worsens anxiety. Bond with supportive people through shared activities.

- Identify triggers: Notice situations that commonly spark your anxiety so you can better prepare. 

- Keep perspective: When anxieties arise, ask yourself, “What is the likelihood this worry will actually happen? What’s the worst case scenario and could I cope with that?” This squashes irrational fears.

You have more power than you think over anxiety. By regularly using techniques that work with your nervous system, body and thought patterns, you build self-regulating skills to rely on when you need soothing. You don’t have to allow anxiety to overwhelm you. Think of it as an invitation to care for yourself. Let it remind you to tap into your inner calm every day.

Assisted by Claude.AI

The Expectations Trap

by Kaylei Roberts and Christine Harris

Edited by Lacey Lindsey 

“You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.”

— Outcast

Expectations are what we think should happen and they can get us into some serious trouble. Expectations are rarely the reality. Fantasies of a “perfect” world that is controlled by what you perceive as fair and ideal will predictably leave us drained and dissatisfied.

Nothing should happen. The real world is more complicated than our preconceived notions. Everyone is faced with challenges and injustices and while we cannot control what happens, we can change how we react to them. We can grow and learn better ways to cope and make beneficial changes in our life.

Wanting is a form of waiting for nothing to happen 

Wanting will not give us what we want. Why cling to the misery of expectations? What is keeping you from letting go of expectations that realistically will only deplete your energy? Because we think we need x, y, and z, we may believe that they must materialize for us. That isn’t the case. Needing something does not make it happen. Wanting something does not  bring it closer to happening. Some things are outside of your control. Accept that you do not need to control situations or other people. Your job is to deal with the situation at hand and decide better ways to interact, engage, accept, or move on from situations and people.

Perspective changes everything

It is not helpful to:

• Pretend things are not happening. 

• Beat yourself up or tear yourself down for feeling the way you feel.

• Push through and overextend yourself.

• Wallow in self-pity or self-hatred.

Instead, you can: 

• Accept the current situation. This is what is happening. 

• Ask yourself - What can I do from here? Can I call and let people know I am unable to attend? Can I do anything beneficial on my end from here?

• Be grateful for what you have. Stop focusing on what you want and take advantage of all that you have. There are many things to appreciate in your life, no matter how small. 

• Cry and allow yourself to be in the moment with how you are feeling without judgement. 

• Have empathy, understanding, and compassion for yourself.

Reframing your expectations for yourself

We all want to be the most fabulous, infallible, ideal versions of ourselves. When we see ourselves as we’d like to be, we fail to accept ourselves for who we are in the current moment. It’s important to be considerate and compassionate towards yourself. Feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, and anger arise when we don’t meet the expectations and ideals for ourselves. If we love and accept ourselves as we are now, for all of our flaws, and with all of the baggage, we can heal. We can grow. We can let go of the fear, denial, and self-hate that holds us back from our goals.

The world is more enjoyable when we accept ourselves and others for who they are as unique, complex, and chaotic networks. When we accept things as they are, we have more power to work with ourselves and make the world more fantastic.

Reframing your expectations for others 

The same can be said for relationships, friendships, marriages, and our expectations for ourselves. Because we think we need x, y, and z, we may believe that they must materialise for us. That isn’t the case. Needing something does not make it happen. Wanting something does not  bring it closer to happening. 

Expectations can change all of our interactions. When we assume that people will drive politely, predictably, and follow the rules of the road, we ensure disappointment. Expecting everyone to be a good driver increases the chances for road rage and traffic incidents. It’s better to accept drivers as they are, and modify how we drive around the conditions of the road. Yes, it may seem grand if people did what we think they are supposed to do, but that is not human nature. We need to drop expectations and realize expectations conflict with reality. Honking and screaming at other drivers will not change their behaviour. Road rage will not help us arrive at our destination sooner or make us feel better.

Value others’ rights to make decisions

It can be very hard when people continually make decisions you do not agree with, especially when they prove to be destructive. It’s important to realise that you are only responsible for your own actions. What other people do is up to them. You get to choose how and if you want to continue to interact with them, and to what extent. Accepting them for who they are and respecting their choices, even if you don’t agree with their choices is vital to maintaining healthy relationships.

Setting Boundaries

When we voice our actual expectations upfront, we can avoid creating ongoing distrust and conflict in the future. When we see our expectations are not being met or are unreasonable, we can adjust our expectations to something more realistic or drop them altogether. 

When everyone is honest and upfront with their expectations we have the opportunity to say no to what we do not consent to or negotiate feasible alternatives. However, it is unreasonable to expect everyone will be honest and upfront with their expectations. Most people aren’t aware of their own expectations or what is expected of them. We can adjust expectations based on what happens and modify our behaviour.

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”

— Brandon Sanderson

Build Your Strength 

See if you can identify places in your life where you are let down because you assume something will happen. Does holding on to that belief help you? How do you think things would be if you let go of that belief?

Make a To-Do list:
Ask yourself:

Is it realistic?
Is it possible to accomplish all of these things in one day?
Is it compassionate?
Does it give you space to rest and take care of yourself?

It’s important to show up for yourself, check in with yourself, and set reasonable goals. You can adjust your daily To-Do list by removing items that are purely idealistic or excessive. If a To-Do list isn’t do-able in a day it can create disappointment and detract from your ability to focus on what you can accomplish. A way to practice self compassion is to remember that you are only human with limitations on your time and energy. Adding enjoyable self-care exercises and time for breaks provides balance and compassion. 

Walk Away Your Worries

By Christine Harris and Lacey Lindsey

The beauty of meditation lies in its simplicity. Developing the ability to have more control over our thoughts and experiences improves our quality of life.  It works for so many of us because we can meditate almost anywhere, day or night, on the crowded tram or in the privacy of our own home. Meditation goes back thousands of years and includes a wide variety of forms. Walking is one form of meditation that will help us to process complex emotions and situations. In ancient China, Buddhists would engage in a form of walking meditation called a kinshin. Christian monks and nuns would later pace their cloisters while chanting prayers. People have been walking in search of meaning and peace of mind for thousands of years. We can all spare a few moments of silence, even if the world around us hasn’t paused to take a deep breath with us.  

Walking meditation is especially helpful for those of us who might reach for the phone to vent to friends and family before taking a moment to work through a predicament ourselves. And, as many an artist will attest, a simple walk has the ability to cut through creative blocks by removing us from our routines and by providing an outside perspective. When we are in distress one of the best things we can do to clear our heads or process the situation, is to simply take a hike. 

Left, Right, Left 

Early humans were not particularly fast nor physically threatening to the large game they followed. However, humans gained the ability to adapt to surroundings and cover long distances with great resilience. Thus our nomadic ancestors became skilled in scanning the landscapes before them in anticipation of their prey and to protect themselves against predators. Today, we are more likely to use this skill in the name of street smarts, but in essence we are all subconsciously looking forward, back and forth. This is a form of bilateral stimulation. 

Walking is also a form of bilateral stimulation. This means that when we are walking, our eyes track from left to right as we take in the landscape before us. Bilateral stimulation is one technique used in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a form of psychological treatment most popularly used to treat PTSD. Bilateral stimulation softens the jagged emotions surrounding a painful memory or situation, allowing us to approach it more logically. Bilateral stimulation increases feelings of relaxation and decreases feelings of anxiety. 

Get Out there

Ideally, walk somewhere that makes you feel inspired and safe. This can be a local park, a nature trail, an urban tree lined street, or your own backyard. It doesn’t have to be a big production. We will focus on perfection some other time. For now, all we are worried about is living in the moment. Lace up your shoes and envision walking away from your worries and into a lush horizon before you.   

Take a Deep Breath 

It helps to be mindful of our breathing as we walk. We will do this through a technique called box breathing. To box breathe, inhale for four seconds and then hold that breath for four more seconds. After that, exhale for four seconds and then hold your breath for four seconds. Repeat. You will count the moments between your breaths with your steps. You may also choose to focus on the individual steps that you are taking by repeating ‘heel toe, heel, toe…’ to yourself.

What is it all for? 

It never hurts to set an intention. As you settle into a rhythm with your breath, choose to repeat an affirmation to yourself. An affirmation should always be phrased positively. For instance, the statement “I will not be overwhelmed” can be rephrased as the more empowering “I meet challenges with ease.” This shift in language may feel insignificant, but it makes all the difference.  As you walk and repeat affirmations or a chant of choice, it will become easier for you to internalize the message. Here are some examples of affirmations of self compassion: 

I rise above my fears. 

I choose to be kind to myself. 

I am patient. 

Ask yourself: What do you want to believe about yourself? Pick or create an affirmation that resonates with you and stick with it for the duration of your walk. 

Reflecting on your walk 

When you arrive back at your destination, take a moment to reflect on feelings that came up as you walked. As you pause and reflect, ask yourself: Are you hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? These are more than feelings. They are your needs and they are deserving of your attention right now. Learning to address your needs in the moment is  key to successfully navigating life’s journey. Exhale once more and feel the gratitude wash over you. You are beginning to train your brain one step at a time. 

Letting Go of Gender Stereotypes Surrounding Masculinity

By Kaylei Roberts and Christine Harris

Few factors have a greater influence on how people treat you throughout your life than what sex is assigned to you at birth. The body you are born into greatly influences how people treat you throughout your life.

