The Success of the Trailing Spouse

By Lacey Lindsey and Christine Harris

Congratulations! Your partner has just scored a new job in a new country. It’s time to pack your bags and start your new life. There’s just one issue. You already had a full life with friends, family, and perhaps a stellar career back home. What are you supposed to do now? 

In the world of expat relationships one spouse sometimes moves abroad for a job opportunity with their supportive trailing spouse in tow. The trailing spouse faces all the same challenges as their spouse. There are language barriers and new bureaucracies to navigate. There are new rules and laws to follow, and a new culture to learn about. 

However, unlike your spouse, as a trailing spouse, you probably don’t have the immediate emotional security or sense of purpose that a new job can bring. You may have left behind a career of your own to support your partner. That isn’t to say that you can’t be successful here in your own right, but it is more challenging to build up a career in a new country. The licenses and certifications you worked so hard to earn back home may not be honored here. You could be starting from scratch. 

Predictably, this sets the stage for conflict in the relationship. Trailing spouses often feel resentful of their partner for the challenges of a move they may not immediately benefit from. Trailing spouses can also be jealous of their partner’s success while also relying on that partner for most of or all of their socialization. Let’s go a step further. In the worst case scenario you are dependent on your spouse and cut off from the outside world, leaving you with feelings of isolation and loneliness, resentment, and doubt. You deserve better than that. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is a challenging time, but it isn’t insurmountable and it’s all about perspective. 

Let it all out. Your feelings of frustration, confusion, and loneliness are valid. Moving to a country is stressful, but moving to a new country with little vision for your own life can be even worse. Keeping your feelings bottled up can lead to resentment if you’re not careful. 

Find your independence. Your dreams are also valid. It’s your life and there are silver linings to the situation that you may not be aware of yet. With your new life in a new country comes new opportunities.  Your new spot may not be an island paradise or some other glamorous tourist destination, but that doesn’t mean there’s not ample room for adventure. 

Make a bucket list for your new life. What hobbies and experiences can you pick up that you would not have been able to in your old country? What perks come with your new life? Is there somewhere you’d like to hike? What would you like to learn? The easiest way to build confidence is to try something new. What is your new address known for? What cuisines have you been dying to try? 

Make friends with people who are like you. There are bound to be others in your same boat. If there are expats, there are bound to be a few trailing spouses, for better or worse. There’s also a good chance that there are others of your nationality living nearby.  Go find them.

But, don’t be afraid to make friends who are different. You’re in a new country and the best way to get out there is to, well, get out there. 

Communicate with your partner well and communicate often. Now that we’ve talked about what you can do on your own, let’s bring your spouse back into the picture. It’s okay to let your partner know that you are struggling to find your footing. Many trailing spouses struggle with resentment of their partner, or the overall situation, and keeping your feelings locked away will only create further issues down the line. Planning your next trip back home is also part of communicating with your partner. This will help you have a sense of agency in your relationship, and give you something to look forward to with your partner.

Give yourself space and grace. Some trailing spouses struggle with resentment and it’s not difficult to see why. You may have left behind friends, family, and community. You may have also left behind an illustrious career that doesn’t totally translate in a new country. That’s a big deal! You’re allowed to act accordingly. However, it’s important to make space to grieve your old life outside of your relationship with your spouse. Part of this process means letting go of the blame game. 

It may feel unfair, and as we mentioned before, your feelings of frustration are legitimate. Feel them deeply, but remember that you are responsible for this new chapter of your life. You came here. Let’s make the best of it. There are many silver linings and many adventures awaiting you. 

Journaling

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

The purpose of this article is to show you how to journal effectively. Journaling is a time-old process used by everyone - from cave drawings, Egyptian hieroglyphics to Henry VII’s diaries. The process of keeping a diary or writing alone is therapeutic.  A pen gliding across the paper is a cathartic way to record thoughts; re-live how you feel; and re-visit what you were thinking.

Journaling helps to:

• slow down

• reflect

• take in 

• unwind

• savour moments

• gain perspective

• learn about yourself

• practice writing skills

• make lists

• organize your thoughts

It offers insight into what you enjoy; what works for you; and how you spend your time and energy.

What type of journal interests you? narrative, ideas, jokes, lyrics, dreams, health, gratitude

Where to journal? - Cozy spot, outside, in bed, garden, waiting for appointments, stoop― it could be anywhere, preferably with a cup of tea

When to journal?  - Before starting your day/ breakfast, before bed

Why to journal? - Cathartic, to unwind, to remember, provide a measurable objective idea of what now is like, purpose, to meditate, stream of consciousness― Journaling can be fun or informative.

