Sowing Seeds of Purpose with Compassion

By Lacey Lindsey and Christine Harris

Many are familiar with the old Girl Guide or Scout slogan, Do a good turn daily, which encourages young scouts to do one task for others each day, without expecting anything in return. This slogan encourages compassion for others, but it also taps into a shift in mindset that occurs when we help others. 

It is quite simple. Doing good makes us feel good. We feel satisfied with ourselves for doing something for others. Even if the rest of the day has gone downhill, we will feel confident in knowing that at the very least we were responsible for something as simple as someone else’s smile. Fostering compassion on a daily basis allows us to connect with others. For instance, picking up litter on your morning walk transforms a simple moment of solitude into an opportunity to connect with your community and your sense of purpose. 

If you begin picking up litter from a path you walk daily, you may find yourself considering the bigger picture. Who benefits from your actions?  Your neighbors will appreciate having a cleaner, more picturesque path to walk on, but your tidying can be a matter of life or death for the local wildlife. Next, you might ask yourself, What else can be done to help those around me? Get connected. There will be others in your community who will want to join in on your efforts. New conversations and friendships might arise from a shared interest, which is of particular interest to expats who have just moved to a new area.  

Acts of compassion sow a seed of purpose. Perhaps the practice of collecting litter allows you to meditate on the idea of stewardship so much that you become inspired to join a grassroots conservation organization. Here you gain confidence as you find other ways to do good and meet other people along the way. These new relationships connect us with our larger communities, giving us greater insight into how we fit into the world around us and how we react to it. They also clue us into new opportunities. Engaging with this purpose provides us with more confidence. It’s easier to move through the world if we know which direction to go in. 

There are many things we can do to practice compassion. We can pick up litter, share food with someone, or even hold a door open for someone. We can play with kittens or give to someone in need. We can plant a tree or run a race in benefit of a good cause.

Here are a few more ideas to get inspired: 

• Help a family member or roommate bring in groceries. 

• Donate unneeded office supplies to a school or to someone else who would appreciate it.

• Write a letter to a friend. 

• Donate blood.

• Give a genuine compliment. 

There are so many opportunities to give back. It can be a calculated effort or unfold spontaneously as the day progresses. You don’t have to create a consistent daily practice, but the repetition of a daily habit turns do-gooding into a meditative practice. The result is increased confidence and compassion. Ideas for new good turns suddenly begin to percolate within. New connections will continue to be made. Get creative. 

But compassion isn’t just for other people. When we practice self-compassion we begin to view ourselves as deserving of that care, even if we do not initially believe so at the outset. In essence, we fake it until we make it. We treat ourselves with kindness until we believe that we wholeheartedly deserve that kindness. This allows us to take on stressful situations with ease, which adds upon our resilience. 

Here are some ways that you can practice self- compassion: 

• Connect with your younger inner child and send them compassion and loving kindness.

• Take a few pauses throughout your day and take a few deep breaths. 

• Consciously connect with a loved one every day.

Engaging with compassion regularly will also lead to greater confidence from within. As we help others we realize that we, too, are deserving of hope, and that we possess the capability to provide that service towards ourselves. Ask yourself What do I need right now? How will I get it? What else might I do? How will I feel safe? Considering these questions regularly opens up the internal conversation on self-compassion. We are our own best caretakers. Only we will know the right answers for ourselves.

Doing good is grounding. It brings perspective, connection, and a sense of purpose. There is a glow that follows doing something good simply because it is good. You have shown yourself love in knowing that you have brought a moment of kindness into someone else’s life. You deserve all the love.

Taking up Space

By Christine Harris and Kayleigh Roberts

In an age in which everyone seems to be fighting for air space, ad space, likes, and attention, we still want what we’ve always wanted. We want to be heard, seen, and understood for who we are. We want to find our space in the universe.

Via photographs throughout history, we can observe dramatic shifts of the physical landscape of the world since industrialism. Whether observed through local histories or pictures from space, the Earth is notably more occupied by industry and developments. Once ‘natural landscapes’ are now overgrown with urban sprawl. What was once simple, is now complex. We find the open spaces filled with advertisements and office spaces. Infrastructure guides our experiences, and we must adapt to changing landscapes.