Despite it being archaic and ignorant, people still use skin color and sex assigned at birth to define people and their roles in the world. Babies are proclaimed to be ‘girls’ or ‘boys,’ then expected to follow narrowly curated cultural stereotypes in order to ‘fit into’ that mold. Since we are unable to change everyone’s prejudices, we are able to question and reject our own personal biases; discover and accept our genuine selves; celebrate each others’ differences and identities; and treat people with respect and kindness.

Sex assigned at birth sometimes determine what clothes, toys, body language, speech, hobbies, activities, sports, and social circles will be accessible to children. What could be more ridiculous than assigning someone a color: pink or blue, with an accompanying list of gender expectations at birth?

Gender expectations are unrealistic and harmful to everyone. Men are expected to be unemotional super hero characters, but that’s not helpful and is mentally damaging. The world doesn’t need super heroes, it needs a fair level playing field. Stereotypes that enforce hero, victim, and perpetrator tropes cause harm in a variety of ways regardless of how one identifies or how others perceive your identity. Each of these identities is damaging to self-esteem. There’s pressure and responsibility to be a hero, and this role depends on someone being in actual danger. In a sense, heroes need perpetrators and victims to stay in business. The expectation to be either a hero or perpetrator of violence and being treated as any of these tropes damages the way someone views themself and believes others to view them.

Assigning people to the roles of victim, perpetrator, and hero based on a prejudice like assigned sex or gender identity creates harm. In Buddhism and some spiritual paths having expectations are considered a hindrance to accepting the world as it is. Cognitive distortions and stereotypes can lead to harm. Schulman’s Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair notes that in domestic disputes police are more likely to arrest people of color (POC); the more masculine presenting person; or LGBTQ+ people regardless of who perpetrated violence on whom. Men, members of the LGBTQA+ community, and POC are often wary of reporting crimes or calling for help when they are in danger because they fear violence or ridicule from law enforcement. 

When a system only works for some people, it not only does not work, but creates vast inadequacies in care. Everyone deserves help and to be heard. The Mental Health Responders used in Mobile Crisis units can be a safer alternative to law enforcement and de-escalation of personal conflicts. There’s much for everyone to learn on how we interpret, react, and resolve conflict. We need to unlearn biases that negatively affect how we view and treat each other.

There is a great strength in emotions, self-expression, self-awareness, and the ability to recognize and relate to emotions in others. Masculine stereotypes hold men back from a full life experience and the emotional intelligence needed for true connection. Regardless of sex or gender identity, everyone deserves help and to feel heard. It’s tragic when people are not taken seriously or ridiculed based on gender stereotypes. If you believe no one will listen to you, will perceive you as a violent perpetrator, or will ridicule you for expressing your feelings or talking about what is going on, you are unlikely to seek support. We all need human connection, to be heard, and to receive help.

The stereotypes aren’t real, and they aren’t working. Participating in parades of ‘traditional’ masculine and feminine values are creating serious divides. What could be more valuable than how people treat each other? We can all work towards treating people as individuals rather than making assumptions based on gender, sexuality, race or other shallow markers.
So how do we break down barriers? And how do we define ourselves on our own terms?

Acknowledge there is significant pressure to perform gender roles.
Accept that there are safe spaces, friends, and communities that encourage genuine expression regardless if people’s truth falls outside of the gender binary. Question stereotypes. Seek safe places to heal. Seek a support system. Have integrity. Be accountable for your words and actions. Take pride in being an ally and in solidarity. Seek out places where it’s safe to express yourself. Reclaim who you are, and what that means.

There is freedom in moving away from a narrow-minded world view in favor of inclusion, diversity, and self-expression. 

Build Your Strength.

Take a moment to consider how you define yourself. Check in with yourself. How do gender expectations affect you? Do you feel safe expressing a full range of emotions, or are some emotions uncomfortable? Can you think of any ways to be more inclusive and welcome diversity in your personal life and community? 

Feel free to share your story with us.

The Success of the Trailing Spouse

By Lacey Lindsey and Christine Harris

Congratulations! Your partner has just scored a new job in a new country. It’s time to pack your bags and start your new life. There’s just one issue. You already had a full life with friends, family, and perhaps a stellar career back home. What are you supposed to do now? 

In the world of expat relationships one spouse sometimes moves abroad for a job opportunity with their supportive trailing spouse in tow. The trailing spouse faces all the same challenges as their spouse. There are language barriers and new bureaucracies to navigate. There are new rules and laws to follow, and a new culture to learn about. 

However, unlike your spouse, as a trailing spouse, you probably don’t have the immediate emotional security or sense of purpose that a new job can bring. You may have left behind a career of your own to support your partner. That isn’t to say that you can’t be successful here in your own right, but it is more challenging to build up a career in a new country. The licenses and certifications you worked so hard to earn back home may not be honored here. You could be starting from scratch. 

Predictably, this sets the stage for conflict in the relationship. Trailing spouses often feel resentful of their partner for the challenges of a move they may not immediately benefit from. Trailing spouses can also be jealous of their partner’s success while also relying on that partner for most of or all of their socialization. Let’s go a step further. In the worst case scenario you are dependent on your spouse and cut off from the outside world, leaving you with feelings of isolation and loneliness, resentment, and doubt. You deserve better than that. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is a challenging time, but it isn’t insurmountable and it’s all about perspective. 

Let it all out. Your feelings of frustration, confusion, and loneliness are valid. Moving to a country is stressful, but moving to a new country with little vision for your own life can be even worse. Keeping your feelings bottled up can lead to resentment if you’re not careful. 

Find your independence. Your dreams are also valid. It’s your life and there are silver linings to the situation that you may not be aware of yet. With your new life in a new country comes new opportunities.  Your new spot may not be an island paradise or some other glamorous tourist destination, but that doesn’t mean there’s not ample room for adventure. 

Make a bucket list for your new life. What hobbies and experiences can you pick up that you would not have been able to in your old country? What perks come with your new life? Is there somewhere you’d like to hike? What would you like to learn? The easiest way to build confidence is to try something new. What is your new address known for? What cuisines have you been dying to try? 

Make friends with people who are like you. There are bound to be others in your same boat. If there are expats, there are bound to be a few trailing spouses, for better or worse. There’s also a good chance that there are others of your nationality living nearby.  Go find them.

But, don’t be afraid to make friends who are different. You’re in a new country and the best way to get out there is to, well, get out there. 

Communicate with your partner well and communicate often. Now that we’ve talked about what you can do on your own, let’s bring your spouse back into the picture. It’s okay to let your partner know that you are struggling to find your footing. Many trailing spouses struggle with resentment of their partner, or the overall situation, and keeping your feelings locked away will only create further issues down the line. Planning your next trip back home is also part of communicating with your partner. This will help you have a sense of agency in your relationship, and give you something to look forward to with your partner.

Give yourself space and grace. Some trailing spouses struggle with resentment and it’s not difficult to see why. You may have left behind friends, family, and community. You may have also left behind an illustrious career that doesn’t totally translate in a new country. That’s a big deal! You’re allowed to act accordingly. However, it’s important to make space to grieve your old life outside of your relationship with your spouse. Part of this process means letting go of the blame game. 

It may feel unfair, and as we mentioned before, your feelings of frustration are legitimate. Feel them deeply, but remember that you are responsible for this new chapter of your life. You came here. Let’s make the best of it. There are many silver linings and many adventures awaiting you. 

Communicating Well With Your Partner

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“Peace begins when expectation ends.”

— Sri Chinmoy

When communicating our goals we are meant to express ourselves, be heard, and to listen to each others’ truths. 

Communication isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about collaboration. A relationship is not a competition. Winning an argument is combative and unhelpful. The goal is to be in it together. Everyone wins via open, honest communication and compromise. Seek to understand each other’s wants, needs, and boundaries. I win by helping you help me. You win by helping me help you.

Assume nothing. Trouble arises when we make assumptions and assume everyone is on the same page. Expectations and assumptions can quickly get out of control. If you’re going to dinner, that doesn’t mean it’s a date. Because you’re dating, doesn’t make you partners. Being in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you’re monogamous. Being partners doesn’t mean you will cohabitate, raise each other’s children, have children, share finances, share affection, be romantic, be sexual, or be emotionally supportive. Perhaps you will be all of these things for each other from time to time. Maybe you and your partner will fill different roles in the relationship. Do not expect your partner to meet all of your needs, or feel pressured to be responsible for all of your partner’s needs. Perhaps some needs can best be met via a friend, therapist, support group, family member, other partner, spiritual guide or mentor.

What do relationships mean to you? There is no one way to be in a relationship, yet people often get caught up in their own definitions or expectations. Almost everyone defines monogamy differently. Almost everyone defines non-monogamy differently. If there are rules or expectations, state them. Ask to receive what you want.
What do you want? Communicate your needs. Voice your needs. Ask your partner, and listen to their needs.

As Terry Real, the couples therapist, writes, Turn complaints into requests. Instead of telling someone what you don't like about them or how they do things, objectively explain what you do want.
This would help me if you…
(do the dishes when I cook dinner/ wash your dishes instead of letting them pile up in the sink/ take your shoes off at the door instead of tracking in the house/ plan a date for us/ are on time for our dates/ spend quality time with me without phones or devices/ speak to me in a respectful tone, refrain from raising your voice at me/ give me personal space when I wake up before I make tea/ ask me how I am after work)
This is really important to me. Can we please work on it?

