Make Friends with Anxiety

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

This is a sort of ‘tongue in cheek’ article on anxiety in all of its shapes and sizes.  I hope you enjoy this review of the subject. So let's get to know anxiety. Let’s have a cup of tea with it and ask it a few questions.

Anxiety Profile

Pros: Outstanding in small doses, protective in immediate threatening situations, a procrastinator's best friend

Biggest Flaw: Destructive/damaging in long-term relationships, worry wort, tries really hard to be helpful and keep everyone safe but mostly just nags

Hobbies include: Hyperventilating, overthinking, pacing, insomnia, getting things done, and freaking out

Anxiety is brilliant at overreacting and misinterpreting situations. Most people's parents teach them not to trust the world. They move around with a distrust of the world and all of the things and people in it because they fear something hurting their baby and their duty is to protect. They are guarded because something might happen, not because something will happen or is even necessarily probable. It's true that there are endless possibilities. What we overlook is the question of whether or not this fear is actually helping us. If the answer is no, move on and focus on something you can do right now. If you feel helpless, that's okay too; sometimes all we can do is keep breathing.

Society has evolved faster than the human brain. Relative to the previous 200,000 years of human history we have had a dramatic environmental change in the past 500 years. We live in systems that value delayed returns over immediate returns. Previously the system was very direct and immediate: I am hungry, I forage or hunt food. 

I Feel:

Worry (anticipating fear)

I see a badger and worry the badger will eat me. I will quickly get away from the badger and avoid it’s territory.

Anxiety (anticipating an event and attempting to prevent it from causing me discomfort)

I feel the cold of winter approaching and anticipate that there will be less crops, forage, or badgers to eat. I will move to where it is warmer and follow the game and vegetation.

Stress (uncomfortable body sensation)

I feel hungry, stressed, and irritated. I will forage and maybe eat a badger. 

Anxiety is great for short-term problem solving. Procrastinators know this and rely on the ‘rush’ that comes from it to get things done. Break down your long-term problems into short term action items.

In the circus industry there is a rule: Hesitation is Death. Any small worry or distraction misses the beat of the moment, and you fall. You fall not because you didn't spend enough time diligently worrying, but because you thought you might fall. You fall because you weren't there. You fall because you fell into your head and ran around in circles. The best way to prevent danger is through action, not thought. Check the rigging, practice, and focus.

Anxiety creates loops. Loops are tangled delusional realities. Remember thought loops are just that. They are not real nor productive. Anxiety loops do not predict the future or protect you from it. If you feel anxious, do something that you can do right now. If you are anxious that your grandmother is coming over, and boy is the apartment a mess; do the dishes. Thinking about it isn’t doing anything about it, so don’t bother tormenting yourself.

HALT! : Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?

Ask yourself how you are feeling at this moment and tackle the problem at hand. If the problem is in anticipation of something in the future; that isn’t currently affecting you, create an action plan. If you feel anxious, but don’t know what to do for it now, make physical or mental lists of things to help you relax or build strength.

When you feel anxious and experience looping thoughts ask yourself: Does worrying keep me safe? Probably not. Can you drop it? Do you want to let it go? Do you want to hold onto something that is not bringing you the results or serving your best interests? What do you get from holding on to anxiety? When you're ready: breathe in, breathe out, let it go. Do not try to hold on if it is destroying you. You're better than that, and you deserve better.

What it boils down to is that anxiety and fear are about self-preservation. It is an illusion that anxiety and fear will protect you in the future.

The problem isn't anxiety; we're using anxiety wrong. Anxiety is only useful to protect you in the present moment - in the reality of the present situation. If you feel parched or are dehydrated, anxiety can motivate you to drink water, but it won't lead you to the well. It will lead you in circles of self-doubt wondering if there is or isn't a well. And what if there's something wrong with the well? What should I say if I run into Nigel on the way to the well? STOP. Drink a glass of water. Do not use anxiety as a roadmap; use it to get something done right now.

Anxiety parades as a future defense, but the truth is it doesn't know how or what the future holds. Anxiety can be a good motivation tool short-term, but anxiety is a terrible long-term lover.

Build Your Strength 

Create a list of action items you can do if you feel anxious. It may look like this:

Journal by writing about what and how you are feeling. 

Observe what is happening right now. Write it down and look to identify patterns.

