Strengthening Confidence

by

Christine Harris*

True confidence is an ongoing process of shedding outdated beliefs about yourself that weigh you down.  This makes space to embrace positive qualities and values that empower your journey.  When you have developed more awareness about who you are and what you stand for and value, you’ll be on the path of increasing your personal resilience and confidence.  The purpose of this article is to help you focus on the elements needed to feel solid in your self-confidence. 

Judgment is something that will get in the way of strengthening confidence if you don’t become aware of how easily we jump to criticize, evaluate and judge ourselves.  It’s an inclination that only we human beings manage to cloud ourselves with and this keeps us muddling along versus flowing along!  Notice that we are the only animal that does this…if a deer trips over a fallen branch in the forest, once they’ve succeeded in moving past the branch, they don’t look back or pester themselves about tripping over the branch. 

Allowing yourself to judge and criticize yourself will only get in the way of strengthening your sense of self-confidence.  Spend this week observing yourself rather than judging yourself.  Here are the steps to break the judgment urge, so that you will move onto strengthening your confidence levels. 

Firstly, spend this week simply observing when and where you judged or criticized yourself.  This helps create more awareness, by reflecting on when you judged or criticized yourself.  You might make a note as you are looking for patterns of time, place, and what else was going on, etc. 

The second week when the urge to judge or criticize comes up, simply say to yourself, “That’s interesting” or “That’s curious”.  Keep practicing this way of being non-judgmental with yourself.  The urge to judge is just that…an urge…simply old wiring, a pattern that you have kept alive.  It is alright to let it go.  Judgment doesn’t increase your levels of self-confidence! 

What really matters to you? Make a list of attributes like creativity, honesty, knowledge, responsibility, relationships, adventure, and more.  Seek balance across any competing values, such as freedom versus stability.  Define what these principles mean in your life.  Do they align with how you think, speak and act day-to-day?  If not, make adjustments. 

When facing obstacles that test your capabilities and determination, resist the urge to give up. Reflect on insights gained and skills built through confronting the challenge.  Study resources or join a supportive community to continue growing your abilities.  Then reassess your approach with more self-compassion, and try again from this wiser perspective. 

Staying grounded in the present moment prevents getting distracted from what truly matters. Carve out time for self-care routines that connect you to your body, mind and spirit. Yoga, meditation, dancing, massage and being immersed in Nature engages the senses and calms anxiety.  Studies confirm that activities like being in Nature lower stress hormones and heart rate while boosting energy, mood and immunity. 

Relaxation practices are equally vital for resilience and are most successful when you train consistently for 21 days.  Once trained the relaxation practice will relax you in less than 30 seconds.  Just 10 minutes a day of deep breathing, peaceful visualization or repeating mantras activates the body’s relaxation response, leading to clearer perspectives and renewed motivation. 

Your self-talk carries weight, so tune in as you would to a close friend. Limit belittling narratives that feed insecurity and erode self-worth.  Instead, speak encouraging truths aloud and envision handling difficult situations well.  Read biographies of those you admire for any relevant wisdom.  What lessons or inspiration can you integrate from their example? 

Owning all aspects of your authentic self builds confidence from the inside out.  Rather than minimizing interests or emotions to please others, pursue what sparks passion in you.  Invest in personal growth, emotional intimacy in relationships, and activities that feel purposeful.  You’ll become more comfortable in your own skin, able to then connect confidently with individuals who appreciate the real you. 

Build Your Strength 

The Confidence Companion Team 

Surround yourself with champions who inspire boldness and believe in your ability to achieve meaningful goals.  Be selective about those influences, limiting time with peers or media that frequently criticize.  Their cynicism and pessimism can inadvertently become your inner soundtrack.  Instead, exchange ideas and mutual support with those who share your values and commitment to personal development. 

Have the Courage to Be Seen 

The visibility that comes with confidently expressing your creativity or pursuing leadership can seem daunting.  Banish worries of being judged and found not good enough. Those insecurities diminish your light.  Rather, have the courage to be seen for all that you are and wish to contribute.  People will critique no matter what you do or say, so stay true to your vision and purpose.  The right collaborators and opportunities will gather around your authenticity and passion. 

Expand Your Growth Mindset 

How we explain life’s setbacks and slights profoundly impacts motivation and grit.  A fixed mindset assumes challenges reflect an innate lack of talent or intelligence.  This disempowering narrative makes us quick to surrender when solutions don’t appear instantly. Conversely, a growth mindset approaches roadblocks as chances to build skills and knowledge.  Failures become lessons rather than indictments of self-worth.  Adopt this empowering narrative, along with the habit of asking “what can I learn here?”.  This mindset lifts confidence to keep thriving.  It also helps normalize that building anything great takes years of incremental progress and course corrections. 