Voice how you feel. Voice how actions affect you. 

“I feel ______ when…”  

(un/loved, heard, dismissed, un/wanted, safe, insecure, happy, sad, dis/content, triggered, joyous, furious, angry, at peace, violated, content, ashamed, guilty, afraid, scared, grounded)
I feel violated when you look through my phone. I need you to respect my privacy and not touch my phone.

I feel respected when you call me by these names and pronouns. Please refrain from using dismissive names such as “baby, boy, girl, tiny, doll, sweetheart, etc”… because they make me feel... belittled/ disrespected/ dysphoric/ sad/ childish.

I feel loved when you (give me a massage/ read next to me/ treat me to dinner and a movie/ take me on adventures/ show me your artwork/ surprise me)

Show appreciation. We must practice gratitude. If you are not grateful for your partner or vice versa, it’s time to move on. 

I love it when you… 

I appreciate you talking to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult for you to have these conversations.

Celebrate efforts made to resolve issues. Communicating isn’t only about voicing what you want to change, it’s about celebrating small wins. Relationships take work. Reward each other for efforts in listening and making changes. Acknowledge if you notice your partner is trying. Thank them.
Ask yourself: Do you want this relationship to work out? If the answer is no, that’s okay. There is no shame in letting go of what is not working for you. It’s unfair to everyone to take up important space in each other’s lives when you don’t want to be there. Honour your relationship by communicating your wants, needs, desires, and boundaries. Ask for what you want. Listen to their requests. Seek therapy or outside assistance if you feel stuck. If you or your partner are unwilling to take these steps, it’s important to ask yourself why you are staying in the relationship. 

Recognise when it’s time to move on with your life when all efforts have been exhausted. If you do not respect your partner, honour each other by leaving the relationship. If boundaries are continuously violated by either partner, it’s time to move on. If there is an unwillingness to communicate and work on issues, do not expect improvement. If forgiveness is not possible, accept that the relationship is over. If the relationship is unhealthy, honour yourself by leaving the relationship. If the relationship is abusive, leave the relationship and seek community resources and therapy. Take care of your relationship with yourself. Honour your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Build Your Strength.

Take a moment to check in with yourself. How do you feel about your relationship? Are your needs being met? What would you like to happen in the relationship?

Talk to your partner and ask for what you want. Make requests in a way that show:

• What you want

• What they can do to help

• How you are feeling

• How you would appreciate their help

• Why you value this action

If they make efforts to meet your request, let them know how much it means to you.

Check in with your partner. Listen. Ask if their needs are being met.

Building Confidence

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Artists often love all of their ideas and creations, but are challenged with selecting specific projects on which to focus their time. No one can do everything. One of the most important elements of the artistic process is letting go of ideas and passionately moving forward, focusing attention on priority projects. Otherwise the studio becomes cluttered with old works, half-started, unfinished projects, and the artist becomes too stifled to move, much less do the work.

Confidence is a building process.

Confidence is a learning process.

Confidence is a growing process. 

To achieve any of these, one must let go of old thoughts, habits, patterns, and behaviours that no longer serve their greatest good. This opens up a healthy space for self-discovery.

Ask yourself what qualities do you value? What do you want? Some seek: freedom, creativity, friendship, honesty, fairness, balance, work ethic, acceptance, inclusion, knowledge, power, happiness, spirituality, success, responsibility, adventure, family, diversity, collaboration, accountability, autonomy, authority, relationships, or other aspects of life.

Seek balance. If your core values are stability, security, adventure, and freedom, you may run into conflicts of competing values. It’s important to discover what these values mean to you. Where are the boundaries between your beliefs? 

Forests build up with dead trees and leaves. Competing vegetation chokes out new growth. A natural cycle of forest fires clears the area while leaving established trees. The fire transforms unhealthy, dead, and diseased trees into nutrients. This natural removal of obstacles within the forest creates a healthy space for life to return. The fire spreads seeds, returns nutrients to the soil, and opens up space for new growth, and a healthy forest rebuilds. The space created by the destruction lets more sunlight into the trees, allowing wildlife to return and flourish.

Build confidence by embracing core values. Think of core values as your established, healthy trees. You build them up. They build you up. You grow with core values. Core values are meaningful parts of yourself, deserving of your protection.

Grow from challenges. In order to advance, one must practice. Progress is not linear. Climbers will tell you it’s one step forward, two steps back, yet still, they continue to climb and reach the peak. When faced with challenges, frustrations arise. Get curious. Why are you being presented with this challenge? What can you learn? Brainstorm alternate ways to approach issues. When stuck, consult experts for advice. Take pride in the process of learning.

Soak in what you learn, allowing wisdom to nourish you. Ask yourself, what worked? What did not work for you? Learn from mistakes. Allow yourself time to heal and soak in lessons about who you are and how you can better interact with the world around you. Treat others with compassion instead of as if they were obstacles. Accept that everyone is going through their own struggles. In order to be present with them, you must listen to your body, feelings, and values, and show up for yourself. Show up with compassion.

You cannot be everywhere, but you can be here now. Sit. Find your practice. Maybe it’s yoga, tai chi, meditation or a mindfulness practice that helps you stay grounded. Your practice might be MMA, karate, or dance. What makes you feel connected? What exercises keep you engaged? What activities help you listen and pay attention?

Create yourself. In order to get what you want to see in your world, you must curate your itinerary. Find out who you want to be. Do not concern yourself with who you think others want you to be.

Own it. Be true to what you want and true to who you are right now. Rather than trying to mask insecurities, say how you feel. There is power in vulnerability. There is power in knowing who you are: strengths, weaknesses, core values, temperament, faults, and all. To avoid working against yourself, you must work within the knowledge of who you are. Accept yourself.

Express yourself. Stop hiding who you are. Embrace who you are, how you feel, what you like, what you want in life. It’s your life, nobody else’s. Instead of trying to impress others, try to impress yourself. What do you value?

Explore and dream. Read books with courageous characters. Get inspiration from people who exhibit your values. Look at stories or make up your own. The library is full of inspiring real and imagined characters. See what you might learn from role models and mentors. 

Build Your Strength.

Focus on something outside of yourself. Take time to listen to crashing waves or a stream. Watch a campfire or candle flame.

Observe the way you speak to yourself. Is this how you would address a dear friend? Allow yourself the space to let go of limiting beliefs that hold you back from experiencing your true self. Feel the weight in your body from carrying negative self-talk. And begin using your breathing practices which will allow that weight to disappear. 

Imagine letting go of negative self-talk. Feed your insecurities into the fire and watch them burn, ash, and flitter away from you. Release limiting beliefs into a stream, and watch them float away. Feel the lightness in your body, and thank yourself for releasing what held you back from growth.

Envision what you do want. Say what you value about yourself. Speak to the elements you want to bring into your life.

Sowing Seeds of Purpose with Compassion

By Lacey Lindsey and Christine Harris

Many are familiar with the old Girl Guide or Scout slogan, Do a good turn daily, which encourages young scouts to do one task for others each day, without expecting anything in return. This slogan encourages compassion for others, but it also taps into a shift in mindset that occurs when we help others. 

It is quite simple. Doing good makes us feel good. We feel satisfied with ourselves for doing something for others. Even if the rest of the day has gone downhill, we will feel confident in knowing that at the very least we were responsible for something as simple as someone else’s smile. Fostering compassion on a daily basis allows us to connect with others. For instance, picking up litter on your morning walk transforms a simple moment of solitude into an opportunity to connect with your community and your sense of purpose. 

If you begin picking up litter from a path you walk daily, you may find yourself considering the bigger picture. Who benefits from your actions?  Your neighbors will appreciate having a cleaner, more picturesque path to walk on, but your tidying can be a matter of life or death for the local wildlife. Next, you might ask yourself, What else can be done to help those around me? Get connected. There will be others in your community who will want to join in on your efforts. New conversations and friendships might arise from a shared interest, which is of particular interest to expats who have just moved to a new area.  

Acts of compassion sow a seed of purpose. Perhaps the practice of collecting litter allows you to meditate on the idea of stewardship so much that you become inspired to join a grassroots conservation organization. Here you gain confidence as you find other ways to do good and meet other people along the way. These new relationships connect us with our larger communities, giving us greater insight into how we fit into the world around us and how we react to it. They also clue us into new opportunities. Engaging with this purpose provides us with more confidence. It’s easier to move through the world if we know which direction to go in. 

There are many things we can do to practice compassion. We can pick up litter, share food with someone, or even hold a door open for someone. We can play with kittens or give to someone in need. We can plant a tree or run a race in benefit of a good cause.

Here are a few more ideas to get inspired: 

• Help a family member or roommate bring in groceries. 

• Donate unneeded office supplies to a school or to someone else who would appreciate it.

• Write a letter to a friend. 

• Donate blood.

• Give a genuine compliment. 

There are so many opportunities to give back. It can be a calculated effort or unfold spontaneously as the day progresses. You don’t have to create a consistent daily practice, but the repetition of a daily habit turns do-gooding into a meditative practice. The result is increased confidence and compassion. Ideas for new good turns suddenly begin to percolate within. New connections will continue to be made. Get creative. 

But compassion isn’t just for other people. When we practice self-compassion we begin to view ourselves as deserving of that care, even if we do not initially believe so at the outset. In essence, we fake it until we make it. We treat ourselves with kindness until we believe that we wholeheartedly deserve that kindness. This allows us to take on stressful situations with ease, which adds upon our resilience. 

