The Expectations Trap

by Kaylei Roberts and Christine Harris

Edited by Lacey Lindsey 

“You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.”

— Outcast

Expectations are what we think should happen and they can get us into some serious trouble. Expectations are rarely the reality. Fantasies of a “perfect” world that is controlled by what you perceive as fair and ideal will predictably leave us drained and dissatisfied.

Nothing should happen. The real world is more complicated than our preconceived notions. Everyone is faced with challenges and injustices and while we cannot control what happens, we can change how we react to them. We can grow and learn better ways to cope and make beneficial changes in our life.

Wanting is a form of waiting for nothing to happen 

Wanting will not give us what we want. Why cling to the misery of expectations? What is keeping you from letting go of expectations that realistically will only deplete your energy? Because we think we need x, y, and z, we may believe that they must materialize for us. That isn’t the case. Needing something does not make it happen. Wanting something does not  bring it closer to happening. Some things are outside of your control. Accept that you do not need to control situations or other people. Your job is to deal with the situation at hand and decide better ways to interact, engage, accept, or move on from situations and people.

Perspective changes everything

It is not helpful to:

• Pretend things are not happening. 

• Beat yourself up or tear yourself down for feeling the way you feel.

• Push through and overextend yourself.

• Wallow in self-pity or self-hatred.

Instead, you can: 

• Accept the current situation. This is what is happening. 

• Ask yourself - What can I do from here? Can I call and let people know I am unable to attend? Can I do anything beneficial on my end from here?

• Be grateful for what you have. Stop focusing on what you want and take advantage of all that you have. There are many things to appreciate in your life, no matter how small. 

• Cry and allow yourself to be in the moment with how you are feeling without judgement. 

• Have empathy, understanding, and compassion for yourself.

Reframing your expectations for yourself

We all want to be the most fabulous, infallible, ideal versions of ourselves. When we see ourselves as we’d like to be, we fail to accept ourselves for who we are in the current moment. It’s important to be considerate and compassionate towards yourself. Feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, and anger arise when we don’t meet the expectations and ideals for ourselves. If we love and accept ourselves as we are now, for all of our flaws, and with all of the baggage, we can heal. We can grow. We can let go of the fear, denial, and self-hate that holds us back from our goals.

The world is more enjoyable when we accept ourselves and others for who they are as unique, complex, and chaotic networks. When we accept things as they are, we have more power to work with ourselves and make the world more fantastic.

Reframing your expectations for others 

The same can be said for relationships, friendships, marriages, and our expectations for ourselves. Because we think we need x, y, and z, we may believe that they must materialise for us. That isn’t the case. Needing something does not make it happen. Wanting something does not  bring it closer to happening. 

Expectations can change all of our interactions. When we assume that people will drive politely, predictably, and follow the rules of the road, we ensure disappointment. Expecting everyone to be a good driver increases the chances for road rage and traffic incidents. It’s better to accept drivers as they are, and modify how we drive around the conditions of the road. Yes, it may seem grand if people did what we think they are supposed to do, but that is not human nature. We need to drop expectations and realize expectations conflict with reality. Honking and screaming at other drivers will not change their behaviour. Road rage will not help us arrive at our destination sooner or make us feel better.

Value others’ rights to make decisions

It can be very hard when people continually make decisions you do not agree with, especially when they prove to be destructive. It’s important to realise that you are only responsible for your own actions. What other people do is up to them. You get to choose how and if you want to continue to interact with them, and to what extent. Accepting them for who they are and respecting their choices, even if you don’t agree with their choices is vital to maintaining healthy relationships.

Setting Boundaries

When we voice our actual expectations upfront, we can avoid creating ongoing distrust and conflict in the future. When we see our expectations are not being met or are unreasonable, we can adjust our expectations to something more realistic or drop them altogether. 

When everyone is honest and upfront with their expectations we have the opportunity to say no to what we do not consent to or negotiate feasible alternatives. However, it is unreasonable to expect everyone will be honest and upfront with their expectations. Most people aren’t aware of their own expectations or what is expected of them. We can adjust expectations based on what happens and modify our behaviour.

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”

— Brandon Sanderson

Build Your Strength 

See if you can identify places in your life where you are let down because you assume something will happen. Does holding on to that belief help you? How do you think things would be if you let go of that belief?