What is your intention? Perhaps you need time to yourself, want to get out of your head, want a private space to mull things over, want to remember your life, want to start a gratitude practice, want to remember your dreams...  Think about what you want to get out of this experience.

Steps:

1 – Get a journal- it can be a spiral notebook or anything laying around with blank paper, no need to be fancy.

2– Schedule a time and place where you can write.

3– Be True to Yourself. Try to be honest, gentle, and practice self love. This is for you; you don’t need to impress anyone.

It’s important to be gentle with yourself and practice self care, but you don’t need to hold back when you journal. You can be raw, real, genuine, authentic, and honest. For a challenge you can try to observe your thoughts without judgement.

Take time to sit with yourself and express what you’re feeling. This is for your feelings, not for a museum or to impress your mum. You deserve this time completely for yourself.

The How To of Positive Psychology

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

People commonly associate Positive Psychology with optimism and mind over matter. It is more complex and involved than saying or thinking “good thoughts”. Positive Psychology attempts to achieve happiness by doing: practicing gratitude, genuine self-examination, and self discipline.

We can use Positive Psychology to prioritize happiness in both the present and build strengths to fulfil personal goals for the future. To be successful involves consistent work everyday. 

There is an overload of negative messages in the news and media that can subconsciously cause us to shutdown or lose faith in people or the world. To challenge downtrodden views by sensationalist media is important. Realistically, the media tends to express extremist views that sell fear and insecurity. Think of reality television; a balanced view is considered boring, although pragmatism and stability are arguably more enjoyable. Changing the way you think, optimising what you do, and spending your time better create a path to happiness.

Set goals. Identify what you most want to change or improve in your life and create a goal to work towards achieving that purpose. Don’t stress, this does not have to be your life’s purpose. It can be simple or complex, and you can tweak it as you go.

Make room for ritual. Schedule daily and weekly activities to make yourself happy and for your personal well-being. Organise them at regular times throughout your day. Stick to these goals even if you don’t feel like it. Chances are you won’t feel like doing things, pleasurable or challenging, until you create a habit. It takes roughly a month to create a habit. It could be doing YouTube dance tutorials for 30 minutes every day (with breaks and modified as needed) and going to an Improv class once a week.
Say mantras. Repeat a phrase that you want to embody, you can tie it into your meditation practice, say it to yourself on your drive or in the shower, or for daily motivation. It’s important to identify a belief you want to change or a goal you want to accomplish; cater your mantra to you. For example, If you feel weak say I am strong. Breathing is easy. Exercising is easy. I love myself deeply. Using prompts like saying your mantra when you enter a doorway, see or hear someone laugh, see or hear an animal, or when you look at your phone will assist in staying on task, creating the habits and optimising your brain.

Exercise. Your mind and body are connected. Consistently dedicating 30 minutes of your day to light or moderate exercise has countless positive effects on your mood, body, mind, and stamina. Keep searching for a way to move that works for you. Don’t stress about your ability; focus on improving upon what you can do. Yes, some people go to the gym and deadlift 35 stone, but you can get strong increasing your reps of small barbells, swimming, yoga, dance, tai chi, or whatever interests you.

Express gratitude. Express what you are grateful for each day. Be grateful to yourself for working on self-improvement and prioritizing your happiness and well-being.

Learn to Fail Forward. Taking risks and failing make you a stronger person, now more capable to fight bigger battles. Playing it safe and striving to stay in your comfort zone is a commitment to failure. If you never muster up the courage to put yourself out there, you will definitely fail. If you strive and challenge yourself, you will experience some failure and some success. You will progress in a positive direction. You will be stronger, and who knows, you may live your dream. Don’t roll over because you are afraid of failure; roll the dice.

““[I]t’s not necessarily going to work out the way you want it to work out, but it is taking you forward, and you are leaving the nest. And that never can be a mistake—to fly instead of staying in the nest with all the poop and everything that’s in there.” ”

— Quote SoPema Chödrön, Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknownurce

Build Your Strength. In your journal write down your main goals: what you want to focus on create, become, or what you want to heal or repair in your life. Make rituals, realistic daily goals, and set aside dedicated time to focus exclusively on those goals. Meditating when you wake up or light exercise before breakfast are excellent. Pair an activity with something you already do, like practicing mantras, quick exercises, or breathing exercises while you wait on the tea kettle. Be consistent. Organise these into a daily checklist and hang it where you will see, do, and check off your accomplishments everyday.

Positive Psychology Meets the Pity Party

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

To someone with or without Fibromyalgia “How are you doing?” can come off as small talk, an invitation, or a loaded question. It can feel like an obligation to say you’re fine for others’ supposed benefit; an excuse to list ailments and woes; or  even elicit a complicated social panic.

