by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you hold them, the more likely they were to crack.”
It seems like a lot of expats are getting tripped up with the issue of expectations whether it’s what they do to our brains or how best to survive having them float around in our brain. Here’s something I wrote for you in the hopes that it will help you manage your expectations.
What are “expectations”?
Expectations are what we think should happen. Expectations undermine who we are, who others are, and what is. It’s the ideal, not the reality. As soon as we begin fantasizing about our new lives, a new experience, anything that is new, we create a vision in our minds that may or may not come true. This opens the door to lots of disappointment and lots of hurt feelings. Fantasies of a “perfect” world that are controlled by what you perceive as fair and ideal will predictably leave us drained and dissatisfied. Expectations aren’t what will happen. Expectations aren’t based in reality nor are they accurate forecasts for the future.
The harsh truth: you need to hear it
Nothing should happen. The real world is messy and there is a lot of luck involved. Everyone is faced with challenges and injustices. We will not be able to control what happens, but we will be able to change how we react and interact. We will be able to grow and learn better ways to cope and make beneficial changes in our life.
We have the power to love and accept ourselves for who we are. The world is more enjoyable when we accept it and the people in it for who they are as unique, complex, and chaotic networks. When we accept things as they are, we have more power to work with ourselves and make the world more fantastic.
Accept that perfection, control, and expectations are illusions. Let go of expectations. Let go of control. Accept and work with what’s happening.
Expectations at work
Often times job descriptions fail to include all of the tasks that the employer expects or will expect over time. These un-agreed upon terms and unspoken expectations are often the source of job dissatisfaction, disinterest, tension, distrust, and leave employees feeling manipulated, used, and under appreciated. Better communication creates mutual respect, mutual trust, and leads to a more enthusiastic, functional work environment. People are often upset about making coffee runs & doing extraneous errands because it’s not their job or they had no idea it was supposed to be. Unspoken expectations can transform a task that would otherwise be enjoyable into a source of stress that detracts from their ability to focus on what they perceive as their actual job.
Alternatively, when everyone is honest and upfront with their expectations we have the opportunity to say no to what we do not consent to or negotiate feasible alternatives. On the same note, it is unreasonable to expect everyone to be honest and upfront with their expectations. Most people aren’t aware of their expectations or what is expected of them. We can adjust expectations based on what happens and modify our behaviour. Often we aren’t upset about the terms of the job, we are just stuck in our initial understanding. If the actual description was stated and agreed upon, we’d be delighted to work and cheerfully run errands for our colleagues.
Expectations about living abroad
After a while, the novelty of your new environment will wear off and you will begin your (still new) ordinary life. Annual doctor appointments, dental check ups, oil changes in your car, cooking recipes, and so on. This is the phase where a lot of your expectations might come clashing with what reality is like. Perhaps, the culture wasn’t as “fun” as you thought for it to be, or the city is nothing as described to you from what you have read and informed yourself previously. Whatever it is, this is the challenging part. It’s time to build a meaningful life abroad, no matter what.
Distractions in our path
The problem with expectations is that they distract us from the originally assigned task we set out to undertake. So instead of feeling helpful and enjoying the excursion to treat people to coffee, we may feel rushed, unable to get everything done, and pressed for time. Without realizing it, we may feel duped, manipulated, unappreciated and resentful towards our boss. We may feel guilty and not good enough with ourselves because we think we should be x, y, and z or we think our boss should be x, y, and z, etc.
When we voice our actual expectations upfront, we can avoid creating ongoing distrust and conflict in the future. When we see that our expectations are not being met or are unreasonable, we can adjust our expectations to something more realistic or drop them altogether. Perspective changes everything.
Need a push in the right direction?
You don’t have to learn how to manage your expectations on your own. There is always help available around the corner or in this case, a few clicks away. Are your expectations stopping you from enjoying your experience as an expat? Counseling can help ease the transition to your new life. Through counseling, coaching, and therapy, it is possible to circumvent or soften obstacles that prevent you from living your life to the fullest. I want to help you succeed and learn how to manage your day-to-day expectations revolving in your life.