Make a To-Do list:
Ask yourself:

Is it realistic?
Is it possible to accomplish all of these things in one day?
Is it compassionate?
Does it give you space to rest and take care of yourself?

It’s important to show up for yourself, check in with yourself, and set reasonable goals. You can adjust your daily To-Do list by removing items that are purely idealistic or excessive. If a To-Do list isn’t do-able in a day it can create disappointment and detract from your ability to focus on what you can accomplish. A way to practice self compassion is to remember that you are only human with limitations on your time and energy. Adding enjoyable self-care exercises and time for breaks provides balance and compassion. 

The Success of the Trailing Spouse

By Lacey Lindsey and Christine Harris

Congratulations! Your partner has just scored a new job in a new country. It’s time to pack your bags and start your new life. There’s just one issue. You already had a full life with friends, family, and perhaps a stellar career back home. What are you supposed to do now? 

In the world of expat relationships one spouse sometimes moves abroad for a job opportunity with their supportive trailing spouse in tow. The trailing spouse faces all the same challenges as their spouse. There are language barriers and new bureaucracies to navigate. There are new rules and laws to follow, and a new culture to learn about. 

However, unlike your spouse, as a trailing spouse, you probably don’t have the immediate emotional security or sense of purpose that a new job can bring. You may have left behind a career of your own to support your partner. That isn’t to say that you can’t be successful here in your own right, but it is more challenging to build up a career in a new country. The licenses and certifications you worked so hard to earn back home may not be honored here. You could be starting from scratch. 

Predictably, this sets the stage for conflict in the relationship. Trailing spouses often feel resentful of their partner for the challenges of a move they may not immediately benefit from. Trailing spouses can also be jealous of their partner’s success while also relying on that partner for most of or all of their socialization. Let’s go a step further. In the worst case scenario you are dependent on your spouse and cut off from the outside world, leaving you with feelings of isolation and loneliness, resentment, and doubt. You deserve better than that. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is a challenging time, but it isn’t insurmountable and it’s all about perspective. 

Let it all out. Your feelings of frustration, confusion, and loneliness are valid. Moving to a country is stressful, but moving to a new country with little vision for your own life can be even worse. Keeping your feelings bottled up can lead to resentment if you’re not careful. 

Find your independence. Your dreams are also valid. It’s your life and there are silver linings to the situation that you may not be aware of yet. With your new life in a new country comes new opportunities.  Your new spot may not be an island paradise or some other glamorous tourist destination, but that doesn’t mean there’s not ample room for adventure. 

Make a bucket list for your new life. What hobbies and experiences can you pick up that you would not have been able to in your old country? What perks come with your new life? Is there somewhere you’d like to hike? What would you like to learn? The easiest way to build confidence is to try something new. What is your new address known for? What cuisines have you been dying to try? 

Make friends with people who are like you. There are bound to be others in your same boat. If there are expats, there are bound to be a few trailing spouses, for better or worse. There’s also a good chance that there are others of your nationality living nearby.  Go find them.

But, don’t be afraid to make friends who are different. You’re in a new country and the best way to get out there is to, well, get out there. 

Communicate with your partner well and communicate often. Now that we’ve talked about what you can do on your own, let’s bring your spouse back into the picture. It’s okay to let your partner know that you are struggling to find your footing. Many trailing spouses struggle with resentment of their partner, or the overall situation, and keeping your feelings locked away will only create further issues down the line. Planning your next trip back home is also part of communicating with your partner. This will help you have a sense of agency in your relationship, and give you something to look forward to with your partner.

Give yourself space and grace. Some trailing spouses struggle with resentment and it’s not difficult to see why. You may have left behind friends, family, and community. You may have also left behind an illustrious career that doesn’t totally translate in a new country. That’s a big deal! You’re allowed to act accordingly. However, it’s important to make space to grieve your old life outside of your relationship with your spouse. Part of this process means letting go of the blame game. 

It may feel unfair, and as we mentioned before, your feelings of frustration are legitimate. Feel them deeply, but remember that you are responsible for this new chapter of your life. You came here. Let’s make the best of it. There are many silver linings and many adventures awaiting you. 

Communicating Well With Your Partner

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“Peace begins when expectation ends.”

— Sri Chinmoy

When communicating our goals we are meant to express ourselves, be heard, and to listen to each others’ truths. 