Expression is massively vital to well-being. Letting out your feelings and running with your personality are paramount to happiness, but where is the line? What is the difference between having a pity party and expressing all of your feelings?

Expression starts with you. Often we mask how we truly feel. Finding a healthy way to listen to your mind and body is vital to expressing yourself. Discovering positive ways to honestly express yourself can take on a journey of its own.

Set intentions. Are you trying to solve a problem or brag about it? If you’re competing for sympathy, it’s time to stop. Making someone feel bad for you, will not make you feel any better; that’s not the type of validation to strive for. Focus on positives. It could be as simple as a recipe or something you saw out your window. Tell a joke that made you laugh. 

Be proactive. Have you found something you enjoy or that gives you relief? Share it! Focus on steps to take care of yourself: sticking to a doable exercise plan, exercising gratitude for what you do have, making healthier choices, and prioritizing what makes you happy.

Practice Positive Psychology. Focus on Self-Love; Focus on bettering your future. Let go of the past along with anything not serving you now. Old scores are not present, move on, do what you can now.

“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin
As self-neglecting.”

— Henry V, William Shakespeare

Build Your Strength 

Slow down your breathing. Take a deep breath for a count of 5, hold it, then let it out to a count of 10. Do this breathing exercise 5 times in the morning and five times at night. It’s great to do if you’re stressed, waiting on something, or whenever. Try this Polyvagal breathing exercise everyday for 2 weeks, and see how you feel. 

How Fear Manifests

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

What if I told you it’s not your fault? That time you froze up instead of doing something, anything, was an automatic biological response outside of your conscious control?

It’s time to forgive yourself for unfavorable, fear based reactions, and move forward.

Guilt and shame are not serving you. Replace them and take control of your fears.

When we come from a place of compassion for ourselves and those around us, we are our best selves. Cutting ourselves down for our past traps us. To move forward we must forgive ourselves, and work to a better future.

How we react to negative people or situations usually comes about in a few different ways. When we face danger or perceived danger we respond with:

Fight- attack the conflict head on

Flight- run away, escape the situation

Freeze- shut down, pretend or believe this isn’t happening

Fight, flight or freeze turn out to be more complicated than previously thought, for humans anyway. 

In many ways this o’possum self defense methods allow us to excel and form stronger bonds and collaborate with new stimuli in our environment that could be perceived as a threat. However, freezing like fainting or passing out is not always safe or ideal. When exposed to trauma this is often the case. People’s body automatically freeze without making a conscious decision, thinking, or having a proper chat with your brain and body to double check that it’s a proper good idea.

Adverts and politicians use this method to scare people into buying into their products because they can’t afford not to!!! Fear overrides our nervous system, which encourages us to make rash actions rather than intelligent choices. Think about it. If someone is screaming or using fear-based arguments, do you think they really have your best interests at heart? Calm discussions may not be as overwhelmingly exciting as an infomercial, but they tend to present more sound, clear information.

Understanding more of the physiology of these responses will help us to calm our reactions as we’ll explain below.

Take the example of the freeze response. Our vagus nerve is a dual feedback loop.  The most major of the cranial nerves, the vagus nerve goes from the back of the brain down into all our major organs including the heart and stomach. This means that the brain is talking to our organs and our organs are talking back to the brain. Emergencies are felt by the heart and the stomach, for example, and then a signal is sent to the brain resulting in a freeze response.  

Rather than running or fighting constantly, ‘toning’ the vagus nerve via a breathing technique allows us to slow down and use diplomacy and conflict resolution. (Vagus Toning Technique:  Inhale for 4 counts and exhale for 6 counts...and repeat as much as you want.)

When we get scared, we breathe quickly, our senses heighten so the barely audible sound of a creaky floor can put us on edge. Pain intensifies and our hearing becomes sharp as a defense mechanism to escape predators, which is advantageous for survival in life-threatening situations. Sometimes our body gets mixed messages and overreacts when we aren’t in a dangerous situation, which causes problems and unnecessary oversensitivity to pain. Thankfully, we can practice breathing methods and calm our mind, body, and nervous system.

Let’s forgive ourselves for being duped by these tactics. Scare tactics are tried and true ways to get people off guard, making them susceptible to anything. Though it may make one feel daft to be bamboozled by such cons, it’s merely human nature. Once you understand why scare tactics are effective at achieving fear based reactions, you can learn to stay in control.