Sound bites and alerts guide us throughout our day. Everything grabs one’s attention by design. Our brains and bodies are not yet evolved to fully process the overload of information that comes with our technological advancements. Fighting over territory is nothing new, yet there are unique components for competing in the Digital Age as compared to the rest of human history. Space as observed via our physical and digital landscapes define how we see ourselves and the world around us. The way we choose to use space is powerful.

Step back, step up, and move around. Sometimes it can feel like the space of our universe is merely the size of a computer screen or a cellphone. If that’s the case, it’s vital to remind ourselves that that’s merely us limiting  ourselves. It’s important to take time to step back, stretch out, and make space for ourselves. This battleground over space can be especially overwhelming for expats who may rely on the internet for work and social media in particular to stay connected with friends and family. If you work in an office, do chair exercises, take stretch breaks, and walk around to reclaim the mobility and space you deserve. Avoid leaning forward and crumpling up on yourself as this both strains your body and weakens your resolve. Sitting with your back straight, shoulders back and head up keeps your body aligned and positively impacts a healthy posture, your confidence, your openness to experiencing the world, and the way others perceive you.

Talk with, not at, not over each other. We want to connect, communicate, be heard, be seen, and feel valid in our existence. We all want to get our point across and communicate with each other. However, out of fear of not being heard, we tend to talk over each other without allowing space for what others are saying. Sometimes the opposite is true, and we timidly shy away from speaking our truth. Let’s strike a balance. Make an effort to both speak up for yourself as well as listen to hear what others are trying to show you. We are responsible for advocating for ourselves and for choosing who we engage with. Be intentional, and know your words are powerful.

Open up. Throughout the pandemic we’ve been dodging physical interactions to dodge the virus. We’ve been keeping to ourselves, minding our space, standing in more confined positions in the queue as compared to our former sweeping gestures. We need to take time to be more expressive with our bodies, dance, make theatrical gestures, talk with our hands, and move our bodies freely. We each express ourselves in different ways so it’s important to find what this looks like to you, and what makes you feel powerful and confident.

Strike a power pose. Spreading out and taking up space generates feelings of confidence. These can be power gestures to show the world you’re ready to take it on and to take in what it has to offer. Think of Superwoman or Superman. They are typically seen arms outstretched or with hands on their hips and legs at a wide stance. Spending time in these stances can be a great way to prepare for a meeting or build your confidence.
Open your body. Open your mind. Physically closing off your body mentally closes you off from experiencing the world and taking in new ideas. A classic example of body language is that crossing your arms may indicate disinterest in what the other person is saying.

Own your power. Women have been taught to close off their bodies, cross their legs, and make both their bodies and voices small. Closing off your body generates disempowered feelings, while alternately, taking up space creates a more confident energy. Regardless of gender, it’s important to step into your power, own your voice, own your body, and find a sense of belonging in the space around you.

Build Your Strength.

Practice stretching out and taking up space. Sit in the middle of your sofa and get comfortable. Stretch out your arms. Sit with your legs hip width or more apart. Take a deep breath in order to allow your chest and stomach to expand fully, and take a long full exhale. Sink into this space. Repeat a mantra that resonates with you and what you want to work on: “I embrace and find comfort in my space and in my body.” “I belong where I want to be.” “I belong here.” “My existence proves my belonging.” “I belong, and I accept my power.”

Anxious about being Anxious

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Perhaps you've heard others do this to themselves. They make a casual mistake like dropping change at the checkout and say to themselves "stupid stupid stupid." Then, perhaps predictably in their fluster, they forget their receipt and go on to various other minor mishaps as they chastise themselves or place blame over piddly issues. 

