By Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
Relationships are in a flux as we alter our way of living due to the pandemic. Meeting up is more problematic, risky, and inconvenient than pre-pandemic. Chances are your social network is changing with the times. Perhaps you’ve found yourself drifting away from those to whom you were close pre-pandemic, growing closer to acquaintances, engaging in different ways with your network, meeting new people, or seeking new connections.
Spending more time with fewer people tests compatibility. We are learning what it means to share space with each other and to set aside time for each other.
Communicate
We have so much we want to know about others and things we feel we need to tell them, although we don't always know where to start. Putting yourself out there feels vulnerable, yet the only way to connect is to take the risk.
Identify What’s Important to You
As a society we’ve been communicating how we identify more, and in many ways it can make it easier to navigate dating, friendships, and core values. A growing understanding of intersectionality, demand for diverse representation, and access to information enables us to discover ourselves and learn about people across backgrounds and viewpoints. How do you identify? This can relate to gender identity, sexuality, and various facets of life. What type of relationship are you looking for? Do you want your next relationship to be platonic, monogamous, polyamorous, romantic, aromantic, or asexual? Most importantly, what do these identities mean to you? Being on the same page of accepting each others’ desires and differences is important.
Appreciate Actions
It’s all about communication, and it’s also all about actions. Do people follow through with their words? What does everyone do to show love and appreciation? What makes each person feel appreciated? They said this, but can they show you? Are you saying what you mean, or what people want to hear? Don’t take actions for granted.
Know Yourself
Know what you need and want. Know what qualities you will not tolerate. Know what your boundaries are around drugs and alcohol, and be willing to discuss it without making judgements or assumptions of what others’ stance may be. Acknowledge how you are feeling and identify what’s going on in the moment as you experience different emotions.
Be Responsible for Yourself
Take responsibility for your feelings and actions. Checking in with yourself regularly and learning what motivates your emotions allows you to be more in control of your actions. “I feel” statements are extremely helpful in any relationship.
“I like the way you…”
“I feel loved when…”
“I feel upset when…”
“I feel angry when…”
“I feel safe when...”
“I feel frustrated when...”
“I feel appreciated when…”
Avoid attributing others as the masters of your feelings with blame statements like “You made me angry.” This gives others too much credit and control over your emotions. No one has the ability to make you feel something. Stating how you feel and stating what actions led you to feel that way informs others of how you may emote or react in the future.
Likewise, be careful not to take responsibility for others’ feelings. You are only responsible for your words, actions, and emotions.
A major aspect of personal responsibility is not overstepping your boundaries. You can hold others accountable for their responsibilities, but taking on others’ responsibilities creates problems for everyone. Be mindful of if you are helping or enabling.
Voice Expectations
If you know what you want, tell people who are important to you so everyone is on the same page. Expecting people to intuit your mind is a recipe for disaster. Everyone involved can be absolutely lovely but hold conflicting core values. Conflicting beliefs and lifestyles aren’t a matter of who’s right or wrong; our differences are valid. Accept people for who they are right now and move on if necessary. If people are unable or unwilling to meet or compromise expectations, voicing the reality of the situation upfront can resolve future heartaches and headaches.
Break Off Deal Breakers
Having firm boundaries on core values or actions you are not willing to tolerate weeds out people who are not right for you. Look at the way your loved ones treat others; if it’s not how you want them to treat you, consider that a red flag. Letting go of situations that aren’t right for you opens up space for you to let the right ones into your life.
Set and Maintain Boundaries
Regardless of the relationship, it’s important to set boundaries. Boundaries bring us closer together by showing mutual respect, compassion, and care. Taking time to voice and respect each other’s privacy, space, abilities, differences, and mental health can lead each other to feel valued rather than violated. Family, friends, and lovers need to communicate healthy boundaries in order to strengthen their bond.
Have Fun.
Spend time on activities you mutually enjoy. Find what brings you together. Be willing to experiment and open to new experiences.
Build Your Strength.
What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want to be friends, partners, lovers, or something else entirely? In your journal, write down what you want in a relationship. It can be with a family member, lover, friend, coworker, gym buddy, neighbor, or someone you haven’t met yet. Create a list of how you want to be treated as well as what you find unacceptable, and hold yourself accountable for the friends you keep.