Turn Fear into Forgiveness. Forgiveness allows us to learn from our mistakes, or in some cases to forgive ourselves for situations outside of our control. We can accept and love ourselves, and move forward with a greater knowledge of why our mind and body react erratically under pressure. Focus on solving the problem by calming your nervous system through breathing and identifying patterns that cause this fear response. 

If you notice people around you are tearing people down rather than building them up, it’s time to do some soul searching and set clear boundaries to create a better environment for yourself.

Hacks for rewiring your brain:

Breathing

Meditation

Yoga

Breathe when you get angry or upset to calm your mind and body and to make better rational decisions.

Build Your Strength 

Practice the Vagus Toning Technique. Do this 10 times each day. You can do it when you wake up, make breakfast, get into a car, before bed. The key is to find a cue to prompt you to practice, which could be grabbing your keys to leave the house!

Responsibility for Me

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Responsibility may sound daunting.  That’s because it takes courage and compassion.  While we wage our daily battle, we know fortitude perhaps more than anyone.  It lends a sense of agency, accomplishment, and independence to take responsibility for ourselves within our ability.

Dictionary.com defines responsibility as “the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one’s power, control, or management.”  To do that it’s vital that we  understand what is within our realm of responsibility and ability.  We need to be compassionate for ourselves, and realistic with managing expectations.

Taking personal responsibility for yourself often involves stepping back and allowing other people to take responsibility for themselves.  It’s so important to allow your loved ones and people you spend time with to make their own choices and to care for themselves,  even if you don’t personally agree with their decisions.  People need to make mistakes, own up to the consequences, and clean up the mess – it’s all about learning.  It can be incredibly difficult not to offer your services to friends and family in the form of advice, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, favors, cleaning their dishes, and everything else under the sun.  Sometimes we take on more than we can chew, including tasks others need to accomplish for themselves.  If we do someone's homework,  how will they manage to learn and accomplish the next day’s assignments? 

If you begin to feel worn out emotionally, physically, or mentally it’s incredibly important to take care of yourself and take a moment for yourself.  It is not selfish to choose self-care first –  it’s empowering.  Saying no can mean saying yes to yourself, to relaxing, to enjoying how you spend time versus overdoing it.  We build trust by communicating, taking responsibility, and being genuine.

Step forward and do what you can.  When you become overwhelmed or annoyed it’s time to step back.   You don’t want to give so much of your energy that you feel taken advantage of or feel resentful.  The point is to contribute freely and responsibly.

Build Your Strength: In your journal list responsibilities for you and prioritize. Cross out other people’s responsibilities and issues outside of your control -- You can even make a list of tasks not to take on and burn it to let go.

Step Forward, Step Back.

Trust

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

— Stephen Chbosky

We need trust, to trust and be trusted. But what is trust? And furthermore why can trust be so terrifying and exhilarating?

Trust is putting yourself out there: being yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities, and sharing your story. People need your story: not everyone, but the people that matter. They need your truth, your fight, your struggle, and your perspective just as you need theirs.

We’re more alike than different so how, and with whom do we open up and relate?

I’m by no means suggesting you trust everyone. Despite coming off as calculating, the adage you have to earn trust rings true. When you trust someone it is a gift of your time, energy and mind – not something you lightly pour your heart into. This goes for friends, lovers, doctors, therapists, co-workers, classmates, pets, family, and every important relationship in your life. So who do you trust?

Mutual self-love on both sides is vital for trust.

Engage with one another. Communicate, set boundaries together.

Respect is important for yourself as well as other people.

Be genuine by being yourself and trusting in yourself first.

Reciprocate. Give and take should go both ways.

Empathy. Be kind to yourself and others.

Respect: Find out what it means to you! Be with people who treat you with respect and respect themselves. You can’t give more than you have so self worth is important. Taking time for yourself and being kind is vital; if your energy is always directed outward you’ll keep running to catch up with it.

Reciprocate. Give and receive. Any relationship is a push and pull. Asking for help is just as crucial as giving it.

Grow from Mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, yet owning up, communicating, and making amends speaks volumes to someone’s character and integrity. We can chose to sincerely apologize, explain ourselves, suggest a way to make it up now, and troubleshoot and commit to improving for the future. Letting people know you expect to be treated with similar kindness is essential. Wallowing in the past makes everyone feel down; it’s better to talk, work together, and see what can be done to make the situation better.

Create Boundaries. This is also where communicating boundaries and explaining how Fibromyalgia affects you and how you spend your time is massive. You don’t need to say ‘yes’ to everyone and everything. Self-care means taking it easy and listening to your body. Share with those you feel comfortable and care about spending time with while most importantly respecting your own time and energy.