These insults do nothing to prevent one from dropping change, just as calling something stupid does nothing to make it smarter. Dropping change, in fact, has little to do with someone's intelligence. Dropping change is merely a common side-effect of not paying attention. They are flustered, but it's not even about dropping change. It's about... everything else, it's about running late, having a bad day, or not feeling well. Perhaps they are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Or maybe, it's about not feeling good enough. Perhaps they feel inadequate in some way, or have basic needs that haven't been met. Perhaps they didn't feel safe, loved, or appreciated enough as a child. 

That's the real tricky part, stopping and finding out what's really going on when you find yourself irrationally upset or angry over spilt milk. Imagine if instead, they dropped the change, thought nothing out of the ordinary of it, simply picked it up and it didn’t register as a reason to be bothered. 

Steps to Break the Cycle

1. Know you can. Positive change is possible.

2. Pay Attention. Where are you now, and where is your mind going?

3. Stay Present. Be in the moment. Experience right now.

4. Find and Replace. Find you negative belief and change it. Reframe this belief into something positive.

Listen to Self-Talk

How are you speaking to yourself? Is it how you would talk to a good friend? Often times our worst critic is our inner critic. Even more, we are often unaware of the background noise constantly milling around in the back of our minds. When you stop and listen, you have the power to address and change the noise into helping affirmations.

Challenge Habits and Habitual Thoughts

We create narratives about ourselves. Then, we fall into the trap of believing our stories. Our stories appear more true than reality; they're what we fall back on. Instead of being in the present moment where typically not so much is actually happening, we tend to run through scripts in our heads.

Repetition Repetition Repetition

When it’s challenging to find relief and a state of calm in a worried mindset, there’s a lot we can do to calm the anxiety cycle. It's important that what we are saying to ourselves over and over is helpful and builds us up to feel and be better. Hurling insults at yourself is not productive and doesn't encourage happiness, growth, or self-worth. 

Placebo and Nocebo Effect

Often various medical treatments for anxiety work on the “placebo effect,” which is not to say they are ineffective. Oh contraire, if a person recovers; the treatment reached its intended effect. The thoughts “I will get relief,” “I will feel better,” and “This is helping” calm your mind and body and allow these things to be true. Believing something works can massively affect outcomes. 

On the other hand, negative beliefs we hold have the power to make us feel worse or perpetuate a problem, cue in the “nocebo effect.” For example, people often say “I’m a terrible cook, so I just eat take-out,” when they aren’t necessarily bad cooks. Often times it’s people who’ve never even tried cooking because the thought that they are bad at it is intimidating. To challenge this they could take a cooking class or try a simple recipe and say “I’m learning to be a great cook.” That will reinforce culinary success and allow for the possibility of greatness.

We have a strange way of making our story true. This can be great in the sense that say you make art and want to be a great artist, you can tell yourself "I am a talented artist." It may sound silly, but it's very encouraging. It reinforces practicing, working on art, connecting, and sharing your art.

Build Your Strength 

Say all of these mantras out-loud:

I can do this. 

I am enough, and I will always be enough. 

I am supported and loved, and I love myself deeply. 

I am at ease with the world.

 If you find any of them difficult to say or hard to believe, focus on that mantra. Let it become natural and easy. If you feel anxious or notice you are using negative self-talk, remember to focus on your mantra.

When you find yourself anticipating the next possible moment of anxiety, remember the above recipe for changing your thoughts.  Remember to H.A.L.T.! (Ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired?) and apply the steps!

Navigating Zoom Fatigue and Chronic Fatigue

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by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“It’s easier being in each other’s presence, or in each other’s absence, than in the constant presence of each other’s absence.”

— Gianpiero Petriglieri

We are all rapidly changing the way we connect with each other.

The upheaval caused by the Covid 19 virus and pandemic forces us to reroute our daily routines, the physical mappings of our lives, and to think more about our physical and virtual interactions. Across several generations, we are all taking part in a dynamic process to discover how to form and maintain genuine connections, to stay close to our connections despite distance, to learn each other’s boundaries, and to participate in a changing world.

Each of us is presented with personal challenges and unique rewards. Most of us have been forced to think differently about the ways we connect, which enables us to form more intentional interactions and can be an opportunity to limit interactions that are less rewarding to us. 

Limited Energy with a Limitless Internet.