Here are some ways that you can practice self- compassion: 

• Connect with your younger inner child and send them compassion and loving kindness.

• Take a few pauses throughout your day and take a few deep breaths. 

• Consciously connect with a loved one every day.

Engaging with compassion regularly will also lead to greater confidence from within. As we help others we realize that we, too, are deserving of hope, and that we possess the capability to provide that service towards ourselves. Ask yourself What do I need right now? How will I get it? What else might I do? How will I feel safe? Considering these questions regularly opens up the internal conversation on self-compassion. We are our own best caretakers. Only we will know the right answers for ourselves.

Doing good is grounding. It brings perspective, connection, and a sense of purpose. There is a glow that follows doing something good simply because it is good. You have shown yourself love in knowing that you have brought a moment of kindness into someone else’s life. You deserve all the love.

Acceptance

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“People do it everyday, they talk to themselves... they see themselves as they’d like to be, they don’t have the courage you have, to just run with it.”

— Fight Club

It’s normal to identify yourself as who you ideally would be in ideal situations if there were no obstacles holding you back. When we imagine ourselves as our “best selves,” we tend to overlook frivolous details like accounting for reality. In short, it’s normal to see what we want to see in situations, other people, and ourselves. We tend to disregard limitations or perceived imperfections. The truth of the matter is, the things we do not account for, still factor into the equation.

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It’s not an endorsement of what you find problematic. We can accept something without thinking it is “okay”. 

Acceptance is about being aware. It is about acknowledging reality. When we accept reality for what it is, we can work with instead of against it.

Acceptance acknowledges what is: what is happening? what is really going on? What is the reality of this situation? 

How you feel about what’s going on in reality doesn’t change the fact that reality is how it is. Ignoring something won’t make it go away. 

Paying attention to what’s really happening around us, and accepting the situation for what it is, is the first step to making it better.

When we try to change something that we pretend is not happening or isn’t an issue, we leave ourselves feeling guilt, shame, helplessness, suffering, and frustration. Feeling bad doesn’t resolve the issue. These punishing feelings do nothing but stand in our way of addressing the source of our frustrations. We need to be real with ourselves.

Accept what is going on within and around us.

And What Else is happening? Observe everything that’s happening instead of only fixating on a single event.

Understand - Why is this happening.

Identify the Problem - What’s Wrong?

Identify the Solution - What do you want to happen?

If the solution involves: 

Someone else changing their behaviour,

Someone else being different than how they are,

Situations being different than what they are, 

People not cutting in the queue.

The weather doing what you want it to do for once.

It is outside of your control.

It isn’t personal that the weather is indifferent to your demands or that people do, act, and are how they are. 

What You Can Do is:

Accept people for who they are, even if you think they could be better. You can’t make them change by sheer force of will, nagging, doing the work for them, telling them how infuriated you are with them, or through magic. They can change for themselves if they so choose, but you can not create that change for them.

Acknowledge they may never change. The situation may remain the same. Do you want to continue doing what you are doing in the same way if the situation will remain the same?

Observe where you fit into the situation. Does pushing or “wanting” things to change get your way? If it’s a waste of your energy, perhaps it’s best to stop, redirect, and spend your time doing something you do enjoy for yourself.

Change Your Reaction to something more aware, helpful, compassionate, or accepting. Consistent problems are easy to work around when you accept them, because you know what to expect and how to work around them.

Let go of Control for things that are outside of your control. Allowing others the space to make their own decisions is liberating. 

Choose How You Engage with the Situation. You can decide if you want to stay and work around the way it is, or if you want to leave the situation altogether. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or if you want to leave the situation altogether

We get into trouble when we see everything from a place of wanting, whether it’s:

Wanting to change someone

Wanting the situation to be different

Wanting to feel differently

Wanting to numb painful feelings

Wanting other people to change

Wanting other people to feel how you feel

It all has the same result that it keeps you waiting for something that will never happen.

We can choose to look at any situation from a place of:

Love

Gratitude

Compassion

Acceptance

“[G]rant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

— Reinhold Neibuhr

Question the Problem - Is that really what’s wrong? We often find that what we think is wrong with the world comes from a place of wanting more control to make things run in a way that is convenient or helpful to us.

Dig Deeper, and ask yourself, is that really the problem?

How Do You Feel? Be honest and gentle with yourself

Question Why You Feel that Way, and why you feel triggered by that event.

Build Your Strength 

Next time you’re feeling pain or an uncomfortable feeling try to sit with it. Question how you are feeling. Look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself:

Can you Change this?

Taking up Space

By Christine Harris and Kayleigh Roberts

In an age in which everyone seems to be fighting for air space, ad space, likes, and attention, we still want what we’ve always wanted. We want to be heard, seen, and understood for who we are. We want to find our space in the universe.

Via photographs throughout history, we can observe dramatic shifts of the physical landscape of the world since industrialism. Whether observed through local histories or pictures from space, the Earth is notably more occupied by industry and developments. Once ‘natural landscapes’ are now overgrown with urban sprawl. What was once simple, is now complex. We find the open spaces filled with advertisements and office spaces. Infrastructure guides our experiences, and we must adapt to changing landscapes.

Sound bites and alerts guide us throughout our day. Everything grabs one’s attention by design. Our brains and bodies are not yet evolved to fully process the overload of information that comes with our technological advancements. Fighting over territory is nothing new, yet there are unique components for competing in the Digital Age as compared to the rest of human history. Space as observed via our physical and digital landscapes define how we see ourselves and the world around us. The way we choose to use space is powerful.

Step back, step up, and move around. Sometimes it can feel like the space of our universe is merely the size of a computer screen or a cellphone. If that’s the case, it’s vital to remind ourselves that that’s merely us limiting  ourselves. It’s important to take time to step back, stretch out, and make space for ourselves. This battleground over space can be especially overwhelming for expats who may rely on the internet for work and social media in particular to stay connected with friends and family. If you work in an office, do chair exercises, take stretch breaks, and walk around to reclaim the mobility and space you deserve. Avoid leaning forward and crumpling up on yourself as this both strains your body and weakens your resolve. Sitting with your back straight, shoulders back and head up keeps your body aligned and positively impacts a healthy posture, your confidence, your openness to experiencing the world, and the way others perceive you.

Talk with, not at, not over each other. We want to connect, communicate, be heard, be seen, and feel valid in our existence. We all want to get our point across and communicate with each other. However, out of fear of not being heard, we tend to talk over each other without allowing space for what others are saying. Sometimes the opposite is true, and we timidly shy away from speaking our truth. Let’s strike a balance. Make an effort to both speak up for yourself as well as listen to hear what others are trying to show you. We are responsible for advocating for ourselves and for choosing who we engage with. Be intentional, and know your words are powerful.

Open up. Throughout the pandemic we’ve been dodging physical interactions to dodge the virus. We’ve been keeping to ourselves, minding our space, standing in more confined positions in the queue as compared to our former sweeping gestures. We need to take time to be more expressive with our bodies, dance, make theatrical gestures, talk with our hands, and move our bodies freely. We each express ourselves in different ways so it’s important to find what this looks like to you, and what makes you feel powerful and confident.

Strike a power pose. Spreading out and taking up space generates feelings of confidence. These can be power gestures to show the world you’re ready to take it on and to take in what it has to offer. Think of Superwoman or Superman. They are typically seen arms outstretched or with hands on their hips and legs at a wide stance. Spending time in these stances can be a great way to prepare for a meeting or build your confidence.
Open your body. Open your mind. Physically closing off your body mentally closes you off from experiencing the world and taking in new ideas. A classic example of body language is that crossing your arms may indicate disinterest in what the other person is saying.

Own your power. Women have been taught to close off their bodies, cross their legs, and make both their bodies and voices small. Closing off your body generates disempowered feelings, while alternately, taking up space creates a more confident energy. Regardless of gender, it’s important to step into your power, own your voice, own your body, and find a sense of belonging in the space around you.

Build Your Strength.

Practice stretching out and taking up space. Sit in the middle of your sofa and get comfortable. Stretch out your arms. Sit with your legs hip width or more apart. Take a deep breath in order to allow your chest and stomach to expand fully, and take a long full exhale. Sink into this space. Repeat a mantra that resonates with you and what you want to work on: “I embrace and find comfort in my space and in my body.” “I belong where I want to be.” “I belong here.” “My existence proves my belonging.” “I belong, and I accept my power.”

What’s Breathing Got to Do with “It”?

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

The “It” is our Health and Well Being!  The purpose of this article is to further explain and teach our kind readers about the importance of using the body and the breath of the body to feel stronger, and to become more healthy.  We’ve all heard over and over again how important and what a constant our breath is to our well-being.  Most exercise and meditations styles have their own particular teaching regarding the breath.

The Polyvagal Theory is based on 30 years of research by Stephen Porges, Ph.D., who is a neuroscientist and whose research findings have helped to educate and inform those who have suffered from trauma.  Let’s face it, all of us have suffered from one sort of trauma or another.  In the case of those living with Fibro and those with similar diagnoses, the shock of being hit with such loss of strength and control is in itself a trauma. And we know that the repeated trauma we experience in Life will weaken the body and predispose it to ill health.

The vagus nerve and the various areas of the body it interacts with.