When you don’t feel up to joining in on plans it’s important to voice that. Try to be realistic about expectations for yourself and others. Keeping plans is a huge challenge for many of us; letting trusted friends, co-workers, and others know why, responsibly takes pressure off yourself. Saying “I would love to, but I don’t know if I will be able to make it.” Or with closer friends explaining “I would love to make it. I have fluctuating chronic pain and fatigue, so sometimes my schedule is unpredictable and I need to take time out to relax and take care of myself.” Thanking people for the invite without making promises shows you care about them and yourself. If you need to cancel plans, first off be kind and gentle with yourself. If you feel up to it, suggest something else, like them coming to you – most people love relaxing in good company. If that doesn’t suit, offer a brief explanation, be genuine and kind.

As campy as it sounds trust isn’t falling into a strangers arms at camp, it’s about being able to push and pull, communicate, and work to keep from falling down. Think of ballroom dancers. Ever wonder how they know how to glide in unison? The secret is they maintain a certain tension by pushing against each other. This is a way dancers respect each other’s space and communicate in subtle direct gestures with their partners. The lead gives lead ins and hints before suggesting a direction or spin with a smooth gesture, never jerking the follower.

Be proud of yourself for asking for help, saying ‘no’, setting, and keeping boundaries. It’s all about trust.

How To of Mindfulness

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We run around endlessly in our heads, agonizing over the past; our “to do” list spanning into old age; even speculations beyond our lifetime- yet, how often do we observe right now? What if you could move beyond the continuous chatter stream and give yourself time and space to just be?

Much of our lives center around attempting to escape pain – Mindfulness Meditation does the opposite, brazenly addressing how you feel in the present. Clinical trials attributed Mindfulness Meditation to significantly reducing chronic pain.

Ways to access mindfulness:

Listen to waves crash on the beach.

Watch flames dance in a campfire.

Stretch or practice yoga.

Repeat or chant a mantra.

Observe mesmerizing smoke trailing off the flame of a candle.

Sketch spiral doodles.

Venture through a labyrinth.

There are infinite possibilities to be present; in doing so we can center our thoughts to achieve a greater mental clarity and relaxation. As an exercise, let’s focus on breathing because it is always there for us.

Set aside a time to meditate; any time you can manage will be perfect.

Find a quiet place outdoors, in your home, or join a local meditation group.

Get cozy. Sit or lay in a comfortable position.

• Take 3 deep inhales, hold your breath for two counts then allow it to drain slowly out your mouth. Focus on the sounds and sensations of your breath. Thoughts will come up, try not to judge them. Allow them to float by. Return to the wave-like quality of your breath.

Rather than avoid feelings or attempt to escape pain, acknowledge and be aware of how you feel. You are experiencing only a feeling; it will change. 

Recognize invading thoughts for what they are. Get curious with your internal dialogue instead of accepting negative self talk or labeling and compartmentalizing. If you begin to fixate on something, acknowledge it, then move back to your breath.

Be present for yourself. Everything will still be here when you come back from your meditation: work, plans, anticipations. Inversely, you can always return to your breath.

Seven Strategies for Wellbeing: A Guide for Addressing the COVID-19 Outbreak

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

We all respond differently to crises. Our emotions, our responses, and reactions are all subject to change unpredictably, as these situations tend to compound by bringing up past traumas. Most of us are experiencing sudden changes in our feelings on loneliness, security, connection to community, obligations, isolation, and privacy. These uncomfortable feelings are completely normal. Coping with chaotic changes to our daily lives along with the added complexity of living with an autoimmune disorder, presents us with new challenges. Know you’re not alone. We’re all connected and in this together.

1. Understand & Accept Challenging Emotions.

Understand there are countless normal emotional responses to a crisis. Try to be compassionate and accepting of yourself and others.

• Fear: Are my loved ones safe and following CDC & WHO precautions? Will we get through this alright? 

• Anger: Why weren’t we prepared? How can that person possibly justify handling this that way? People just don’t understand what people with autoimmune disorders are going through!

• Confusion and Frustration: What am I supposed to do now? Where are we going to live? I have no idea how I’m supposed to take all of this!

• Guilt and Self-Blame: I need to take extra safety precautions, and I feel guilty that this is affecting my responsibilities. I’m not as in control of my emotions and reactions as I’d like to be right now. I should have had a better plan.

• Shame and Humiliation: I compare myself to peers online who are thriving, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I am struggling. I feel humiliated because I’m not sure how I will maintain financially under these circumstances. I’m embarrassed to say that I’m weary of going back to my normal life. 

• Sorrow and Grief: I didn’t get to spend time with everyone before the outbreak. I miss my routine, my neighborhood, and my community. It’s not the same here, and I miss my usual comforts and conveniences.
  