Meditate by breathing in deep and slowly, releasing all the air, then doing it again.

Read a chapter of a book that interests you. Get lost in it.

Exercise in any way that feels good to you. Do a silly dance!

3 Fears Expats Can Relate To

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

When you decide to up and leave everything behind — all that you have ever known — it can be pretty scary. Your diet, daily habits, workplace, and friends change all at once. It feels as if it is just you against the world. Even the most banal day-to-day experiences become more convoluted than they were back home. Sometimes, it’s so nerve-wracking to do something as simple as grocery shopping because we let our fears get the best of us. Here are three common fears expats share and how to cope with them as you begin your new life abroad.

Answering the phone.

While telephone use has gone down significantly, you will still receive the occasional phone call or might have to make a phone call to set up an appointment. This can terrify many expats that have not yet mastered the language of the country that they are living in at the moment. What if they ask you a question you do not understand and you are unable to answer? Mortifying, right? 

Dealing with insurance and other financial related issues.

Many expats find it difficult to adapt to a new bureaucratic style at first. There are many hoops to jump through, many documents to establish and go through, and many people to talk to in person and over the phone. It was nerve wracking back home and it is nerve-wracking in your new country.. It’s stressful not to know whether you are doing everything legally or not, after all, even a small misunderstanding could lead to big legal trouble. Many expats tend to fear being deported or getting in trouble, especially if there is the added obstacle of a language barrier.

What other people think.

Being judged for being an expat is still something that happens. Those that are native from their country might make fun of your accent, have a stereotype made up in their mind about your origins or a completely fabricated idea about what you represent to them. All of this can lead to a fear of integrating fully or making friends with the locals. 

Fear explained.

What if I told you that the time that you froze up instead of doing something, anything, was an automatic biological response outside of your conscious control? What if I told you it’s not your fault? 

Understanding more of the physiology of these responses will help us to calm our reactions as we’ll explain below:

People’s bodies automatically freeze without making a conscious decision, thinking, or having a proper chat with your brain and body to double-check that it’s a proper good idea. Fear overrides our nervous system, which encourages us to make rash actions rather than intelligent choices.

When we get scared, we breathe quickly, our senses heightened so the barely audible sound of a creaky floor can put us on edge. Pain becomes more intense and our hearing becomes sharp as a defense mechanism to escape predators, which is advantageous for survival in life-threatening situations. Sometimes our body gets mixed messages and overreacts when we aren’t in a dangerous situation, which causes problems and unnecessary oversensitivity to pain. Thankfully, we can practice breathing methods and calm our mind, body, and nervous system.

It’s time to forgive yourself for unfavorable, fear-based reactions, and move forward. Guilt and shame are not serving you. Replace them. Take control of your fears. Fight, flight or freeze reactions turn out to be more complicated than previously thought, for humans anyway. 

Turn Fear into Forgiveness.

Forgiveness allows us to learn from our mistakes, or in some cases, to forgive ourselves for situations outside of our control. We can accept and love ourselves and move forward with a greater knowledge of why our mind and body react erratically under pressure. Focus on solving the problem by calming your nervous system through breathing and identifying patterns that cause this fear response.

Breathe when you get angry or upset to calm your mind and body and to make better rational decisions. 

Finding it difficult to cope alone?

You don’t have to fight fear on your own, if it becomes unmanageable for you. It’s better to seek help sooner than later. Counselling can help ease the transition to your new life. Through counselling, coaching, and therapy, it is possible to circumvent or soften obstacles that prevent you from living your life to the fullest. I want to help you succeed and learn how to manage your day-to-day fears revolving in your life.

Accepting New Changes as an Expat

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Moving to a new country can be both exciting and difficult. Unfortunately, not everything about the process is sugar, spice, and everything nice. Sometimes, you’ll have to deal with situations where your only option is to accept the road before you.

When we fight the drama, the change, how others are reacting to us or our situations, we need to be very mindful.  Are we able to accept what is outside of our control? Here are some thoughts to help you consider the subject of acceptance.

Understanding what acceptance is

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It’s not an endorsement of what you find problematic. We can accept something without thinking it is “okay”. Acceptance is about being aware. It is about acknowledging reality. When we accept reality for what it is, we can work with instead of against it. 