Tend Your Inner Garden 

Our self-talk matters.  Negativity fuels insecurity and self-judgment.  Monitor inner dialogues as you would conversations with a good friend.  Release limiting thoughts and feed strengths and dreams instead.  Envision handling challenges.  Read about those you admire.  What lessons or inspiration can be gathered? 

Express Your Authentic Self 

Vulnerability builds connection and confidence.  Share feelings and values over impressing others.  Explore interests.  Uncover your true self, not who you think you should be.  Boldly say this is me - right here, right now.

*Assisted by Claude AI

Finding Calm in the Storm: Techniques to Self-Regulate Anxious Mood

By Christine Harris

Life today moves fast, demanding more and more from us. It's no wonder anxiety has become a common struggle, with over 40 million American adults battling anxiety disorders. However, even non-clinical anxiety that builds throughout stressful days can accumulate and feel overwhelming.

When you notice anxious feelings arising, there are effective ways to self-soothe instead of being swept away in the currents. Techniques from psychotherapy approaches like Focusing Oriented Psychotherapy, Autogenic Relaxation Training, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy can help you get grounded and shift out of anxiety. With practice, you can learn to relax amidst anxious moments.

Tune Into Your Body

Focusing Oriented Psychotherapy teaches that tuning into subtle body sensations can help calm rising anxiety. When you feel anxious, take deep breaths and scan your body without judging it. Notice any tension or unease. Pay special attention to your stomach area, chest, shoulders and face, common places tension lodges. As you breathe and focus non-judgmentally on sensations, they may shift or release. This returns your nervous system to homeostasis. 

Imagine a Healing Safe Place

Imagery techniques from Autogenic Relaxation Training also release anxiety. If you feel rising panic, anxiety or muscle tension, imagine lying in a calm, quiet, safe place. Envision somewhere you feel peaceful: a beach, meadow, or even your own bed. Feel the supportive surface enveloping your body. Notice any tension melting away. Allow your senses to be immersed in this safe place - the sounds, smells, temperature. Let this vivid scene bathe your nerves in restful sensations.

Practicing Autogenic Relaxation audio recording once or twice a day for three weeks will train your autonomic nervous system to go into a relaxed state within 30 seconds when you use the technique!  Listen to the recording here.  It’s less than 13 minutes long! 

Observe Thoughts Without Judgment

Dialectical Behavior Therapy highlights how judgmental thinking worsens anxiety. Catch yourself assessing a situation negatively, and anxiety can heighten. Instead, neutralize anxious thoughts through nonjudgmental observation. Notice thoughts arising without labeling them good or bad. Imagine thoughts drifting past like clouds. This separates you from them rather than fueling them. Say “I notice myself having the thought that I am in danger. This is just a thought rather than a fact.” This self-talk through observation defuses anxiety.

Over time, regularly using such techniques rewires your nervous system to have a greater sense of control over anxiety. You realize you can self-soothe and shift your state using your own skills. You don’t have to be swept away in fight-or-flight reactivity. There are always tools available to cultivate your inner calm.

Build Your Strength

- Establish routines: Structure helps manage worry and uncertainty. Follow daily routines for meals, sleep, work and exercise. 

- Limit stimulant intake: Caffeine and excessive digital input heighten nerves.

- Use relaxation skills daily: Don’t just use them when anxious. Do deep breathing, stretch, meditate daily to stay grounded.

- Connect with others: Isolation worsens anxiety. Bond with supportive people through shared activities.

- Identify triggers: Notice situations that commonly spark your anxiety so you can better prepare. 

- Keep perspective: When anxieties arise, ask yourself, “What is the likelihood this worry will actually happen? What’s the worst case scenario and could I cope with that?” This squashes irrational fears.

You have more power than you think over anxiety. By regularly using techniques that work with your nervous system, body and thought patterns, you build self-regulating skills to rely on when you need soothing. You don’t have to allow anxiety to overwhelm you. Think of it as an invitation to care for yourself. Let it remind you to tap into your inner calm every day.

Assisted by Claude.AI

The Expectations Trap

by Kaylei Roberts and Christine Harris

Edited by Lacey Lindsey 

“You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather.”

— Outcast

Expectations are what we think should happen and they can get us into some serious trouble. Expectations are rarely the reality. Fantasies of a “perfect” world that is controlled by what you perceive as fair and ideal will predictably leave us drained and dissatisfied.