It’s easy to be swept up in worry, panic, negativity, and predict the worst.  In reality we have no way of predicting what challenges and opportunities await. It’s essential to focus on how to make the best of the situation and treat ourselves and those around us with love, respect, patience, and understanding.

2. Maintain Boundaries. It is important for our health to maintain boundaries. People may expect you to be present and quick to jump into action since they themselves are experiencing difficult changes. In order to have the energy to accommodate others, we must first take care of ourselves.

• Be clear and direct. Saying no and letting others know if you are unable to attend or assist shows both self and mutual respect. 

• Auto Responses are great because they allow you to conserve your energy and connect others to resources, while setting boundaries. Who doesn’t love passive work?  “I am typically available between the hours of X and Y, London time. Please allow at least 48 hours for me to get back to you. For an emergency outside of those hours, please contact CONTACT NAME and INFORMATION. Thank you for your understanding as I find ways to balance my obligations during this unique time.”

• Schedule blocks of time for self-care like going for a stroll, catching up with friends, light exercise, reading a book for pleasure, taking a relaxing bath, or meditation, so you can check in with yourself with no interruption as well as block off time for your other responsibilities.

• Ask for help or work on errands together. Feel free to let those relying on you know ways they can help you help them as well.

3. Establish a Routine.

Routines provide structure and a sense of safety, which is important for our physical, emotional, and mental health. These kinds of crises can make us feel unmotivated or powerless, but a routine helps us keep focused and feel like we are in control. Invite the household to contribute to the creation of a daily schedule with fun time, family time, and self-care!

• Handwashing Mantras like: “I show love and respect to myself and others through small, intentional acts.” “I release and cleanse myself of what I do not need or can not control. I am free from the burden of unnecessary fears and anxieties.” Since we are spending time more frequently washing our hands for at least 20 seconds, we may as well reaffirm a commitment to ourselves, our spirit, and our well-being.

• We can create mindful activities around simple tasks to bring our habits into awareness as we try to avoid touching our faces.

4. Light Exercise.

• Maintaining light exercise is important to keep our body fit and moving; especially when we’re battling Fibromyalgia.

• Youtube is one of many great resources; search “Dance for Fibromyalgia.” It’s easy to find Tai Chi, yoga, stretching, and all types of exercises curated to fit your needs. You can even make a playlist of your favorites to keep track of your progress and connect others with fun dance moves.

• Buddy systems can be particularly motivating whether you have a dance party with your household or exercising together from different locations. Try to keep each other accountable to meeting exercise goals. Seek mutual support to cheer each other onto positive routines.

• Consistency is key, don’t overdo it. This will look different depending on you and your body. It may be 15 minutes twice a day or it may be maintaining your normal walking routine even though you are staying home.

• Reach for resistance in your workout, but stop before you feel new pain. 

5. Be Intentional about your News and Social Media Use.

• Set an intention for what you want to accomplish from your experience and how much time you will dedicate. Set a timer and reflect on your intention and experience. I am going to spend 15 minutes on Tumblr looking at adorable animal gifs. My intention is to cheer myself up and unwind.

• Pay attention to your feelings as you scroll through social media, your phone, news, or TV. How are you feeling? If you find yourself regularly getting angry, upset, or losing energy, it’s time to set a time limit or boundary to distance yourself from what is not serving you.

• Avoid comparing yourself to others. We have no way of knowing the full story of what someone else is truly experiencing and the well-manicured lens of social media can lend a distorted view, both positive and negative.

• Taking a few hours offline to unplug for morning routines and night routines can be a helpful way to reduce stress.

• There are apps to keep you on track with managing social media to track or block time for you to stay focused on your goals.

6. Practice Self-Awareness.

• Use Daily Journal Prompts to build your self-awareness like: 

  • How am I feeling today?

  • What do I appreciate/ am I grateful for today?

  • What did I learn today that will help me be a better person/friend/colleague/flatmate?

  • An emotion I experienced today was..., when ... , and I felt this way because…

  • One thing that inspired me today was…

  • What didn’t work out the way I wanted/expected? What can I learn from that experience?

  • One thing I learned about myself today is…

• Join a Peer Support Community for coping with Fibromyalgia, Covid 19, or other challenges you may be facing.

• Weekly check-in sessions: Identify someone you trust who has a constructive point of view and a healthy emotional intelligence. This may be a friend, family member, therapist, or community leader. Make a plan to meet (virtually) once a week to discuss what this crisis is teaching you about yourself, your dynamics with other people, and your community.

