By Kaylei Roberts and Christine Harris
Few factors have a greater influence on how people treat you throughout your life than what sex is assigned to you at birth. The body you are born into greatly influences how people treat you throughout your life.
Despite it being archaic and ignorant, people still use skin color and sex assigned at birth to define people and their roles in the world. Babies are proclaimed to be ‘girls’ or ‘boys,’ then expected to follow narrowly curated cultural stereotypes in order to ‘fit into’ that mold. Since we are unable to change everyone’s prejudices, we are able to question and reject our own personal biases; discover and accept our genuine selves; celebrate each others’ differences and identities; and treat people with respect and kindness.
Sex assigned at birth sometimes determine what clothes, toys, body language, speech, hobbies, activities, sports, and social circles will be accessible to children. What could be more ridiculous than assigning someone a color: pink or blue, with an accompanying list of gender expectations at birth?
Gender expectations are unrealistic and harmful to everyone. Men are expected to be unemotional super hero characters, but that’s not helpful and is mentally damaging. The world doesn’t need super heroes, it needs a fair level playing field. Stereotypes that enforce hero, victim, and perpetrator tropes cause harm in a variety of ways regardless of how one identifies or how others perceive your identity. Each of these identities is damaging to self-esteem. There’s pressure and responsibility to be a hero, and this role depends on someone being in actual danger. In a sense, heroes need perpetrators and victims to stay in business. The expectation to be either a hero or perpetrator of violence and being treated as any of these tropes damages the way someone views themself and believes others to view them.
Assigning people to the roles of victim, perpetrator, and hero based on a prejudice like assigned sex or gender identity creates harm. In Buddhism and some spiritual paths having expectations are considered a hindrance to accepting the world as it is. Cognitive distortions and stereotypes can lead to harm. Schulman’s Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair notes that in domestic disputes police are more likely to arrest people of color (POC); the more masculine presenting person; or LGBTQ+ people regardless of who perpetrated violence on whom. Men, members of the LGBTQA+ community, and POC are often wary of reporting crimes or calling for help when they are in danger because they fear violence or ridicule from law enforcement.
When a system only works for some people, it not only does not work, but creates vast inadequacies in care. Everyone deserves help and to be heard. The Mental Health Responders used in Mobile Crisis units can be a safer alternative to law enforcement and de-escalation of personal conflicts. There’s much for everyone to learn on how we interpret, react, and resolve conflict. We need to unlearn biases that negatively affect how we view and treat each other.
There is a great strength in emotions, self-expression, self-awareness, and the ability to recognize and relate to emotions in others. Masculine stereotypes hold men back from a full life experience and the emotional intelligence needed for true connection. Regardless of sex or gender identity, everyone deserves help and to feel heard. It’s tragic when people are not taken seriously or ridiculed based on gender stereotypes. If you believe no one will listen to you, will perceive you as a violent perpetrator, or will ridicule you for expressing your feelings or talking about what is going on, you are unlikely to seek support. We all need human connection, to be heard, and to receive help.
The stereotypes aren’t real, and they aren’t working. Participating in parades of ‘traditional’ masculine and feminine values are creating serious divides. What could be more valuable than how people treat each other? We can all work towards treating people as individuals rather than making assumptions based on gender, sexuality, race or other shallow markers.
So how do we break down barriers? And how do we define ourselves on our own terms?
Acknowledge there is significant pressure to perform gender roles.
Accept that there are safe spaces, friends, and communities that encourage genuine expression regardless if people’s truth falls outside of the gender binary. Question stereotypes. Seek safe places to heal. Seek a support system. Have integrity. Be accountable for your words and actions. Take pride in being an ally and in solidarity. Seek out places where it’s safe to express yourself. Reclaim who you are, and what that means.
There is freedom in moving away from a narrow-minded world view in favor of inclusion, diversity, and self-expression.
Build Your Strength.
Take a moment to consider how you define yourself. Check in with yourself. How do gender expectations affect you? Do you feel safe expressing a full range of emotions, or are some emotions uncomfortable? Can you think of any ways to be more inclusive and welcome diversity in your personal life and community?
Feel free to share your story with us.