Dr. Porges and his colleagues have discovered that the Vagus Nerve which is the 10th cranial nerve and one of the longest nerves in the body needs to be ‘toned’, ie by keeping it well toned aka ‘in shape’ we are able to affect the good health of all major organs.  Please see the diagram which shows that the Vagus Nerves starts at the base of the brain and goes to the Heart, the Lungs and the Face.  It then splits and goes to the Stomach, the Spleen, the Kidneys, the Liver, the Small Intestine and the Colon.  Not only does practicing the breath that goes with the Polyvagal Theory help the general health of these organs, it also helps create more resonance and coherence in the Heart which in turn helps us to feel a greater sense of Calm and Well Being.

Why is this important?  This business of focusing on breathing to help our organs via a nerve that starts in the Brain?  Because this is actually a feedback loop – starting in the brain going to these organs and then back to the brain.  Maybe this is where that expression, “the stomach is the second Brain” comes from?  Or “go with your gut”, and “what’s your gut feeling”?  By keeping up the health of the Vagus Nerve we are more acutely in touch with our gut/stomach and therefore, more finely tuned into our real sense of what is happening in the moment.

It’s common sense then to begin to practice the breathing that helps to tone the Vagus Nerve.  And the breathing count for that is so simple!  Inhale to the count of 4, and exhale to the count of 6, or longer.  The principle is to exhale for longer than you have inhaled.  It’s that simple!

Build Your Strength 

4-5 times per day practice 3 Rounds of Vagal Breathing.  After 4 days check in with yourself to see if you are more relaxed and alert!

Relationships

By Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Relationships are in a flux as we alter our way of living due to the pandemic. Meeting up is more problematic, risky, and inconvenient than pre-pandemic. Chances are your social network is changing with the times. Perhaps you’ve found yourself drifting away from those to whom you were close pre-pandemic, growing closer to acquaintances, engaging in different ways with your network, meeting new people, or seeking new connections.

Spending more time with fewer people tests compatibility. We are learning what it means to share space with each other and to set aside time for each other.

Communicate

We have so much we want to know about others and things we feel we need to tell them, although we don't always know where to start. Putting yourself out there feels vulnerable, yet the only way to connect is to take the risk.

Identify What’s Important to You

As a society we’ve been communicating how we identify more, and in many ways it can make it easier to navigate dating, friendships, and core values. A growing understanding of intersectionality, demand for diverse representation, and access to information enables us to discover ourselves and learn about people across backgrounds and viewpoints. How do you identify? This can relate to gender identity, sexuality, and various facets of life. What type of relationship are you looking for? Do you want your next relationship to be platonic, monogamous, polyamorous, romantic, aromantic, or asexual? Most importantly, what do these identities mean to you? Being on the same page of accepting each others’ desires and differences is important.

Appreciate Actions

It’s all about communication, and it’s also all about actions. Do people follow through with their words? What does everyone do to show love and appreciation? What makes each person feel appreciated? They said this, but can they show you? Are you saying what you mean, or what people want to hear? Don’t take actions for granted.

Know Yourself

Know what you need and want. Know what qualities you will not tolerate. Know what your boundaries are around drugs and alcohol, and be willing to discuss it without making judgements or assumptions of what others’ stance may be. Acknowledge how you are feeling and identify what’s going on in the moment as you experience different emotions.

Be Responsible for Yourself

Take responsibility for your feelings and actions. Checking in with yourself regularly and learning what motivates your emotions allows you to be more in control of your actions. “I feel” statements are extremely helpful in any relationship.

“I like the way you…”

“I feel loved when…”

“I feel upset when…”

“I feel angry when…”

“I feel safe when...”

“I feel frustrated when...”

“I feel appreciated when…”

Avoid attributing others as the masters of your feelings with blame statements like “You made me angry.” This gives others too much credit and control over your emotions. No one has the ability to make you feel something. Stating how you feel and stating what actions led you to feel that way informs others of how you may emote or react in the future.

Likewise, be careful not to take responsibility for others’ feelings. You are only responsible for your words, actions, and emotions.

A major aspect of personal responsibility is not overstepping your boundaries. You can hold others accountable for their responsibilities, but taking on others’ responsibilities creates problems for everyone. Be mindful of if you are helping or enabling.

Voice Expectations

If you know what you want, tell people who are important to you so everyone is on the same page. Expecting people to intuit your mind is a recipe for disaster. Everyone involved can be absolutely lovely but hold conflicting core values. Conflicting beliefs and lifestyles aren’t a matter of who’s right or wrong; our differences are valid. Accept people for who they are right now and move on if necessary. If people are unable or unwilling to meet or compromise expectations, voicing the reality of the situation upfront can resolve future heartaches and headaches.

Break Off Deal Breakers

Having firm boundaries on core values or actions you are not willing to tolerate weeds out people who are not right for you. Look at the way your loved ones treat others; if it’s not how you want them to treat you, consider that a red flag. Letting go of situations that aren’t right for you opens up space for you to let the right ones into your life.

Set and Maintain Boundaries

Regardless of the relationship, it’s important to set boundaries. Boundaries bring us closer together by showing mutual respect, compassion, and care. Taking time to voice and respect each other’s privacy, space, abilities, differences, and mental health can lead each other to feel valued rather than violated. Family, friends, and lovers need to communicate healthy boundaries in order to strengthen their bond.

Have Fun.

Spend time on activities you mutually enjoy. Find what brings you together. Be willing to experiment and open to new experiences.

Build Your Strength.

What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to be friends, partners, lovers, or something else entirely? In your journal, write down what you want in a relationship. It can be with a family member, lover, friend, coworker, gym buddy, neighbor, or someone you haven’t met yet. Create a list of how you want to be treated as well as what you find unacceptable, and hold yourself accountable for the friends you keep.

Addiction

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

What do you reach for to get through the day?

Coffee and phone rank high in today’s world. We crave notifications, alerts, bleeps suggesting someone’s reaching out. But what happens when what we want rings empty? What we reach for isn’t always what we want.

Slow down. Pay attention to what you are feeling. Does it have a name? Can you identify where it is in your body? Seeking stimulation may be you seeking connection. 

We all want the feeling of being loved, wanted, and needed. We need connection: to our body, Nature, our surroundings, and our community. Sometimes you don’t actually want the coffee. You want to experience the barista remembering your name as they hand you your special drink, because feeling heard makes you feel special. Maybe you are seeking out substitutes for the things that make you happy out of habit, convenience, or fear of seeking out what you truly need.

Practice gratitude for what you have. I’m grateful for my community, lifestyle, and resources. Bring your awareness to positive elements by noting and expressing gratitude.

Focus on positives. Take time to note small joys and seek out the beauty in the nature that surrounds you. Instead of mindlessly reaching for stimulation in the morning, really pay attention to what’s going on. Open the window and observe any plants or animals. Notice the lighting and the changing weather. When we try to fill the void, we only see what isn’t there and deny ourselves happiness and reality. Instead of focusing on what you aren’t doing, focus on what you are doing. Bring more joy into your life.

Detangle the taboos surrounding addiction.
Let’s talk about addiction - a subject routinely brushed under the carpet. Addiction is here; it always has been here, and it’s not going away. Historically, drugs and dependency have been prevalent throughout the world. This is not to say people battling addiction are doomed, quite the opposite. There is support. Others are going through the same battles, and they are often silenced by guilt and shame. When we acknowledge addiction as a struggle we all go through, we may find the judgements, shame, and guilt surrounding dependency not only utterly ridiculous, but also counterproductive. Accepting the prevalence gives us space to accept ourselves and our struggles (The research shows that approximately 1 out of 4 people struggle with addiction).

Acceptance of what is lends us the awareness to transform the situation. We need to see what we are working with in order to change. Accepting the feelings we are experiencing is likewise important. Acknowledging when you feel guilt and shame can be a vital step to taking action.

Face your fears. The tendency to hide what we don’t like about ourselves and others exacerbates the problem. Imagine being a child who knows they are ‘supposed’ to clean their room, but the reality of the matter is, the room is a complete and utter wreck. You can admit to your parents that you didn’t put away your toys, but it takes courage to admit when you’re ‘wrong’ or going against their values. You may fear punishment: your toys taken away, being grounded, or being scolded by someone you love. An alternative is to hide everything under the bed, in the closet, under the rug, anywhere no one will see the mess. The mess stays out of sight, out of mind, and yet somehow continues to grow. The more it accumulates, the harder it is to clean it up, ask for help, or accept facts. Guilt and shame accumulate in the same way. The longer they go on, the harder it is to admit what’s bothering you to both others and yourself. A dirty room certainly isn’t the end of the world, but try telling that to your child self. Once you swallow your pride and take steps to address the issue, you can kill the monster under your bed.

We all know someone struggling with addiction whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, lovers, acquaintances, role models, creators, or ourselves. Addictions take many forms: drugs, screen time, internet, work, shopping, food, gambling, relationships, and relationships to people with addiction. Not everyone is able to practice moderation and keep a balance. Some of us will forever and a day need to stop any connection to the ‘substance’.  It’s time to explore your relationships with addiction and how we interact with it. Ask yourself: “What do I want?” vs “What do I want to want?”

Seek support. Help can come in the form of support groups, friends, family, therapist, counsellor, mentor, exercise, spiritual practice, meditation, activities, health & fitness, hobbies, pets, healthy relationships, education, hobbies, plants, or anything that suits you.