Acceptance acknowledges what is: what is happening? What is really going on? What is the reality of this situation? How you feel about what’s going on in reality doesn’t change the fact that reality is how it is. Ignoring something won’t make it go away. Paying attention to what’s really happening around us, and accepting the situation for what it is, is the first step to making it better.

When we try to change something that we pretend is not happening or isn’t an issue, we leave ourselves feeling guilt, shame, helplessness, suffering, and frustration. Feeling bad doesn’t resolve the issue. These punishing feelings do nothing but stand in our way of addressing the source of our frustrations.

Embracing acceptance 

We need to be real with ourselves and accept what is going on both within and around us. We also need to ask ourselves “What Else is Happening?” Observe everything that’s happening instead of only fixating on a single event. Understand why this is happening.

• Identify the Problem - What’s Wrong?

• Identify the Solution - What do you want to happen?

If the solution involves wanting a change of scenery, waiting for a person, a situation, or even the weather to change, don’t hold your breath.

It’s outside of your control.

It isn’t personal that the weather is indifferent to your demands or that people do, act, and are how they are, but there are other ways to respond.

What can you do?

Accept people for who they are, even if you think they could be better. You can’t make them change by sheer force of will, nagging, doing the work for them, telling them how infuriated you are with them, or through magic. They can change for themselves if they so choose, but you cannot create that change for them.

You must also acknowledge that they may never change. The situation may remain the same. Do you want to continue doing what you are doing in the same way if the situation will remain the same?

Observe where you fit into the situation. Does pushing or “wanting” things to change get your way? If it’s a waste of your energy, perhaps it’s best to stop, redirect, and spend your time doing something you enjoy for yourself.

Change Your Reaction 

Be more aware, helpful, compassionate, or accepting. You are going through a lifetime of changes, all at once, and it’s good to stay in control of your emotions. Acknowledge and accept them. Consistent problems are easy to work around when you accept them because you know what to expect and how to work around them. Let go of the need to control for things that are outside of your control, such as the traffic in a big city. Just allowing others the space to make their own decisions is liberating.

Choose How You Engage with the Situation.

You can decide if you want to stay and work around the way it is, or if you want to leave the situation altogether. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or if you want to leave the situation altogether

We get into trouble when we see everything from a place of wanting, whether it’s:

• Wanting to change someone

• Wanting the situation to be different

• Wanting to feel differently

• Wanting to numb painful feelings

• Wanting other people to change

• Wanting other people to feel how you feel

It all has the same result in that it keeps you waiting for something that will never happen.

We can choose to look at any situation from a place of:

1. Love

2. Gratitude Compassion

3. Acceptance

Do you need more resources to help you embrace acceptance in your life?

It’s okay to need more time, need more resources, and need guidance to find calm within yourself, even if that involves a therapist, like me. It’s always better to seek help sooner than later. Counseling can help ease the transition to a more positive mindset. 

Food for thought

The next time you’re feeling pain or an uncomfortable feeling try to sit with it. Question how you are feeling. Look at the situation objectively.

Finally, ask yourself: Can I change this?

If Yes -  Summon your courage to Change It, or Accept that it is your Choice to continue as you have been.

If No -  Accept it! 

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It just means that you understand that you cannot control your environment down to the nitty-gritty and that in itself is liberating.

The Art of Confrontation: A Step by Step Guide for Expats Experiencing Conflict

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

When we see an accident, there’s a natural inclination to gape and point fingers, overreact, or avoid the mess altogether. Be it vehicular, argumentative, or puppy related, accidents are inevitable, and we each have different, but usually somewhat consistent ways of responding to them.

Eventually, it’s easier to do something than to avoid doing something. You can walk around for only so long before the bridge simply must have a fix. You can put it off for a seemingly endless time, but in the end it’s getting you nowhere until you fix it.

Our reactive behaviour in relationship conflict is equally important. We need to mutually understand and accept what is going on so we can start to heal and work together. This can be difficult for expats who may not be fully acquainted with the customs and perhaps even the language of their new neighbours. There are a few things to keep in mind to help smooth over potential conflict.

Firstly, try to be honest and realistic- promising or ‘expecting the world’ will leave everyone disappointed. Shoot for a doable solution that can be practiced and built upon, rather than completed overnight.

Ask Yourself - What’s going on? How are you feeling about it?