7. Connect.

People around the world are presented with new challenges of loneliness and isolation while social distancing and quarantining. Since our immune systems are more vulnerable, we need to be proactive and take extra precaution to take care by both following health guidelines and staying connected for our emotional well-being. 

• Seek online community groups. WeChat, Facebook, Discord, WhatsApp, and other sites have groups specifically for Fibromyalgia and those going through similar experiences. 

• Limit time with draining individuals. We have a limited amount of energy and we need to spend it wisely to avoid burnout and Fibro fog. If you regularly find yourself feeling mentally or emotionally exhausted from interacting with someone, it’s time to form healthy boundaries.

• Be mindful of venting. Whether you are on the venting or receiving end, there are healthy ways to express yourself. Keep in mind how you are feeling. We need to distance ourselves from this activity when it is not serving us. Are we venting to bond, decrease in our stress levels, learn/express perspectives, seek solutions, or just to vent? If venting is not helping, use your emotions to take action and instead contact your representatives, seek help, or strategies to better your life. Take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself:

  • Do I need to complain right now, or is there a better action or activity for this moment?

  • What do I hope to get out of this conversation? Solutions? Understanding? Sympathy? Bonding? (Share your intention with your friend, family, or therapist before you vent).

• Reconnecting with those we care about helps to lift our moods and decrease our stress. Schedule a regular video call with your friends, those in similar situations, or even meet new groups with shared interests. You can play cards, board games, role playing games, and practically any hobby you can imagine online. Dungeons and Dragons is a creative and immersive game that lends itself to all interests from fiction, scifi, fantasy, film, or anything you can imagine. You can join or create a campaign on Roll20’s website. 

• Create fun rituals together from fun activities or add community to humdrum daily rituals like cooking, eating, exercising, or choring together. Your routines can be with flatmates or friends online or over the phone.

3 Fears Expats Can Relate To

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

When you decide to up and leave everything behind — all that you have ever known — it can be pretty scary. Your diet, daily habits, workplace, and friends change all at once. It feels as if it is just you against the world. Even the most banal day-to-day experiences become more convoluted than they were back home. Sometimes, it’s so nerve-wracking to do something as simple as grocery shopping because we let our fears get the best of us. Here are three common fears expats share and how to cope with them as you begin your new life abroad.

Answering the phone.

While telephone use has gone down significantly, you will still receive the occasional phone call or might have to make a phone call to set up an appointment. This can terrify many expats that have not yet mastered the language of the country that they are living in at the moment. What if they ask you a question you do not understand and you are unable to answer? Mortifying, right? 

Dealing with insurance and other financial related issues.

Many expats find it difficult to adapt to a new bureaucratic style at first. There are many hoops to jump through, many documents to establish and go through, and many people to talk to in person and over the phone. It was nerve wracking back home and it is nerve-wracking in your new country.. It’s stressful not to know whether you are doing everything legally or not, after all, even a small misunderstanding could lead to big legal trouble. Many expats tend to fear being deported or getting in trouble, especially if there is the added obstacle of a language barrier.

What other people think.

Being judged for being an expat is still something that happens. Those that are native from their country might make fun of your accent, have a stereotype made up in their mind about your origins or a completely fabricated idea about what you represent to them. All of this can lead to a fear of integrating fully or making friends with the locals. 

Fear explained.

What if I told you that the time that you froze up instead of doing something, anything, was an automatic biological response outside of your conscious control? What if I told you it’s not your fault? 

Understanding more of the physiology of these responses will help us to calm our reactions as we’ll explain below:

People’s bodies automatically freeze without making a conscious decision, thinking, or having a proper chat with your brain and body to double-check that it’s a proper good idea. Fear overrides our nervous system, which encourages us to make rash actions rather than intelligent choices.

When we get scared, we breathe quickly, our senses heightened so the barely audible sound of a creaky floor can put us on edge. Pain becomes more intense and our hearing becomes sharp as a defense mechanism to escape predators, which is advantageous for survival in life-threatening situations. Sometimes our body gets mixed messages and overreacts when we aren’t in a dangerous situation, which causes problems and unnecessary oversensitivity to pain. Thankfully, we can practice breathing methods and calm our mind, body, and nervous system.

It’s time to forgive yourself for unfavorable, fear-based reactions, and move forward. Guilt and shame are not serving you. Replace them. Take control of your fears. Fight, flight or freeze reactions turn out to be more complicated than previously thought, for humans anyway. 

Turn Fear into Forgiveness.

Forgiveness allows us to learn from our mistakes, or in some cases, to forgive ourselves for situations outside of our control. We can accept and love ourselves and move forward with a greater knowledge of why our mind and body react erratically under pressure. Focus on solving the problem by calming your nervous system through breathing and identifying patterns that cause this fear response.