Create a plan to keep on hand for when you don’t feel well. It’s helpful to have a list of activities in order to feel grounded as well as a list of people you can call when you need to feel safe. When we feel down, sorting out what we truly need tends to be furthest from our mind. This is when people reach out to the friends, drugs, and activities that are completely wrong for them. Having a list of simple things when we are experiencing anxiety, depression, or intense emotions can calm us down faster and bring us back to a better vantage to make decisions. This may look like: Take deep breaths with long exhales, run cold water on the back of your neck, light a candle, burn incense, take a bath, pet a pet, drink a glass of water, exercise, go outside, meditate, call a friend, call a therapist, read a book, stretch, walk outside, or take a nap.

Everyone has needs, wants, and habits, which aren’t necessarily negative or harmful. Some wake up to morning yoga or need that morning bike ride to feel energised throughout the day. It can be a healthy relationship. We can communicate our needs and wants. The better we become at addressing what we want, the more able we will be to meet our needs.

What do you reach for to get through the day? 

To whom are you reaching out? 

What does making time for yourself look like?

Is there any goal or activity you’d rather reach for instead?

Build Your Strength.

Breakdown your schedule and observe what you do everyday for 2 weeks. Write a simple list as you go through the day of things you consume, actions, and items you interact with without going into detail. Only note the action, item, or person. Your list might look like this: wake up, stretch, phone, text Nigel, computer, check notifications, check email, check social media, tea, journal, breakfast, garden, fight with Nigel, coffee, work, phone x20, lunch, home, drugs, internet, phone, shower, make up with Nigel, dinner, drugs, read, journal, sleep.

The goal of this activity is simply noting. It’s not about changing your activities to look better on paper. It’s not about casting judgement or praise. You are simply observing what you do on a normal basis to gain insight and awareness of your routines.

Reject Perfection

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Imagine attending a party where everything is perfect. The entire house is spotless. Decorations adorn the walls. Everything matches the theme from the decor to the fancy dress down to the napkins. 

To prepare for the party the host sends out very specific instructions on what to wear, to add to the ambiance of the event. The host considers asking for help putting everything together, yet decides to do everything themselves. They think delegating tasks may run the risk of something not being just so, and that just would not do. Besides, they want very specific foods prepared in very specific ways. The host considers telling everyone what, how, when, and where to do everything, but thinks better of it. They refuse to leave anything to chance, and reason that it’s easier to do everything themselves than to fix mistakes in the event that something is not good enough.

The host really outdid themselves, and you can tell. They look completely exhausted. You’d say disheveled, except nothing is out of order per se. It is as if every hair had been glued in place.

Everything about the party is perfect, everything except one detail: it is not fun. It is a disaster. The host focuses on doing everything by themselves, and trying to make sure everyone else stays happy. The forced happiness leaves all the guests cringing in discomfort. 

It’s as if no matter how controlled and perfect everything is, it’s never good enough to the host. The host appears terribly upset that guests do not appear appreciative enough of all their hard work to make them happy.

The pressure to excel, to succeed, and in turn to be accepted feeds on anxiety. With anxiety about an inherently unpredictable future comes misguided perfectionistic behaviours focused on feeling in control. These behaviours can take many forms: obsessions, compulsions, or habits. Rather than providing long-term relief, these behaviours play into a damaging cycle of fear, procrastination, and self-sabotage. Maladaptive control tactics ironically end up controlling us rather than freeing us. Seeking help is a vital step to recovery for anyone experiencing eating disorders, self-harm, or dangerous behaviours; therapy provides tools to regain a healthy control over your life. Anxiety, fear, control, and perfection are all connected. 

Take a long exhale. Let it go. Let go of any fears that are holding you back in life. Let go of self-doubt that prevents you from starting a project. Let go and push aside any fears of not being or doing enough; you are already enough. Let go of the fear of things not working out; in order to make anything happen, we must attempt it.

Notice that issues surrounding control and perfection are centered around extreme, false beliefs: “If everything is perfect, then I can relax;” “If I look a certain way, then I will be happy.” “If I do this, then I will feel loved and accepted.” In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. This type of “all or nothing” thinking is a trap. We don’t need to wait for the planets to align before allowing ourselves to relax; we need to relax regardless. Everything is available to us to enjoy in the present moment, but we need to stop and appreciate what we do have right now. We instead need to practice gratitude, in order to enjoy our improvement process.

Be gentle with yourself. Practice is the best way to improve on any skill. Practice involves doing, not procrastinating or obsessing over every step of the process being perfect. The best way to learn is through mistakes. Perhaps the best practice to accompany any goal is the practice of self-love.
Embrace mistakes. There is a difference between putting stones in your path vs using them as stepping stones to get across. We can choose to look at past mistakes as a wall and trap ourselves within that boundary. Or we can be realistic, and build off of what we learned. Use your mistakes. What did you learn from this experience? How do you want to move forward? What techniques do you need to develop, in order to get the outcome that you want?  Change. Optimise. Do things differently. Trial and error is not a death sentence, it’s a learning experience.

Shift your focus from the negatives to the positives. Setting aside expectations opens up space to enjoy what’s going on around us. If you find yourself obsessing over something that you don’t like, take a step back and note 5 things that you do like. There is no need to focus on the negatives. If you don’t like how you look, make a point of looking in the mirror and finding 5 things you do like about yourself. 

Balance

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We are coming into the spring equinox, the day the earth experiences equal day and night. Globally we are coming out of a pandemic, lockdowns, as well as the emotions attached to those chaotic times. The equinox is a time we celebrate the return of light after winter, plants sprouting back to life, and the return of spring. Day and night create a harmonic balance. With the return of warmer weather, what better time to seek balance within ourselves?

Let in fresh starts.

Where do you want to focus your energy? Creating helpful habits is the best way to produce a lasting change. You don’t need to do everything all at once; in fact, overdoing it invites burnout. The best way to change is by small acts every day. 

Spring clean in moderation.

Let’s say you want a clean house. Doing a deep clean overhaul of your house in a day might make it better for a few days while you are too sore to enjoy it. In the coming days it will likely return the way it was in the first place due to everyone’s tiny messy habits. Instead of focusing on over the top perfection goals, we need to place our awareness on accumulating smaller tasks over time. A Buddhist mindset is to have one bowl and wash the bowl after you use it. It’s a simple task, while washing a sink full of dishes is a big to do. Everything in life works this way. You can’t spend 10 hours in the gym one day and become super fit; you will only injure yourself. Doing 15 minutes of something once a day is more helpful than spending hours toiling once in a blue moon.

Warm up and cool down.

Just like the equinox balances day and night, light and dark, sun and moon, we too must seek balance. Staying in bed all day is not helpful, but neither is working all day. We need to slow down and reward ourselves by relaxing when we need it. Time to recover is equally important as time spent on tasks. It’s important to take breaks. Instead of being always on or always off, strive to seek a middle ground. When we treat ourselves with due care, we will be better able to move forward in the future in a positive state of body, mind, and spirit.

Hold on to what you love.

What do you want to keep? What are you grateful for? What is important to you? Will you prioritize what makes you happy? Consider activities you enjoy that make you feel confident or positive. Look at what gets you energized and alternately relaxed. Take time to be grateful for friends, family, pets, and anyone special in your life.

Air out grievances.

There’s a tradition of opening all the windows on nice spring days to freshen your house and let out the old, stale air. What if we did this exercise with our minds and bodies? Imagine clearing out grudges, regrets, and grievances. Imagine the freedom of forgiving yourself for anything you may want to be different in your life, and instead, accept yourself for who you are. 

Let Go.

Let go of whatever you are holding onto that is not serving you, your health, your spirit, your mind, and your well-being. The items holding you back can be physical clutter around the house. Anything you haven’t used in the past year is questionable to keep around. Anything that doesn’t have a space or is unusable due to space, may need to be rearranged or donated for a new home. Channel Marie Kondo and ask yourself, “Does it spark joy?”  What’s holding you back can also be old habits, toxic relationships, or patterns that no longer need to be repeated. Now is a wonderful time to let go of anything you do not need, want, or enjoy.

Clear a cluttered mind.

Give yourself permission to let go of recurring negative thoughts that are stuck. Sometimes recurring thoughts seem like they may be helpful or motivating a positive change, yet often looping thoughts act as distracting mental clutter. Negative thoughts have the power to clog up space in the same way as unused exercise equipment clogging up the hallway. Notice when good intentions are not helping and instead leave you feeling bad about yourself; treat yourself with kindness and move on. Question if continuing to chew on that same line of thought is creating the growth you want. You can move recurring thoughts of what you’d like to change onto a ‘to do’ list; this moves them out of your head and into a plan for action.

Movement frees stuck feelings.

Light, regular exercise is a great way to shift stuck moods. When releasing endorphins, negative feelings melt away. Physical movement creates positive mood shifts and allows you to unblock emotions and stiff points in your body at the same time.

Are you ready to let go of any feelings of resentment, agitation, or disappointment? It’s normal to want to hold onto painful feelings in attempts to punish ourselves into being better; in reality dwelling on misery only creates more of it. Treating ourselves and others with love, understanding, and care is far more effective than punishment or feeling bad about ourselves. Letting go of grudges or insecurities opens up space to focus on compassion for yourself and others.

Build Your Strength.