Consider Not Knowing - Regardless of what you think, feel or believe about someone, there is no way of knowing what they are experiencing, how they are feeling, or what is going on from their perspective. There is plenty of room for miscommunication when you are experiencing a new culture or environment.

Focus - What objectively happened from your perspective? Focus on yourself, your reactions, and your feelings. Consider that the other person may feel exactly the same as you feel.

Questioning - Strengthen your convictions by exploring every possible opposition or differing perspective. Are there religious, cultural, or political differences at the heart of the conflict, or perhaps a language barrier?

Question your feelings - Question any fear you may have of confrontation. From where are they rooted? Is this fear a coping mechanism?

Agree to Disagree - Give yourself and others the permission to “be yourself.” Respect independent thought and choice. You can explore the perspective of others without losing yourself.

Be Proactive - Focus on ways everyone can make things better and work together.

Keep Attention on Me.

Focus on I Statements - “I feel…  sad and disrespected when you ignore me.”

Avoid Blame Statements like “You did… avoid me” or “You didn’t…  text me back.”  

We statements are good for proposing resolutions. “We can check in with ourselves, each other, and how we feel more to improve our communication.”

Be Realistic- Differentiate intentions from realistic expectations. Acknowledge that what you want or need may not be the other person’s responsibility or within their abilities and vice versa. It’s important to accept ourselves and each other for who we are before making judgements, demands, or resolutions.

We can genuinely want to do something without it being realistic. It’s important to be realistic, honest, and not overextend ourselves.

Remember - Confrontation can reveal to others what gets you more comfortable, secure, encouraged, engaged, attentive, inspired, or motivated.

Channel Courage - It’s easy to become complacent in a small pond. We have the power to swim the channel and sail the world. But, we can’t go that far if we shut ourselves off from it, we must still brave the seas, and embrace differences.

Make Time to Meet - Set aside a bracketed time that works for everyone. Consider age, abilities, and each other’s schedules (with respect to work and religious customs, for instance). Most importantly, make sure this time is dedicated completely to discussion of what happened and how everyone feels they can best confront what’s going on and resolve the issue.

Comfortable Environment - Try to find a safe, calming place where everyone feels welcome. It’s important to find a neutral place, not one party’s personal space. Try to seek a balance so no one feels as if their boundaries or territory are threatened, out of place, or imposing on someone’s space.

Trusted Mediators - Allow everyone to have space to speak, listen, and be heard. Having a non-biased mediator can be immensely helpful, like a therapist, counselllor, coach, or a trusted spiritual or religious guide. Mutual friends usually feel uncomfortable and should not be in the middle of an argument. Despite the best intentions, it is difficult to remain fair, neutral, or feel relaxed as a mediator friend. It’s easy to perceive biases that are not there or take input personally when friends are involved. Having a non-biased professional who is outside of the situation can help insure everyone is and feels heard and propose paths to a mutually beneficial solution.

Avoid involving unnecessary people or non-mutual friends at all costs. We want to create an open discussion, not a show, pity party, argument, or debate. This is no place for uninvolved siblings, co-workers, friends, family, or strangers. It’s a special space and time set aside for resolutions.

If there is a natural power imbalance, such as with a child and parent or worker and boss, it is important to consider and discuss if possible. A parent can ask their child where they would prefer to have a discussion and lend suggestions. A boss should consider the employee’s privacy and comfort before suggesting a few options and asking if they have suggestions and where they prefer. Asking if someone wants the door open or closed is important. Some people need privacy to open up. Others feel trapped if shut up in a strange or new place.

Discuss communication methods if it will not be in person. How do you both communicate best together? This is not a question on how you want to communicate or what is convenient to you or the other person. It’s about clear communication where both parties understand what the other is trying to express. We express so much through our bodies, mannerisms, eyes, voice, tone, and posture that can often be lost via text. It’s equally important not to read into signs that aren’t there. Both can be tricky for text message conversations.

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Build Your Strength - Experiment with the following fill in the blank sentences.

I wanted to talk to you because _________________ and I am hoping we can ________________________. -

I feel ___________.

When people ______________, I feel _______________, and at times respond by ____________________

I felt ___________________ when you _____________________, and I reacted by ____________________________.

I (do / do not) think / feel my reaction was ( appropriate / considerate / kind / loving / reasonable / fair ) I would prefer to react by ________________________________.