Nothing should happen. The real world is more complicated than our preconceived notions. Everyone is faced with challenges and injustices and while we cannot control what happens, we can change how we react to them. We can grow and learn better ways to cope and make beneficial changes in our life.

Wanting is a form of waiting for nothing to happen 

Wanting will not give us what we want. Why cling to the misery of expectations? What is keeping you from letting go of expectations that realistically will only deplete your energy? Because we think we need x, y, and z, we may believe that they must materialize for us. That isn’t the case. Needing something does not make it happen. Wanting something does not  bring it closer to happening. Some things are outside of your control. Accept that you do not need to control situations or other people. Your job is to deal with the situation at hand and decide better ways to interact, engage, accept, or move on from situations and people.

Perspective changes everything

It is not helpful to:

• Pretend things are not happening. 

• Beat yourself up or tear yourself down for feeling the way you feel.

• Push through and overextend yourself.

• Wallow in self-pity or self-hatred.

Instead, you can: 

• Accept the current situation. This is what is happening. 

• Ask yourself - What can I do from here? Can I call and let people know I am unable to attend? Can I do anything beneficial on my end from here?

• Be grateful for what you have. Stop focusing on what you want and take advantage of all that you have. There are many things to appreciate in your life, no matter how small. 

• Cry and allow yourself to be in the moment with how you are feeling without judgement. 

• Have empathy, understanding, and compassion for yourself.

Reframing your expectations for yourself

We all want to be the most fabulous, infallible, ideal versions of ourselves. When we see ourselves as we’d like to be, we fail to accept ourselves for who we are in the current moment. It’s important to be considerate and compassionate towards yourself. Feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, and anger arise when we don’t meet the expectations and ideals for ourselves. If we love and accept ourselves as we are now, for all of our flaws, and with all of the baggage, we can heal. We can grow. We can let go of the fear, denial, and self-hate that holds us back from our goals.

The world is more enjoyable when we accept ourselves and others for who they are as unique, complex, and chaotic networks. When we accept things as they are, we have more power to work with ourselves and make the world more fantastic.

Reframing your expectations for others 

The same can be said for relationships, friendships, marriages, and our expectations for ourselves. Because we think we need x, y, and z, we may believe that they must materialise for us. That isn’t the case. Needing something does not make it happen. Wanting something does not  bring it closer to happening. 

Expectations can change all of our interactions. When we assume that people will drive politely, predictably, and follow the rules of the road, we ensure disappointment. Expecting everyone to be a good driver increases the chances for road rage and traffic incidents. It’s better to accept drivers as they are, and modify how we drive around the conditions of the road. Yes, it may seem grand if people did what we think they are supposed to do, but that is not human nature. We need to drop expectations and realize expectations conflict with reality. Honking and screaming at other drivers will not change their behaviour. Road rage will not help us arrive at our destination sooner or make us feel better.

Value others’ rights to make decisions

It can be very hard when people continually make decisions you do not agree with, especially when they prove to be destructive. It’s important to realise that you are only responsible for your own actions. What other people do is up to them. You get to choose how and if you want to continue to interact with them, and to what extent. Accepting them for who they are and respecting their choices, even if you don’t agree with their choices is vital to maintaining healthy relationships.

Setting Boundaries

When we voice our actual expectations upfront, we can avoid creating ongoing distrust and conflict in the future. When we see our expectations are not being met or are unreasonable, we can adjust our expectations to something more realistic or drop them altogether. 

When everyone is honest and upfront with their expectations we have the opportunity to say no to what we do not consent to or negotiate feasible alternatives. However, it is unreasonable to expect everyone will be honest and upfront with their expectations. Most people aren’t aware of their own expectations or what is expected of them. We can adjust expectations based on what happens and modify our behaviour.

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”

— Brandon Sanderson

Build Your Strength 

See if you can identify places in your life where you are let down because you assume something will happen. Does holding on to that belief help you? How do you think things would be if you let go of that belief?

Make a To-Do list:
Ask yourself:

Is it realistic?
Is it possible to accomplish all of these things in one day?
Is it compassionate?
Does it give you space to rest and take care of yourself?

It’s important to show up for yourself, check in with yourself, and set reasonable goals. You can adjust your daily To-Do list by removing items that are purely idealistic or excessive. If a To-Do list isn’t do-able in a day it can create disappointment and detract from your ability to focus on what you can accomplish. A way to practice self compassion is to remember that you are only human with limitations on your time and energy. Adding enjoyable self-care exercises and time for breaks provides balance and compassion.