Without a regular schedule, time management is challenging. What are your priorities? Dedicated time for light exercise, nutritious foods, mindfulness with our body and feelings, and quality time with our loved ones helps us maintain the rest of our lives. It’s more important than ever to turn off notifications, and set a limited amount of time aside for checking email vs being up at all hours of the night and day checking for messages, news, and alerts.

Maintain Boundaries in An Unboundaried Zone.

It may be healthy at times to turn off the phone, only check emails once or twice a day, and remember you don’t need to respond to everything immediately. It can wait. We can slow our pace. 

Learn to say no.

You don’t have to go to every Zoom hangout, be on call on your phone, or across social networks. If someone suggests something you aren’t comfortable with or interested in, it’s mutually beneficial to suggest something of mutual interest. You can suggest phone calls over video chat or turn off your camera. You are allowed to take breaks to walk around, stretch, look out the window, and take time out for yourself. Doing so will give you more energy to focus your full attention to the task at hand when you come back. Limiting notifications makes it easier to avoid multitasking and getting trapped in constant distraction without devoting your time, energy, or attention to what you are doing. If you need time to yourself, take time to yourself.

Trust Your Body When It Tells You to Stop.

We all know that if we don’t say no, our body will say no for us. In order to avoid chronic fatigue, we learn to respect ourselves, our time, and our energy. Assertive, healthy boundaries help us maintain our health and healthy relationships.

Zoom Fatigue is Real

Exhaustion from screen time, hyper focusing on loads of stimuli, and trying to gauge everyone’s reactions in their individual squares is taking a toll. Not to mention what we often aren’t getting out of Zoom Meetings: we often miss our break room interactions. We are now more aware that we are all in different places, and we miss sharing spaces that are basically anywhere outside of our homes. Our house is now also our home office, gym, and so on. We may not only be missing that in person connection, but we miss spaces that are disconnected from our personal space.

Tips to Reduce Zoom Fatigue

• Limit number of Zoom meetings per day.

• Give yourself plenty of time between meetings.

• Encourage a different means of communication like a phone call or sending information by email. 

• Walking and talking on the phone may be better because you can keep your energy engaged and some people have more creative ideas while they are walking.

• Limit the time you spend in a video chat.

• Prepare a comfortable space and position to sit for video chatting. Have water and what you need on hand. 

• Set up a space that feels somewhat separate from your home with limited visual background distractions.

• Take time before the meeting for a short breathing practice and to connect to your body.

• Turn off your camera, and take breaks from looking at the screen.

• Only turn your screen or microphone on when you are talking to reduce background noise and visual overload.

• Minimize your video so you can focus on who’s talking with fewer visual distractions, self-critiques, and feel more natural and less like you are being watched. We don’t stare into a mirror during a normal face to face interaction. When people look at their video window they feel socially pressured and unconsciously feel the need to perform, which in itself is very tiring.  (Remember your unconscious automatically takes in everything that the eye is able to see.  That’s a lot to digest and process in your conscious mind and your unconscious mind!)

• Use Gallery View to reduce excessive visual information. We don’t need or have the ability to constantly gauge everyone’s reactions, and trying to input so much information is exhausting.

Build Your Strength

When you find yourself on video calls for business, pleasure, or therapy, create a mindful space. Find a place where you create a sense of privacy and separateness for the duration of a meeting...someplace where a closed door ensures privacy.  Give everyone in your household notice on when you’ll be ‘away’ in meetings and ask for their help limiting distractions during those times. 

Some people find sitting upright, cross legged on the floor with a cushion seat in a meditation pose works for them. A chair or position that supports your back and body is important for a session. Set up a simple solid colored or basic background with lighting that is in front of your face and also focused on the side of your face.  This will help prevent dark shadows on your face.  Check how you look in your video test call, and then cover the small picture of yourself so you are not tempted to keep looking at yourself. Remember to dress for your meeting as if you were dressing for attending a face to face meeting.

Take 3 deep breaths and focus on your body before meetings to ground yourself in a physical space.  Relax and come back to those deep breaths throughout your meeting.  Notice where you are holding tension throughout your meeting and continue to breathe through the tension! 