Communication isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about collaboration. A relationship is not a competition. Winning an argument is combative and unhelpful. The goal is to be in it together. Everyone wins via open, honest communication and compromise. Seek to understand each other’s wants, needs, and boundaries. I win by helping you help me. You win by helping me help you.

Assume nothing. Trouble arises when we make assumptions and assume everyone is on the same page. Expectations and assumptions can quickly get out of control. If you’re going to dinner, that doesn’t mean it’s a date. Because you’re dating, doesn’t make you partners. Being in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you’re monogamous. Being partners doesn’t mean you will cohabitate, raise each other’s children, have children, share finances, share affection, be romantic, be sexual, or be emotionally supportive. Perhaps you will be all of these things for each other from time to time. Maybe you and your partner will fill different roles in the relationship. Do not expect your partner to meet all of your needs, or feel pressured to be responsible for all of your partner’s needs. Perhaps some needs can best be met via a friend, therapist, support group, family member, other partner, spiritual guide or mentor.

What do relationships mean to you? There is no one way to be in a relationship, yet people often get caught up in their own definitions or expectations. Almost everyone defines monogamy differently. Almost everyone defines non-monogamy differently. If there are rules or expectations, state them. Ask to receive what you want.
What do you want? Communicate your needs. Voice your needs. Ask your partner, and listen to their needs.

As Terry Real, the couples therapist, writes, Turn complaints into requests. Instead of telling someone what you don't like about them or how they do things, objectively explain what you do want.
This would help me if you…
(do the dishes when I cook dinner/ wash your dishes instead of letting them pile up in the sink/ take your shoes off at the door instead of tracking in the house/ plan a date for us/ are on time for our dates/ spend quality time with me without phones or devices/ speak to me in a respectful tone, refrain from raising your voice at me/ give me personal space when I wake up before I make tea/ ask me how I am after work)
This is really important to me. Can we please work on it?

Voice how you feel. Voice how actions affect you. 

“I feel ______ when…”  

(un/loved, heard, dismissed, un/wanted, safe, insecure, happy, sad, dis/content, triggered, joyous, furious, angry, at peace, violated, content, ashamed, guilty, afraid, scared, grounded)
I feel violated when you look through my phone. I need you to respect my privacy and not touch my phone.

I feel respected when you call me by these names and pronouns. Please refrain from using dismissive names such as “baby, boy, girl, tiny, doll, sweetheart, etc”… because they make me feel... belittled/ disrespected/ dysphoric/ sad/ childish.

I feel loved when you (give me a massage/ read next to me/ treat me to dinner and a movie/ take me on adventures/ show me your artwork/ surprise me)

Show appreciation. We must practice gratitude. If you are not grateful for your partner or vice versa, it’s time to move on. 

I love it when you… 

I appreciate you talking to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult for you to have these conversations.

Celebrate efforts made to resolve issues. Communicating isn’t only about voicing what you want to change, it’s about celebrating small wins. Relationships take work. Reward each other for efforts in listening and making changes. Acknowledge if you notice your partner is trying. Thank them.
Ask yourself: Do you want this relationship to work out? If the answer is no, that’s okay. There is no shame in letting go of what is not working for you. It’s unfair to everyone to take up important space in each other’s lives when you don’t want to be there. Honour your relationship by communicating your wants, needs, desires, and boundaries. Ask for what you want. Listen to their requests. Seek therapy or outside assistance if you feel stuck. If you or your partner are unwilling to take these steps, it’s important to ask yourself why you are staying in the relationship. 

Recognise when it’s time to move on with your life when all efforts have been exhausted. If you do not respect your partner, honour each other by leaving the relationship. If boundaries are continuously violated by either partner, it’s time to move on. If there is an unwillingness to communicate and work on issues, do not expect improvement. If forgiveness is not possible, accept that the relationship is over. If the relationship is unhealthy, honour yourself by leaving the relationship. If the relationship is abusive, leave the relationship and seek community resources and therapy. Take care of your relationship with yourself. Honour your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Build Your Strength.

Take a moment to check in with yourself. How do you feel about your relationship? Are your needs being met? What would you like to happen in the relationship?

Talk to your partner and ask for what you want. Make requests in a way that show:

• What you want

• What they can do to help

• How you are feeling

• How you would appreciate their help

• Why you value this action

If they make efforts to meet your request, let them know how much it means to you.

Check in with your partner. Listen. Ask if their needs are being met.