Many of us are carrying grief from unexpected losses that occurred over the past year, and it is weighing us down. It’s alright to feel this way and to mourn expectations that didn’t come to fruition as long as we keep ourselves in check. Continuing to dwell on losses becomes physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. Like the changing seasons, we can spring back to life, and move forward.

Write a list of 5 things you would like to let go of for the spring of 2021 as well as a list of 5 things you want to bring into your life. Keep a copy at the start of your agenda, on a post it, or somewhere where you can see it every day. You can scratch items off when you feel satisfied and no longer need them.

7 Strategies for Wellbeing: A Guide for Addressing the COVID-19 Outbreak One Year Later

By Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We all respond differently to crises. After nearly a year, we are all continuing to adapt to challenges and changes caused by Covid-19. Most of us are still experimenting with ways to cope with feelings on loneliness, security, connection to community, obligations, isolation, and privacy that have been presented to us throughout the pandemic. These uncomfortable feelings are completely normal. Coping with changes and workarounds due to the pandemic presents us with new challenges. Know you’re not alone. We’re all connected and in this together.

1. Understand & Accept Challenging Emotions.

Understand there are countless normal emotional responses to a crisis. Try to be compassionate and accepting of yourself and others.

• Fear: Are my loved ones safe and following CDC & WHO precautions? Will we get through this alright? 

• Anger: Why aren’t they taking this seriously? How can that person possibly justify handling this that way? People just don’t understand what others are going through!

• Confusion and Frustration: What am I supposed to do now? Where are we going to live? How can I get out and have fun and still be safe? 

• Guilt and Self-Blame: I need to take extra safety precautions, and I feel guilty that this is affecting my responsibilities. I’m not as in control of my emotions and reactions as I’d like to be right now. I should have had a better plan.

• Shame and Humiliation: I compare myself to peers online who are thriving, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I am struggling. I feel humiliated because I’m not sure how I will maintain financially under these circumstances. I’m embarrassed to say that I’m weary of going back to my normal life. Covid has been going on for almost a year, and I still have no idea what to do.

• Sorrow and Grief: I miss going out, meeting people, and having gatherings. I miss my routine, my neighborhood, and my community. It’s not the same here, and I miss my usual comforts and conveniences.

Keeping our focus on the present is essential because we can neither change the past nor (accurately) predict the future. It’s easy to be swept up in worry, panic, negativity, and predict the worst.  In reality we have no way of predicting what challenges and opportunities await. It’s essential to focus on how to make the best of the situation right now and treat ourselves and those around us with love, respect, patience, and understanding.

2. Maintain Boundaries.
It is important for our health to maintain boundaries. People may expect you to be present and quick to jump into action since they themselves are experiencing difficult changes. In order to have the energy to accommodate others, we must first take care of ourselves.

• Be clear and direct. Saying no and letting others know if you are unable to attend or assist shows both self and mutual respect. 

• Auto Responses are great because they allow you to conserve your energy and connect others to resources, while setting boundaries. Who doesn’t love passive work?  “I am typically available between the hours of X and Y, London time. Please allow at least 48 hours for me to get back to you. For an emergency outside of those hours, please contact CONTACT NAME and INFORMATION. Thank you for your understanding as I find ways to balance my obligations during this unique time.”

• Schedule blocks of time for self-care like going for a stroll, catching up with friends, light exercise, reading a book for pleasure, taking a relaxing bath, or meditation, so you can check in with yourself with no interruption as well as block off time for your other responsibilities.

• Ask for help or work on errands together. Feel free to let those relying on you know ways they can help you help them as well. Communication helps us find mutually beneficial ways to participate.

3. Establish a Routine.

Routines provide structure and a sense of safety, which is important for our physical, emotional, and mental health. These kinds of crises can make us feel unmotivated or powerless, but a routine helps us keep focused and feel like we are in control. Invite the household to contribute to the creation of a daily schedule with fun time, family time, and self-care!

• Hand-washing Mantras like: “I show love and respect to myself and others through small, intentional acts.” “I release and cleanse myself of what I do not need or can not control. I am free from the burden of unnecessary fears and anxieties.” Since we are frequently washing our hands for at least 20 seconds, we may as well reaffirm a commitment to ourselves, our spirit, and our well-being.

• We can create mindful activities around simple tasks to bring our habits into awareness as we try to avoid touching our faces.

4. Light Exercise.

• Maintaining light exercise is important to keep our body fit and moving.

• Have and boost your mood. We all need more play and movement in our lives. Exercising raises our spirits and makes us feel better.

• Youtube is one of many great resources. It’s easy to find Tai Chi, yoga, stretching, and all types of exercises curated to fit your needs. You can even make a playlist of your favorites to keep track of your progress and connect others with fun dance moves.

• Buddy systems can be particularly motivating whether you have a dance party with your household or exercising together from different locations. Try to keep each other accountable to meeting exercise goals. Seek mutual support to cheer each other onto positive routines.

• Consistency is key, don’t overdo it. This will look different depending on you and your body. It may be 15 minutes twice a day or it may be maintaining your normal walking routine even though you are staying home.

• Reach for resistance in your workout, but stop before you feel new pain. 

5. Be Intentional about your News and Social Media Use.

• Set an intention for what you want to accomplish from your experience and how much time you will dedicate. Set a timer and reflect on your intention and experience. I am going to spend 15 minutes on Tumblr looking at adorable animal gifs. My intention is to cheer myself up and unwind.

• Pay attention to your feelings as you scroll through social media, your phone, news, or TV. How are you feeling? If you find yourself regularly getting angry, upset, or losing energy, it’s time to set a time limit or boundary to distance yourself from what is not serving you. Step back and focus on immediate issues that will better your life in the present like donating a stack of books and clothes you are not using that are cluttering up your space.

• Avoid comparing yourself to others. We have no way of knowing the full story of what someone else is truly experiencing and the well-manicured lens of social media can lend a distorted view, both positive and negative.

• Taking a few hours offline to unplug for morning routines and night routines can be a helpful way to reduce stress. Waking up and stretching will make for a better start of the day than waking up to check the news.

• There are apps to keep you on track with managing social media to track or block time for you to stay focused on your goals.

6. Practice Self-Awareness.

• Use Daily Journal Prompts to build your self-awareness like: 

  • How am I feeling today?

  • What do I appreciate/ am I grateful for today?

  • What did I learn today that will help me be a better person/friend/colleague/flatmate?

  • An emotion I experienced today was..., when ... , and I felt this way because…

  • One thing that inspired me today was…

  • What didn’t work out the way I wanted/expected? What can I learn from that experience?

  • One thing I learned about myself today is…

• Join a Peer Support Community for coping with Covid 19, or other challenges you may be facing.

• Weekly check-in sessions: Identify someone you trust who has a constructive point of view and a healthy emotional intelligence. This may be a friend, family member, therapist, or community leader. Make a plan to meet (virtually) once a week to discuss what this crisis is teaching you about yourself, your dynamics with other people, and your community.

7. Connect.

People around the world are presented with new challenges of loneliness and isolation while social distancing and quarantining. We need to be proactive and take extra precaution to take care by both following health guidelines and staying connected for our emotional well-being. 

• Adapt your space to fit your needs. Clear out any items you don’t need; they are holding you back. Donating items that are no longer improving your life may improve someone else’s life, and decluttering will allow you to create a more functional intentional living space.

• Seek online community groups. WeChat, Facebook, Discord, WhatsApp, and other sites have groups specifically for coping with the pandemic.

• Limit time with draining individuals. We have a limited amount of energy and we need to spend it wisely to avoid burnout. If you regularly find yourself feeling mentally or emotionally exhausted from interacting with someone, it’s time to form healthy boundaries.

• Be mindful of venting. Whether you are on the venting or receiving end, there are healthy ways to express yourself. Keep in mind how you are feeling. We need to distance ourselves from this activity when it is not serving us. Are we venting to bond, decrease in our stress levels, learn/express perspectives, seek solutions, or just to vent? If venting is not helping, use your emotions to take action and instead contact your representatives, seek help, or strategies to better your life. Take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself:

  • Do I need to complain right now, or is there a better action or activity for this moment?

  • What do I hope to get out of this conversation? Solutions? Understanding? Sympathy? Bonding? (Share your intention with your friend, family, or therapist before you vent).

• Reconnecting with those we care about helps to lift our moods and decrease our stress. Schedule a regular video call with your friends, those in similar situations, or even meet new groups with shared interests. You can play cards, board games, role playing games, and practically any hobby you can imagine online. Dungeons and Dragons is a creative and immersive game that lends itself to all interests from fiction, scifi, fantasy, film, or anything you can imagine. You can join or create a campaign on Roll20 and other websites. 

• Create fun rituals together from fun activities or add community to humdrum daily rituals like cooking, eating, exercising, or choring together. Your routines can be with flatmates or friends online or over the phone.

Journaling

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

The purpose of this article is to show you how to journal effectively. Journaling is a time-old process used by everyone - from cave drawings, Egyptian hieroglyphics to Henry VII’s diaries. The process of keeping a diary or writing alone is therapeutic.  A pen gliding across the paper is a cathartic way to record thoughts; re-live how you feel; and re-visit what you were thinking.

Journaling helps to:

• slow down

• reflect

• take in 

• unwind

• savour moments

• gain perspective

• learn about yourself

• practice writing skills

• make lists

• organize your thoughts

It offers insight into what you enjoy; what works for you; and how you spend your time and energy.