Do you feel that your reaction was (appropriate/considerate/kind/loving/reasonable/fair)? How would you prefer to react in ___________ situations?

Can we work on __________________ by __________________________________?

I will try to ______________________ and communicate more clearly with you when I begin to feel _____________________.

What do you think would be a good way for us to resolve this?

How can we hold each other accountable?

How do you feel?

Developing Self Love

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Moving to a new country can shake up your perception of yourself. It can be difficult to fit in with a new workplace, new friends, and a new culture. It can be even more difficult to remember that there are more important things, like your mental wellbeing. This weekend, let’s try something different by developing your own definition of self-love.

When we don’t have a strong and resilient love for ourselves, we tend to block our intuition-  aka our gut feelings. It then becomes easier to focus on pleasing other people and staying in the often experienced place of living out our lives to meet the expectations of others. This is your life, not your family’s, not mine, not the life of a co-worker, boss, or the person next door to you… you get the picture.

We often think that we’re doing our own thing and living out our own truth and hopefully, that’s what’s happening. But, we also oftentimes find ourselves inhibited from living or even finding that truth because we are so anxious from the demands of our busy lives. Self love frequently takes a backseat to work and schedules.  And what might be happening is that we’re actually attempting to quiet the voices in our head that insist that such and such get done by a certain time, and so on. This applies to how we work out and how often, eat, how we socialize or not. You name it… living without a slow, genuine love for ourselves leaves us ripe for the pickings! Ripe for lowered immune systems, a short temper, low moods – all sorts of vulnerabilities.

Imagine a well loved child. These sentient beings know the feeling of being cared for; being held and touched and nurtured. They know that there is consistent care being offered to them. They feel secure and have the inner strength to experiment and try new things. Taking a risk is easier because they know they have a loving foundation to fall back on, and, because they have built in confidence off of that nurturance. The same principle applies to adults.

Here are some of my thoughts around strengthening and practicing self-love and what it looks like:

The research, and perhaps even your own experience, will tell you that having or gaining love of yourself is not something that happens overnight. The potential for practicing self-love happens all day long and into the night! There are loads of opportunities as we are served small, medium and large size challenges every day… and of course, the design of having challenges constantly is there to help us learn life lessons (and more about my genuine and authentic self), and to help us become stronger and healthier in the Resilience Department of Ourselves. The other important piece on the topic of the opportunities to practice self-love is the ‘R’ word… i.e. taking responsibility for myself. Being able to detach from the current drama or challenge and continuing to walk forward in spite of the reality that might not be what we desire at all.

Finally, self-love is all about upskilling, learning the trade secrets of this thing called ‘living your life’. When you encounter a problem that you have decided is worthy of a solution,  learn how to solve the problem or issue. Note to self: Pick your battles. Not all battles need to be taken on. Monitor your energy. You know how to reach out as is evidenced by being a counselling client. You know how to research and hopefully, know what resources are solid, well-founded and grounded in real research (as in the double-blind, random trial kind of research aka bona fide!)

Self-love is about realizing that here on 3rd dimensional Planet Earth, not everyone will or needs to like you or even part of you. That’s simply a fact of life. If someone doesn’t like you, that’s on them, not you. However, what you choose to do with that information is an opportunity to practice self-love. You know who you are, and you practice realizing the positive aspects of yourself everyday. Remind yourself of 5 cherished and lovable things about you, and that are worth giving back to yourself. And do it! Treat yourself as you do your neighbor - with consideration, love and acceptance.

Through practicing self love you allow yourself to feel emotions as they come, but, more importantly  allow them to pass without judgement. Feelings last for seconds of time usually. All feelings generally break into the following: joy, fear, anger, sadness, love, pain and shame. So, practicing self-love is taking responsibility for feeling the feelings; having an awareness of thoughts; and taking positive action for yourself in that situation, whatever it is.

And, it might be that being quiet for 10 minutes is the self-love act that is needed. Or, it might be that sitting in nature, or exercising for 10 minutes is your way of practicing self-love. Or it might be that exploring the world around you helps you to feel grounded and more confident as an expat in a new country. What way will you practice self-love over the weekend? May it be a practice that you share with yourself alone! If you’re an expat, you may need to devote time to self care more than the average person. Moving to a new place takes courage and self discipline. Pat yourself on the back. You're one step closer.