By Lacey Lindsey and Christine Harris
Congratulations! Your partner has just scored a new job in a new country. It’s time to pack your bags and start your new life. There’s just one issue. You already had a full life with friends, family, and perhaps a stellar career back home. What are you supposed to do now?
In the world of expat relationships one spouse sometimes moves abroad for a job opportunity with their supportive trailing spouse in tow. The trailing spouse faces all the same challenges as their spouse. There are language barriers and new bureaucracies to navigate. There are new rules and laws to follow, and a new culture to learn about.
However, unlike your spouse, as a trailing spouse, you probably don’t have the immediate emotional security or sense of purpose that a new job can bring. You may have left behind a career of your own to support your partner. That isn’t to say that you can’t be successful here in your own right, but it is more challenging to build up a career in a new country. The licenses and certifications you worked so hard to earn back home may not be honored here. You could be starting from scratch.
Predictably, this sets the stage for conflict in the relationship. Trailing spouses often feel resentful of their partner for the challenges of a move they may not immediately benefit from. Trailing spouses can also be jealous of their partner’s success while also relying on that partner for most of or all of their socialization. Let’s go a step further. In the worst case scenario you are dependent on your spouse and cut off from the outside world, leaving you with feelings of isolation and loneliness, resentment, and doubt. You deserve better than that. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is a challenging time, but it isn’t insurmountable and it’s all about perspective.
Let it all out. Your feelings of frustration, confusion, and loneliness are valid. Moving to a country is stressful, but moving to a new country with little vision for your own life can be even worse. Keeping your feelings bottled up can lead to resentment if you’re not careful.
Find your independence. Your dreams are also valid. It’s your life and there are silver linings to the situation that you may not be aware of yet. With your new life in a new country comes new opportunities. Your new spot may not be an island paradise or some other glamorous tourist destination, but that doesn’t mean there’s not ample room for adventure.
Make a bucket list for your new life. What hobbies and experiences can you pick up that you would not have been able to in your old country? What perks come with your new life? Is there somewhere you’d like to hike? What would you like to learn? The easiest way to build confidence is to try something new. What is your new address known for? What cuisines have you been dying to try?
Make friends with people who are like you. There are bound to be others in your same boat. If there are expats, there are bound to be a few trailing spouses, for better or worse. There’s also a good chance that there are others of your nationality living nearby. Go find them.
But, don’t be afraid to make friends who are different. You’re in a new country and the best way to get out there is to, well, get out there.
Communicate with your partner well and communicate often. Now that we’ve talked about what you can do on your own, let’s bring your spouse back into the picture. It’s okay to let your partner know that you are struggling to find your footing. Many trailing spouses struggle with resentment of their partner, or the overall situation, and keeping your feelings locked away will only create further issues down the line. Planning your next trip back home is also part of communicating with your partner. This will help you have a sense of agency in your relationship, and give you something to look forward to with your partner.
Give yourself space and grace. Some trailing spouses struggle with resentment and it’s not difficult to see why. You may have left behind friends, family, and community. You may have also left behind an illustrious career that doesn’t totally translate in a new country. That’s a big deal! You’re allowed to act accordingly. However, it’s important to make space to grieve your old life outside of your relationship with your spouse. Part of this process means letting go of the blame game.
It may feel unfair, and as we mentioned before, your feelings of frustration are legitimate. Feel them deeply, but remember that you are responsible for this new chapter of your life. You came here. Let’s make the best of it. There are many silver linings and many adventures awaiting you.