What type of journal interests you? narrative, ideas, jokes, lyrics, dreams, health, gratitude

Where to journal? - Cozy spot, outside, in bed, garden, waiting for appointments, stoop― it could be anywhere, preferably with a cup of tea

When to journal?  - Before starting your day/ breakfast, before bed

Why to journal? - Cathartic, to unwind, to remember, provide a measurable objective idea of what now is like, purpose, to meditate, stream of consciousness― Journaling can be fun or informative.

What is your intention? Perhaps you need time to yourself, want to get out of your head, want a private space to mull things over, want to remember your life, want to start a gratitude practice, want to remember your dreams...  Think about what you want to get out of this experience.

Steps:

1 – Get a journal- it can be a spiral notebook or anything laying around with blank paper, no need to be fancy.

2– Schedule a time and place where you can write.

3– Be True to Yourself. Try to be honest, gentle, and practice self love. This is for you; you don’t need to impress anyone.

It’s important to be gentle with yourself and practice self care, but you don’t need to hold back when you journal. You can be raw, real, genuine, authentic, and honest. For a challenge you can try to observe your thoughts without judgement.

Take time to sit with yourself and express what you’re feeling. This is for your feelings, not for a museum or to impress your mum. You deserve this time completely for yourself.

Letting Go of Blame: Blame the Pandemic

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Imagine building a wall. This wall is not meant to solve a problem, nor to bring people together. Imagine creating a wall out of your pain, resentment, anger, and frustration. The wall casts a shadow of blame. The shadow can be directed outward or inward. The shade blocks you from seeing what is going on, trapping the viewer in a state of distraction. This wall of blame may feel righteous or compelling, yet it hinders the ability to see clearly or resolve the situation.

Blame deflects from the topic at hand. It shifts feelings of shame and guilt onto ourselves and others while building resentment, anger, and frustration within ourselves.

Let Go of Blame.

Focus on yourself, what you can do, what will make your life better, and ways you can prepare to meet the challenge. What will benefit your environment, health, mood, and wellbeing? Focus on the best ways to move forward. Accept your feelings by sitting with them and allowing yourself to be vulnerable so that you can get to the core issue of the challenge.

Blame Culture has been prevalent throughout our lives. Children deflect blame to avoid consequence. Conspiracy theories offer up grand schemes to blame for events outside of our immediate control. World leaders deflect blame to defend themselves from public scrutiny. Blame destroys opportunities for self-reflection. We blame ourselves for situations outside of our responsibility in order to feel as if we are in control. What all of these ‘blames’ have in common is they fail to resolve or improve our problems; they merely distract us from forming solutions. Blame distances us from taking charge of what we are able to control.

Blame the Pandemic - Accept What is Outside of Your Control.

Accept that the world is different; not bad, not broken, but it has changed. The world is the same as it ever was, in that we must adapt with the changing times.We’ve been socialized to identify ourselves by our job title. Even though this is a cultural norm, this is a simplistic, shallow means of defining someone. The consequence of the pandemic has created far reaching changes in all our lives. Losing jobs, housing, school, institutions, routines, daily interactions, physical connections, and our ‘normal’ way of life are momentous challenges presented to us. It’s important to be gentle with yourself, and not to put yourself down for situations outside of your control. 

Encourage Positive Changes.

Many of us feel betrayed by the pandemic. Our institutions have failed us. Trusted systems we relied on are no longer accommodating our needs. Existing problems and deficiencies in healthcare, mental healthcare, education, affordable housing, and access to resources are exacerbated to levels that can no longer be overlooked. In light of failures in these systems, we are also seeing public outcry for improvement, calls for reallocating funding towards social workers, communities creating autonomous networks to help, and neighbors helping neighbors. Now is a great time to practice gratitude towards community, neighbors, and each other. It’s okay to let go of what is no longer serving you.

How Do You Identify?

The media we consume may encourage us to feel negatively towards anyone who doesn’t fit their mold. Now is the best time to reject these outrageous and destructive notions. Question your own judgements, and figure out if they are still true for you. What do you find acceptable? What do you reject about yourself or others? Can you find any ways that what you reject is helpful or positive either in the past or in the present? 

You Have the Power to Be Exactly Who You Are.

We define who we are. You are not your occupation. You are not the brand of clothes you wear. This is the first time in our living history that our work and educational institutions stopped in a short period of time with a widespread, worldwide effect. It’s okay to feel embarrassed, lost, or have no idea what to do. Many of us feel completely uprooted from our institutionalized routines, social routines, and daily rituals. Luckily, it’s the perfect opportunity to find out what you want out of life, what you want out of a job, what brings you joy, and to create your own purpose in life. It’s the time to experiment, to learn, to try something new that you didn't imagine in your ‘old world.’ Get curious. What do you want out of a job, out of a relationship, out of your habitat, out of yourself? Now is the time to set boundaries, and redefine yourself. 

Bring Your Attention Back to Yourself.

The pandemic happened. Now what? You are allowed to grieve anything you miss or feel you lost through the pandemic. It’s important to sit with your feelings; allow them to wash over you. Allow yourself to learn from your emotions. See what is important to you. What do you want to bring with you, and what do you want to let go? Only you can decide how you want to move forward.

Build Your Strength

Pull out your journal and make lists of your priorities. It can be several different lists: self-care, passions, responsibilities, lists of important people and animals in your life, daily routines, what makes you feel alive, what makes you feel relaxed, what makes you feel connected. Choose what resonates with you and helps you feel connected. Make a list of what works for you and perhaps post it in your room or on your phone. You can create a playlist of music or activity videos to motivate you to connect with these activities. Make more fun for yourself!

Anxious about being Anxious

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Perhaps you've heard others do this to themselves. They make a casual mistake like dropping change at the checkout and say to themselves "stupid stupid stupid." Then, perhaps predictably in their fluster, they forget their receipt and go on to various other minor mishaps as they chastise themselves or place blame over piddly issues. 

These insults do nothing to prevent one from dropping change, just as calling something stupid does nothing to make it smarter. Dropping change, in fact, has little to do with someone's intelligence. Dropping change is merely a common side-effect of not paying attention. They are flustered, but it's not even about dropping change. It's about... everything else, it's about running late, having a bad day, or not feeling well. Perhaps they are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Or maybe, it's about not feeling good enough. Perhaps they feel inadequate in some way, or have basic needs that haven't been met. Perhaps they didn't feel safe, loved, or appreciated enough as a child. 

That's the real tricky part, stopping and finding out what's really going on when you find yourself irrationally upset or angry over spilt milk. Imagine if instead, they dropped the change, thought nothing out of the ordinary of it, simply picked it up and it didn’t register as a reason to be bothered. 

Steps to Break the Cycle

1. Know you can. Positive change is possible.

2. Pay Attention. Where are you now, and where is your mind going?

3. Stay Present. Be in the moment. Experience right now.

4. Find and Replace. Find you negative belief and change it. Reframe this belief into something positive.

Listen to Self-Talk

How are you speaking to yourself? Is it how you would talk to a good friend? Often times our worst critic is our inner critic. Even more, we are often unaware of the background noise constantly milling around in the back of our minds. When you stop and listen, you have the power to address and change the noise into helping affirmations.

Challenge Habits and Habitual Thoughts

We create narratives about ourselves. Then, we fall into the trap of believing our stories. Our stories appear more true than reality; they're what we fall back on. Instead of being in the present moment where typically not so much is actually happening, we tend to run through scripts in our heads.

Repetition Repetition Repetition

When it’s challenging to find relief and a state of calm in a worried mindset, there’s a lot we can do to calm the anxiety cycle. It's important that what we are saying to ourselves over and over is helpful and builds us up to feel and be better. Hurling insults at yourself is not productive and doesn't encourage happiness, growth, or self-worth. 

Placebo and Nocebo Effect

Often various medical treatments for anxiety work on the “placebo effect,” which is not to say they are ineffective. Oh contraire, if a person recovers; the treatment reached its intended effect. The thoughts “I will get relief,” “I will feel better,” and “This is helping” calm your mind and body and allow these things to be true. Believing something works can massively affect outcomes. 

On the other hand, negative beliefs we hold have the power to make us feel worse or perpetuate a problem, cue in the “nocebo effect.” For example, people often say “I’m a terrible cook, so I just eat take-out,” when they aren’t necessarily bad cooks. Often times it’s people who’ve never even tried cooking because the thought that they are bad at it is intimidating. To challenge this they could take a cooking class or try a simple recipe and say “I’m learning to be a great cook.” That will reinforce culinary success and allow for the possibility of greatness.

We have a strange way of making our story true. This can be great in the sense that say you make art and want to be a great artist, you can tell yourself "I am a talented artist." It may sound silly, but it's very encouraging. It reinforces practicing, working on art, connecting, and sharing your art.

Build Your Strength 

Say all of these mantras out-loud:

I can do this. 

I am enough, and I will always be enough. 

I am supported and loved, and I love myself deeply. 

I am at ease with the world.

 If you find any of them difficult to say or hard to believe, focus on that mantra. Let it become natural and easy. If you feel anxious or notice you are using negative self-talk, remember to focus on your mantra.

When you find yourself anticipating the next possible moment of anxiety, remember the above recipe for changing your thoughts.  Remember to H.A.L.T.! (Ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired?) and apply the steps!