Accepting New Changes as an Expat

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

Moving to a new country can be both exciting and difficult. Unfortunately, not everything about the process is sugar, spice, and everything nice. Sometimes, you’ll have to deal with situations where your only option is to accept the road before you.

When we fight the drama, the change, how others are reacting to us or our situations, we need to be very mindful.  Are we able to accept what is outside of our control? Here are some thoughts to help you consider the subject of acceptance.

Understanding what acceptance is

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It’s not an endorsement of what you find problematic. We can accept something without thinking it is “okay”. Acceptance is about being aware. It is about acknowledging reality. When we accept reality for what it is, we can work with instead of against it. 

Acceptance acknowledges what is: what is happening? What is really going on? What is the reality of this situation? How you feel about what’s going on in reality doesn’t change the fact that reality is how it is. Ignoring something won’t make it go away. Paying attention to what’s really happening around us, and accepting the situation for what it is, is the first step to making it better.

When we try to change something that we pretend is not happening or isn’t an issue, we leave ourselves feeling guilt, shame, helplessness, suffering, and frustration. Feeling bad doesn’t resolve the issue. These punishing feelings do nothing but stand in our way of addressing the source of our frustrations.

Embracing acceptance 

We need to be real with ourselves and accept what is going on both within and around us. We also need to ask ourselves “What Else is Happening?” Observe everything that’s happening instead of only fixating on a single event. Understand why this is happening.

• Identify the Problem - What’s Wrong?

• Identify the Solution - What do you want to happen?

If the solution involves wanting a change of scenery, waiting for a person, a situation, or even the weather to change, don’t hold your breath.

It’s outside of your control.

It isn’t personal that the weather is indifferent to your demands or that people do, act, and are how they are, but there are other ways to respond.

What can you do?

Accept people for who they are, even if you think they could be better. You can’t make them change by sheer force of will, nagging, doing the work for them, telling them how infuriated you are with them, or through magic. They can change for themselves if they so choose, but you cannot create that change for them.

You must also acknowledge that they may never change. The situation may remain the same. Do you want to continue doing what you are doing in the same way if the situation will remain the same?

Observe where you fit into the situation. Does pushing or “wanting” things to change get your way? If it’s a waste of your energy, perhaps it’s best to stop, redirect, and spend your time doing something you enjoy for yourself.

Change Your Reaction 

Be more aware, helpful, compassionate, or accepting. You are going through a lifetime of changes, all at once, and it’s good to stay in control of your emotions. Acknowledge and accept them. Consistent problems are easy to work around when you accept them because you know what to expect and how to work around them. Let go of the need to control for things that are outside of your control, such as the traffic in a big city. Just allowing others the space to make their own decisions is liberating.

Choose How You Engage with the Situation.

You can decide if you want to stay and work around the way it is, or if you want to leave the situation altogether. Only you can decide if you want to stay, or if you want to leave the situation altogether

We get into trouble when we see everything from a place of wanting, whether it’s:

• Wanting to change someone

• Wanting the situation to be different

• Wanting to feel differently

• Wanting to numb painful feelings

• Wanting other people to change

• Wanting other people to feel how you feel

It all has the same result in that it keeps you waiting for something that will never happen.

We can choose to look at any situation from a place of:

1. Love

2. Gratitude Compassion

3. Acceptance

Do you need more resources to help you embrace acceptance in your life?

It’s okay to need more time, need more resources, and need guidance to find calm within yourself, even if that involves a therapist, like me. It’s always better to seek help sooner than later. Counseling can help ease the transition to a more positive mindset. 

Food for thought

The next time you’re feeling pain or an uncomfortable feeling try to sit with it. Question how you are feeling. Look at the situation objectively.

Finally, ask yourself: Can I change this?

If Yes -  Summon your courage to Change It, or Accept that it is your Choice to continue as you have been.

If No -  Accept it! 

Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It just means that you understand that you cannot control your environment down to the nitty-gritty and that in itself is liberating.