Breathe when you get angry or upset to calm your mind and body and to make better rational decisions. 

Finding it difficult to cope alone?

You don’t have to fight fear on your own, if it becomes unmanageable for you. It’s better to seek help sooner than later. Counselling can help ease the transition to your new life. Through counselling, coaching, and therapy, it is possible to circumvent or soften obstacles that prevent you from living your life to the fullest. I want to help you succeed and learn how to manage your day-to-day fears revolving in your life.

Managing Expectations as an Expat

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you hold them, the more likely they were to crack.”

— Brandon Sanderson

It seems like a lot of expats are getting tripped up with the issue of expectations whether it’s what they do to our brains or how best to survive having them float around in our brain.  Here’s something I wrote for you in the hopes that it will help you manage your expectations. 

What are “expectations”?

Expectations are what we think should happen. Expectations undermine who we are, who others are, and what is. It’s the ideal, not the reality. As soon as we begin fantasizing about our new lives, a new experience, anything that is new, we create a vision in our minds that may or may not come true. This opens the door to lots of disappointment and lots of hurt feelings. Fantasies of a “perfect” world that are controlled by what you perceive as fair and ideal will predictably leave us drained and dissatisfied. Expectations aren’t what will happen. Expectations aren’t based in reality nor are they accurate forecasts for the future. 

The harsh truth: you need to hear it

Nothing should happen. The real world is messy and there is a lot of luck involved. Everyone is faced with challenges and injustices. We will not be able to control what happens, but we will be able to change how we react and interact. We will be able to grow and learn better ways to cope and make beneficial changes in our life.

We have the power to love and accept ourselves for who we are. The world is more enjoyable when we accept it and the people in it for who they are as unique, complex, and chaotic networks. When we accept things as they are, we have more power to work with ourselves and make the world more fantastic.

Accept that perfection, control, and expectations are illusions. Let go of expectations. Let go of control. Accept and work with what’s happening. 

Expectations at work

Often times job descriptions fail to include all of the tasks that the employer expects or will expect over time. These un-agreed upon terms and unspoken expectations are often the source of job dissatisfaction, disinterest, tension, distrust, and leave employees feeling manipulated, used, and under appreciated. Better communication creates mutual respect, mutual trust, and leads to a more enthusiastic, functional work environment. People are often upset about making coffee runs & doing extraneous errands because it’s not their job or they had no idea it was supposed to be. Unspoken expectations can transform a task that would otherwise be enjoyable into a source of stress that detracts from their ability to focus on what they perceive as their actual job. 

Alternatively, when everyone is honest and upfront with their expectations we have the opportunity to say no to what we do not consent to or negotiate feasible alternatives. On the same note, it is unreasonable to expect everyone to be honest and upfront with their expectations. Most people aren’t aware of their expectations or what is expected of them. We can adjust expectations based on what happens and modify our behaviour. Often we aren’t upset about the terms of the job, we are just stuck in our initial understanding. If the actual description was stated and agreed upon, we’d be delighted to work and cheerfully run errands for our colleagues.

Expectations about living abroad

After a while, the novelty of your new environment will wear off and you will begin your (still new) ordinary life. Annual doctor appointments, dental check ups, oil changes in your car, cooking recipes, and so on. This is the phase where a lot of your expectations might come clashing with what reality is like. Perhaps, the culture wasn’t as “fun” as you thought for it to be, or the city is nothing as described to you from what you have read and informed yourself previously. Whatever it is, this is the challenging part. It’s time to build a meaningful life abroad, no matter what. 

Distractions in our path

The problem with expectations is that they distract us from the originally assigned task we set out to undertake.  So instead of feeling helpful and enjoying the excursion to treat people to coffee, we may feel rushed, unable to get everything done, and pressed for time.  Without realizing it, we may feel duped, manipulated, unappreciated and resentful towards our boss. We may feel guilty and not good enough with ourselves because we think we should be x, y, and z or we think our boss should be x, y, and z, etc.

When we voice our actual expectations upfront, we can avoid creating ongoing distrust and conflict in the future. When we see that our expectations are not being met or are unreasonable, we can adjust our expectations to something more realistic or drop them altogether. Perspective changes everything.

Need a push in the right direction?

You don’t have to learn how to manage your expectations on your own. There is always help available around the corner or in this case, a few clicks away. Are your expectations stopping you from enjoying your experience as an expat? Counseling can help ease the transition to your new life. Through counseling, coaching, and therapy, it is possible to circumvent or soften obstacles that prevent you from living your life to the fullest. I want to help you succeed and learn how to manage your day-to-day expectations revolving in your life.