by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
“Peace begins when expectation ends.”
When communicating our goals we are meant to express ourselves, be heard, and to listen to each others’ truths.
Communication isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about collaboration. A relationship is not a competition. Winning an argument is combative and unhelpful. The goal is to be in it together. Everyone wins via open, honest communication and compromise. Seek to understand each other’s wants, needs, and boundaries. I win by helping you help me. You win by helping me help you.
Assume nothing. Trouble arises when we make assumptions and assume everyone is on the same page. Expectations and assumptions can quickly get out of control. If you’re going to dinner, that doesn’t mean it’s a date. Because you’re dating, doesn’t make you partners. Being in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you’re monogamous. Being partners doesn’t mean you will cohabitate, raise each other’s children, have children, share finances, share affection, be romantic, be sexual, or be emotionally supportive. Perhaps you will be all of these things for each other from time to time. Maybe you and your partner will fill different roles in the relationship. Do not expect your partner to meet all of your needs, or feel pressured to be responsible for all of your partner’s needs. Perhaps some needs can best be met via a friend, therapist, support group, family member, other partner, spiritual guide or mentor.
What do relationships mean to you? There is no one way to be in a relationship, yet people often get caught up in their own definitions or expectations. Almost everyone defines monogamy differently. Almost everyone defines non-monogamy differently. If there are rules or expectations, state them. Ask to receive what you want.
What do you want? Communicate your needs. Voice your needs. Ask your partner, and listen to their needs.
As Terry Real, the couples therapist, writes, Turn complaints into requests. Instead of telling someone what you don't like about them or how they do things, objectively explain what you do want.
This would help me if you…
(do the dishes when I cook dinner/ wash your dishes instead of letting them pile up in the sink/ take your shoes off at the door instead of tracking in the house/ plan a date for us/ are on time for our dates/ spend quality time with me without phones or devices/ speak to me in a respectful tone, refrain from raising your voice at me/ give me personal space when I wake up before I make tea/ ask me how I am after work)
This is really important to me. Can we please work on it?
Voice how you feel. Voice how actions affect you.
“I feel ______ when…”
(un/loved, heard, dismissed, un/wanted, safe, insecure, happy, sad, dis/content, triggered, joyous, furious, angry, at peace, violated, content, ashamed, guilty, afraid, scared, grounded)
I feel violated when you look through my phone. I need you to respect my privacy and not touch my phone.
I feel respected when you call me by these names and pronouns. Please refrain from using dismissive names such as “baby, boy, girl, tiny, doll, sweetheart, etc”… because they make me feel... belittled/ disrespected/ dysphoric/ sad/ childish.
I feel loved when you (give me a massage/ read next to me/ treat me to dinner and a movie/ take me on adventures/ show me your artwork/ surprise me)
Show appreciation. We must practice gratitude. If you are not grateful for your partner or vice versa, it’s time to move on.
I love it when you…
I appreciate you talking to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult for you to have these conversations.
Celebrate efforts made to resolve issues. Communicating isn’t only about voicing what you want to change, it’s about celebrating small wins. Relationships take work. Reward each other for efforts in listening and making changes. Acknowledge if you notice your partner is trying. Thank them.
Ask yourself: Do you want this relationship to work out? If the answer is no, that’s okay. There is no shame in letting go of what is not working for you. It’s unfair to everyone to take up important space in each other’s lives when you don’t want to be there. Honour your relationship by communicating your wants, needs, desires, and boundaries. Ask for what you want. Listen to their requests. Seek therapy or outside assistance if you feel stuck. If you or your partner are unwilling to take these steps, it’s important to ask yourself why you are staying in the relationship.
Recognise when it’s time to move on with your life when all efforts have been exhausted. If you do not respect your partner, honour each other by leaving the relationship. If boundaries are continuously violated by either partner, it’s time to move on. If there is an unwillingness to communicate and work on issues, do not expect improvement. If forgiveness is not possible, accept that the relationship is over. If the relationship is unhealthy, honour yourself by leaving the relationship. If the relationship is abusive, leave the relationship and seek community resources and therapy. Take care of your relationship with yourself. Honour your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
Build Your Strength.
Take a moment to check in with yourself. How do you feel about your relationship? Are your needs being met? What would you like to happen in the relationship?
Talk to your partner and ask for what you want. Make requests in a way that show:
What you want
What they can do to help
How you are feeling
How you would appreciate their help
Why you value this action
If they make efforts to meet your request, let them know how much it means to you.
Check in with your partner. Listen. Ask if their needs are being met.
